Posts tagged ‘hot’
Three Reasons Accused Murderer Oscar Pistorius Is Super Sexy
Some people may take issue with me calling an accused murderer sexy. My response to that? All murderers are sexy. Obviously. Otherwise, how would they be able to convince their victims to agree to be murdered? And that, kids, is forensic science 101.
Oscar Pistorius used to be known as a noted South African sprint-runner before he went all Casey Anthony with a six-pack on his girlfriend. Call me crazy, but I still think he’s hot as Hell. And a little murder never hurt anyone. (Except of course the people who were murdered). Here are three reasons whey I would still bone Pistorius, regardless of how red his hands are:
1. He’s part robot. If I was Pistorius’s girlfriend, I would never let him take his bionic robot legs off, even if they chafed his stumps in the bedroom. Sex with robots is obviously the wave of the future, and I like to consider myself ahead of the curve. Besides, if his legs are made of metal, imagine what his dick is made of (unless you are one of his future inmates, since I am sure they will catch a glimpse when they are ass-raping him). Lets just say that erectile dysfunction is probably not a problem. Unlike airport security…
2. Height is not an issue. There is nothing sadder than a super hot guy with a great personality, that looks great on paper, but is only 5’7″. Guys that are 5’7″ are proof that God has a sense of humor, because you want so badly to like them and be with them forever, but are constantly reminded that they are short enough to breastfeed without slouching. It’s really not fair. Pistorius probably has like 6 sets of legs that are interchangeable depending on the size of his girlfriend’s heels. That is called being considerate. Tom Cruise, take note.
3.He has an accent. I literally do not care what kind of accent you have, from New Jersey to New Guinea, I think it is sexy. Why? Because I think retards are sexy too, and in my mind, people that can’t speak the same language as me occur as slightly retarded. Is this probably an ignorant American standpoint? Yes. Am I an ignorant American? I don’t know. Would a truly ignorant American admit to that?
In conclusion, I don’t care if Oscar Pistorius murdered his girlfriend in cold blood-he is still a total dreamboat. Or dream motorcycle. Or dream toaster oven. Yee Haw.
More sexy, shirtless pics of Pistorius after the Read more…
Nebraska Men’s Gymnastics Team Does The Harlem Shake
Or, as I like to think, the Nebraska Men’s Gymnastics team has a spontaneous orgy in the foam landing pit. (PS, the phrase foam landing pit also refers to the clenched rectum of a male gymnast after he dismounts. Dismounts refers to the male gymnast jumping off the coaches erect cockle after his wife walks into the locker room. Locker room refers to the coaches vagina, which hasn’t been touched in years. And vagina refers to the reason child support was invented.) How do I know so much about men’s gymnastics? I used to be a gymnast for a short time. Its the reason I still have five abs even though I can put away an entire pizza without even swallowing.
The Harlem shake is sweeping the nation, just like Gangnam style did. But unlike Gangnam style, the Harlem shake isn’t fucking annoying, and has nothing to do with Kim Jong Il wearing harem pants (too soon?). This video is worth watching because it involves a bunch of shirtless guys jumping around like monkeys and beating each other off. Its like Lord of the Flies, but without any fat kids getting murdered (unfortch). Also, there are muscles.
Plenty of muscles. Any more questions?
I inserted some screen shots into my foam landing pit after the video. Scroll down for a blurry treat (PS blurry treat refers to lunch-time fapping sesh in the bathroom of the JC Penney’s where you work).
Bayern Munich striker (Whatever the hell that is) Mario Gomez has stated publicly that he thinks Gay footballers should come out of the closet because it would improve their performance. He also says that being gay should no longer be a taboo topic. While Gomez himself hasn’t admitted whether or not he is personally gay, his statements are in direct opposition of the German Football Federation, whose public stance is that openly admitting homosexuality is detrimental to athletes careers.
He also states: “We’ve got a gay vice-chancellor [Guido Westerwelle]; the Berlin mayor [Klaus Wowereit] is gay. So professional footballers should own up to their preference.”
I don’t care if he is gay or straight, being brave enough to stand up for equality Read more…
Look, I know that Ryan Gosling is a thing right now, and everyone is talking about how they want him to smash their smussies, but have you ever stopped to wonder what the attraction is? You can only take so many swarthy, squinty eyed, lightly bearded hipster photos before you are finally revealed for the down syndrome butterface that you are. I believe that Ryan Gosling is a product of super intelligent marketing, starting with that horrible chick flick The Notebook that I couldn’t bear to sit through even though Rachel McAdams could S my D any day (figuratively of course). He’s a decent enough looking guy, but with enough hours in the gym, the right haircut, and the right public relations team he has become a sex symbol to girls and gays everywhere.
I bet in reality he smells like a fucking burnt tire factory filled with dirty diapers from Indian babies.
That being said, I’d still hit it.
God, I hate it when I have to shit in the street.
I don’t rightly know where 42-year-old Shemar Moore is from or what movies/shows he has been in. I can only assume that he is from one of the Tyler Perry movies. Before you jump up and scream racism, think about this: There is a 90% chance that if you are a black celebrity, you have been in one of the Tyler Perry movies. He’s like a black Martin Scorsese. And to answer your question, no- I don’t really know who Martin Scorsese is, either.
This isn’t about movies, racism, or old Italian men though its about superficial attraction and big sweaty men. So enjoy these pics of Shemar Moore on a beach, on a beach, and on a beach with his dick basically hanging out. I am sensing a theme here.
Maybe he’s actually a white guy with a really great tan?
This is my chest, after 18 months of breast feeding. Yes, I am aware Read more…
Mancandy: Zac Efron Gay Captions and Shirtless Photos
He’s actually smiling at his best girlfriend Javier. Bitch please.
Let me be 100% upfront and honest about something. I am not the biggest Zac Efron fan. To me he was a puffy, gay-faced butterball child actor who did the Bieber-cut way before that manorexic skinny lesbian Justin ever even conceived of finger-banging tweenage groupies. Every one of his movies is like a horrible Lifetime flick starring Candace Cameron-Bure getting ass-raped in a parking lot, then whining about it for 2 hours. They make me want to weep profusely and sing Mandy Moore ballads.
BUT:
I have to give credit where credit is due and tell you that nowadays, this bitch is stacked like a mix between a brick shithouse and Cameron Diaz. His glorious chesticles (bigger than Cameron Diaz’s for that matter) appear to be carved of stone, sunlight, lube, and premature ejaculation.
I, (and I don’t think I am alone here) want to floss my choppers with every single delicate hair on his man-scaped chest. Yes, there are gay rumors. Yes, they are probably true. Yes, this kills my man-boner. But there is no denying that this chunky little stool-stuffer has grown into a real hottie. So I have assembled a bunch of shirtless pics of him for you to fap to.
You are welcome. Please note that I am not suggesting you go see his movie, The Lucky One. I will admit that he has great tits, but to me that isn’t worth sitting through 3 hours of weepy lesbian bullshit. If I really want to see great tits I will just look down. Huzzah!
If you haven’t seen this photo you should check yourself for eye AIDS. He is checking his crotch for crabs after a back seat limo rendezvous with a Weho gogo dancer.
I would be remiss if I didnt make a joke about this being the exact way I sit on a pole too.
A creative new sex game called grab the pole, ram the hole. What you can’t see is Vanessa Hudgens running at his ass with a big black dildo. Read more…
Mancandy: Neil Patrick Harris Is Doogie Wowser
I want to start by formally apologizing for the pun in the title- it was not some of my best work, and pretty racist to all funny people everywhere. When I first became aware of Neil Patrick Harris, it was a bootleg Bieber with a show on some no-name channel like TNT and a forehead that resembled Pinky, from Pinky and the Brain. I wasn’t into smart guys then, especially smart guys with baby smooth vaginas. But then, as it happens sometimes the ugly duckling grew up into a beautiful swan who I watch every week as Barney Stinson on How I met your Mother, which should actually be called How I tricked the audience into watching 26 seasons of a show by simply withholding a character’s identity- but regardless nowadays I think its safe to say that he could definitely hit it doogie-style. (Was that any better? Am I finally living up to your standards of humor? God, you are a tough crowd.)
My point is that Read more…
They say the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, but in Chet Hank’s case it was actually a big sexy banana and it fell on a completely different continent, in a completely different solar system. Sexually speaking, I would rather burn off my vagina with the rotating tire of a semi truck than do fuckles with Tom Hanks. Chet Hanks, however, I would bang so hard it would revive Jennie (from Forrest Gump) from her AIDS coma.
This week, Chet Hanks, an aspiring rapper named Chet Haze tweeted some sexy photos “To the Ladies” out there. Well, Chet Spanks, the ladies have heard you. And by ladies I mean me.
Unfortunately, Tom Hanks has another son named Colin, who is not only an accomplished actor but totally fugz. That apple didn’t even detach itself from the tree. I have interspersed the photos together so your vagina doesn’t explode from hotness overload. Read more…
Cute Boy on Drugs Being Funny
Ok so yes this boy is really funny all hopped up on medication. But he is also hot as hell and I really wish I was there to take advantage of him in his weakened state – yeah I said it. I would rip off that hospital gown lickity split and stick my medical probing instrument right up his keister. Enjoy.
Mancandy: French Kiss Jean Dujardin
If you saw the Oscars last night, (I am talking to everyone who has ever had a dick in their mouth), you are now aware of Jean Dujardin. This French transplant cleaned up the award show with his movie The Artist. Frecks dragged me to this movie at a theater in Brooklyn (in apparently the only neighborhood that doesn’t make me fear for my life, or the future of fashion, or the future of Russia) and the movie was fucking awesome. Yes it was a silent film in black and white, but Jean Dejardin’s gleeful smiles and smoldering stares were more than enough to set my manties ablaze (and no that isn’t a spoiler from the movie. And by no, I mean yes. Obviously). I don’t have the customary shirtless pic of him as per Mancandy usual, but nipples don’t really matter when you are dealing with this kind of charisma and sexual magnetism. Read more…
