Posts tagged ‘gulf of mexico’
Photoshop Fucktuppery: The Unicorns Deserved Extinction
I am going to just start randomly listing all the things that are wrong with this photo. Feel free to agree with me.
1. There is nothing really sexy about a unicorn. If unicorns existed they would just prance around all day farting glitter. They would be the worst kind of gay guy–the gay for the sake of being gay super flaming homo that insists on starving down to 100 lbs, subsisting on a diet of meth and parliament lights, driving a 93 Pontiac Grand Prix littered with old bags from McDonald’s, and being called Lil Mama while they are being pounded by a 37 year old jazz choreographer they met at a “video store”.
2. This guy looks like a catfish. If he was underwater and made this face he would be able to collect plankton without even trying. I am going scalloping today with my brother-in-law. If I see anything resembling this guy under that water I am going to set the Gulf of Mexico on fire. Read more…
What Not To Wear: School Marm Fupa-Creating Speedos
Summer is right down the street ( I would say right around the corner but Mother Nature has been fucking with us so much lately I don’t want to jinx it. I would seriously take a sandblaster to Mother Nature’s asshole right now. I wish Eminem would put her in the trunk of his cutlass and drive of the Chelsea Piers. ) And we all want to look our best for the judgy drunk queens on Fire Island. So here is a piece of advice regarding speedos: If you wear them you will either look gay or Brazillian. If you are okay with looking gay or brazillian, make sure you get the perfect fit. An ill fitting speedo is like eating dinner right before you predrink–there is no point to it. In regards to speedos–a little tighter is much better than partially loose. Just take it from the photo to the left, where I am apparently auditioning for a role in Aquatic Chupacabras of the Gulf of Mexico (while it is a low budget film we expect to garner some of the buzz and excitement surrounding Sharktopus 3D and the upcoming Pirahnaconda.) And try to avoid sag-ass at all times. There is nothing worse than seeing a guy who looks great from the front, but when he turns around it appears he has dropped a 6 lb deuce in his drawers. Bringing him down to 92 lbs. My goal weight.
