Posts tagged ‘Jersey Shore’
The Do’s And Don’ts Of Getting Laid At The Pool
DO show a little skin. There literally is no better time for a nip slip or a hint of butt-crack that says “Come throw your hot dog down my hallway. I have already coated the walls with PAM.”
DON’T flash your vagina or balls. There is nothing worse than thinking about actual genitals and their functions bobbing around in the same water you accidentally just inhaled.
DO have few drinks. Get a little loose. Make some eye contact, smile, and clap your titties together like a seal trying to find a mate.
DON’T use glassware to hold said drinks. If you drop it, your glass could conceivably cut someone’s cockle into ribbons or give that pregnant chick in the corner that barely fits into a Lane Bryant one-piece an 8 month impromptu caesarean section. Just for fun.
DO make up stupid excuses to talk to hotties, such as needing help applying sunscreen, asking if you have weird tan-lines, making an inquiry as to where they got that hot pink mesh banana hammock swimsuit (even though you know it’s from International Male Catalog), and offering to play hide the sausage, Jersey Shore style.
DON’T Read more…
Links, Drinks, And All Kinds Of Kink: Gay Edition
Excerpt from Gully’s First Bite– Basically a typical Saturday Night- Anti-Twink
Who doesn’t love Skinny Bitches? A Top Model Recap- AblogAboutThings
Hot Blind Item about a Jersey Shore Gay? Hint- Its Vinnie – Dlisted
7 Reasons to visit New Orleans now – UnicornBooty
Kelly Osbourne is still pissed about her Ex cheating with a tranny. And so am I. #whynotme – Queerty
Sneak Preview of the #1 Ginger I would love to fuck Cazwell – WehoConfidential
My Computer Simultaneously Funds, And Ruins My Life
I am coming off a weekend where I actually didn’t do much drinking. Thursday I had a few but still manage to have a conversation with a hot guy. He was married of course. Friday I went out guns blazing but then 15 minutes into the night managed to crack one of my molars somehow. I knew if I went out and got drunk Saturday I would do something stupid like try and chew on a rusty nail or bite the head off a live chicken so I opted to stay in and get some work done.
I got a lot done but I realized just how much I can accomplish and how much time I can waste at the same time. For instance I worked through last weeks episodes of Jersey Shore, Project Runway, and some Archer but I couldn’t tell you if my crotch depended on it what happened in any of those shows. My “breaks” involved browsing other blogs. Is there some kind of balance that I am not seeing here? If I keep staring at this screen will my eyes really turn into rectangles? (mom, you lying bitch.) Where did Mel Gibson really go wrong?
I guess the answers to all these questions will come with more time and less liquor. I am in Chicago next weekend though so get ready for some Hangover Diaries worth reading.
How To Ensure Your Daughter Doesn’t Grow Up To Be A Whore
New Jersey, I am looking at you. I know that it isn’t a new occurrence for a Jersey girl to be a bad-ass, shit-talking, cigarette-smoking, hoop earring-wearing two-toned extensioned eventual mob wife, but with the success of shows like Jersey Shore, Jerseylicious, and Hoarders (sp? whoreders?) it seems that lately these loud mouthed troglodytes have been shoved into our faces more than ever. Dina Lohan, I am also looking at you. And frankly, I am tired of getting a spray tan from watching my TV. So here are some guidelines on raising your daughter right:
Don’t buy your daughter a boob job for her 3rd birthday. Young girls should have to pay for their own boobs to learn the value of a hard day’s work. See how much she cares about her appearance after scrubbing out a Mcdonald’s fryer for eleven hours at 3 bucks an hour while their leery 21 year old manager with a child-molester goatee stares her down. She will learn there are far more important things in life–like college degrees and industrial lesbian strength sports bra’s. Read more…
Apple’s Real Choices for New CEO
With Steve Jobs leaving, Apple has appointed me to find a suitable replacement. Tim Cook is merely a decoy, and the real search for Apple’s new CEO has begun. And let me say this, I take this job as seriously as Lindsey Lohan takes her acting career. Without further adieu I introduce to you, the top five candidates……
Reasons Why I Want A CaterParaplegic Dog
This is a photo of a caterparaplegic dog–a word I just made up to signify that it is both paraplegic, and looks like a caterpillar. See what I did there?
The reasons I want one are as follows:
1. I could name it Baby Brokenlegs. Funny story–I actually used to have a guinea pig with two broken legs. This happens when four kids play the parachute game with a bed sheet and a pet. From that day on BBL (as we called him) just dragged his hind legs behind him making squeaking noises. What a trooper.
2. It would scare other dogs. My paraplegic dog would need to be a small breed to fit into my apartment, (lets just say if my apartment were a dick, it would be smaller than the “Situation’s” Shituation. I enjoy irony. So having a tiny robo-dog that can scare away a great dane would be the highlight of all my cocktail parties (of which there are none).
3. Watching it run downhill would be hilarious. In my wildest fantasies, I fasten a kite to its back and send it running down a hill. Somewhere towards the bottom it takes flight–and runs away from my abuse like Little Elijah Wood in The Radio Flyer. Read more…
Like A Douche
They say that patience is a virtue. Unfortunately, they tell ME that it’s not a virtue I possess. Needless to say, I’m not a fan of a lot of the stupidity going on over at the Jersey Shore, elsewhere outside Manhattan – - that means you Williamsburg (hipsters), and specifically by Floridians. So check out this video,
Nature’s Organic Collagen: Blow Jobs
They are called PBJ (post blow job) lips. Have you ever noticed after going down on your boyfriend or a random stranger in a TJ Maxx bathroom that your lips look especially plump? This is no accident. It is biology’s way of giving us the full, plump lips we have always dreamed of. Lips that are so big and pink they look like a pigs asshole. Lips so luscious and fluffy they look like two turds made of cotton candy. So the next time you want a little boost of beauty before you go out–find a man and blow his mind. It should only take a few minutes if you are any good, and the result is beautiful super model lips that should stay swollen for at least 8-10 minutes of glamour.
ManCandy: Slap Him or F* Him
I can’t decide if I want to slap that “I know you want to fuck me” look off today’s guy’s face or flip him around and thrust him against the wall with all the energy my crotch will allow. Either way, Read more…
ManCandy Daily: Little Red Ride-him-hood
In honor of that fish-eyed shank, Amanda Seyfried… or whatever her name is — you know the chick: she stole my husband in ‘Dear John’… Read more…
