Posts tagged ‘grooming’
If he is sharp and eagle-eyed enough to shoot an AK-47 at 30 paces, he can probably find your clitoris with relative ease.
He will eventually get called to duty. If you get tired of cocking around, chances are you won’t have to wait long before he is reassigned away to some war torn country like South Dakota, giving you the perfect opportunity to change your name and phone number before he realizes you gave him the clap.
He comes with a camo outfit. This has two benefits: a) You can “borrow” the jacket, take a sewing machine to it, and make yourself with a super-cute cropped camo shrug or jumper. 2) If you find yourself balls deep in his armed forces and your homicidal husband/boyfriend comes home, a military man in camo can blend into your bedroom decor like a fugging chameleon.
If he shaves his head he probably Read more…
The Weather outside can only be described as absolutely amazing, or viciously cruel. Being a Florida Boy, I can’t believe that I am excited by the prospect of a 60 degree day tomorrow but it has gotten me thinking about the things we all have to do in order to get ready for Spring.
1. Stop eating everything you see, you fucking hoover. I know–during winter we can hide our fupas under cowl neck sweaters and Balenciaga mini-trenches but now it’s time to get back to the gym. (it’s been since November for me).
2. Get in touch with your religion. As you know, Easter is the day Jesus Christ bought those magic beans that allowed him to go into the tower and give Sleeping Beauty her glass slipper back. But apparently Sleeping Beauty was a bitch because she crucified him, and also defriended him on facebook. I am not sure which is worse. Spring is a season for new beginnings–so repent your winter sins and masturbate with a clean slate.