Posts tagged ‘heroin’
Mancandy: Evan Peters Will Scare Your Panties Off
I don’t know what turns me on more: that his skin is pale as freshly fallen snow/a freshly cut rail of blow, that his lips are as sculpted as a finely made flesh-light, or that his vacant children of the corn eyes stare into my soul so hard my tampon explodes into a fiery rain of toxic shock syndrome. Regardless, Evan Peters of American Horror Story fame is the kind of guy who could easily charm his way into your home, then rob, rape, and murder you without even having to say “please”.
Is he stereotypically “hot”? No. The bags under his eyes could hold an entire years worth of RuPaul’s Drag Race Nyx Cosmetics, and his greasy hair is more flammable than Joe Simpson. That’s what makes him so hot though- he represents a new kind of attractiveness. The kind of beauty you find behind a dumpster, shooting up heroin, about to kill itself.
I’d fuck it. Would you?
Somebody should have taught him to swallow…
That’s the face I make when I jerk off thinking of Read more…
A Glimpse At Lindsay Lohan’s Future
And by future, I mean about 3 days from now. She already has the smoke-damaged methed out dry hair with more split ends the critically-acclaimed ABC hit show Lost. She already whores herself out to Iranian princes for an 8-ball and the cover fee for a Las Vegas after party. And yes, her face is already melting into a sad little puddle of Read more…
Unequivocal Evidence That Superheroes Are On Drugs
1. Superman’s Xray Vision: He was actually just looking at himself whilst high, in the mirror. Naked. Crying. Kryptonite is actually the name of a strain of weed. And all those trips to the phone booth? Where else are you going to find a private metal shelf off which to roll a joint? You would be leaping tall buildings and taking bullets to the tits too.
2. Wonderwoman’s lasso: Just a shoelace from her official power-dyke doc martens. Her bracelets were a gift from her lady friend Marge, who also supplies her with all the cocaine she needs to be a strong, independent woman in a man’s world. With a deviated septum.
3. Batman’s issues: His inappropriate relationship with that twink bitch Robin stems from a shit ton of heroin abuse stemming from seeing his parents murdered when he was just a young boy trying to masturbate to bat-porn. His bat-cave is actually a rented out 1 bedroom in Pistol Shit, Michigan with tinfoil blocked windows and a sex dungeon. Alfred is the slumlord that owns the house and occasionally stops by for a bat-beej or two.
4. Aquaman’s addictions: He is a methed-out circuit queen on a constant GHB high. The ocean he swims in is actually a sea of men, and the scales on his legs are really scabies brought on by sharing needles and bottoming for every Read more…
Everyone Should Stop Picking On Lindsay Lohan And Other Old Ladies
With Lindsay Lohan’s Playboy spread being released early I think its a good time to remember how old she is. She may look like a 45 year old drugged up heroin addict that smokes 2 packs a day, but its really important to keep in mind that she is actually a 25 year old drugged up heroin addict that smokes 2 packs a day.
That’s just science. So lets all stop being so ageist, shall we?
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Mancandy: Michael Fassbend-me-over
Today’s mancandy comes from England, Australia, Thailand, or wherever the fuck Michael Fassbender is from. He first flew onto our radars in Xmen: First Class where he played a clean-cut villain with extreme #jewishissues. I remember thinking: he is pretty hot, but not super edgy. Then, I saw him in a few more roles and photos and my attitude has completely changed.
Michael Fassbender has the sort of “step-daddy is methed out of his mind and molesting me on the couch Reese Witherspoon as Vanessa Lutz in her breakout role in Freeway” sexiness that anybody, male or female can appreciate.
As it turns out, I was wrong; Read more…
Reasons Why I Want A CaterParaplegic Dog
This is a photo of a caterparaplegic dog–a word I just made up to signify that it is both paraplegic, and looks like a caterpillar. See what I did there?
The reasons I want one are as follows:
1. I could name it Baby Brokenlegs. Funny story–I actually used to have a guinea pig with two broken legs. This happens when four kids play the parachute game with a bed sheet and a pet. From that day on BBL (as we called him) just dragged his hind legs behind him making squeaking noises. What a trooper.
2. It would scare other dogs. My paraplegic dog would need to be a small breed to fit into my apartment, (lets just say if my apartment were a dick, it would be smaller than the “Situation’s” Shituation. I enjoy irony. So having a tiny robo-dog that can scare away a great dane would be the highlight of all my cocktail parties (of which there are none).
3. Watching it run downhill would be hilarious. In my wildest fantasies, I fasten a kite to its back and send it running down a hill. Somewhere towards the bottom it takes flight–and runs away from my abuse like Little Elijah Wood in The Radio Flyer. Read more…
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Christina Ricci in Zac Posen at the 2011 Met Costume Gala
1. She looks fucking anorexic. You only achieve this kind of beauty from extreme heroin usage or a long bout with an eating disorder. (keep trying, Demi Lovato. Its about the destination, not the journey.)
2. Her dress both simultaneously completely covers her body and completely shows it off. Nothing says sex like see through black gauze. Even If Charlotte, from Charlotte’s Web stayed up for 6 days of barnyard gangbangs then drank a redbull and did a bump she still wouldn’t look this good.
3. The cut of this dress just screams: Fuck you critics, fuck you food, fuck you breathing–I am Wednesday Addams–THE Wednesday Addams and if you ever forget it I will burn a hole in you with my glossy bloodless ladybug eyes.
This is how the Met Costume Gala is done, people. Write a fucking post on it Gwyneth. Compared to Ricci you look like you just stepped in a pile of dog Goop.
A Gloganvlog Reader Submission: Spiderman Is A Top
*Today’s reader submission comes from Finch-A sarcastic gentleman of latino heritage that lives in New York. He has an adventurous spirit–some would even say his eagerness to please is super human. All I know is that if I could shoot any substance from my hands I would want it to be heroin.
Here I am on Sunday nite 11:30 after a boring weekend of watching Being Human season 3 UK and Californication. (And hearing drunks on street-damn u corner bar, otherwise I would be sleeping) but I can’t because I haven’t had sex, petting, oral, or anything involving another male in 4 months. Yes 4 months!!!. Since it has been so long all I can do is think about the experiences I already had. My slutty days-my first summer in nyc and a super hero in a spandex costume.
Several ways a Vagina is like a Mouth
Babies go in one, and come out the other.
They can both get you into trouble in a bar.
Both excellent places to put a dick.
They both make promises they can’t keep.
They both look okay from the outside, but inside are a horrifying mess. Read more…
