Posts tagged ‘grindr’
Do you find that people respond well to your headless grindr picture, but then head for the hills when they see your face? Do you have a well-toned body with tits like boulders and nipples that resemble the fiery kisses of a ginger prince, but your face looks like a burning jack-o-lantern full of dog shit? Are you Anna Paquin? If you answered yes to either of these questions, then maybe you should consider becoming a clown. Here are the reasons why:
1. You can make little kids happy. Now, instead of running away from you in the street screaming “El Diablo” you can make those little Mexican children chortle with glee. Maybe you can even make them pee themselves with laughter. Then, you can poison their candy as revenge for all the years of abuse.
2. Clowns are hot. I know a lot of people (and my people, I mean pussies) out there are scared of clowns, but the truth is there is something hot about someone wearing bright colors, running around like an idiot trying to put out imaginary fires. People that have to act like total idiots for their jobs are normally pretty good in bed. Just ask anyone that works at the DMV.
3. Circuses are full of other unfortunate looking people. I know you may have never thought about it, but maybe that 400 lb elephant woman could warm you up on cool winter night with the smell emanating from under her gargantuan boobs. Maybe the tiger wrangler doesn’t actually fuck his tigers, as is the rumor. Maybe that chick with 4 arms can stimulate your prostate, give you a bad ass handie, massage your shoulders, and make you a sandwich all at the same time!
There is a place in this world for everyone, no matter how ugly your face is. But hey- if clowning around isn’t your thing, you should at least watch this video the next time you find yourself blitzed to the tits.
Mancandy: The Hottest Guys Of The 2012 Olympics
JAKE DALTON, GYMNASTICS
He needs to jump off that horse and come ride my face.
2012 is apparently the year that The Olympics decided to bring sexy back (forgive me for that outdated reference, I am on bath salts). From the ever-popular gay App Grindr completely crashing the first night the athletes entered the Olympic village (as well as some other things, most likely) to Durex providing the London Olympics with 150,000 condoms, the ancient Olympic games have never been hotter. Will you just take a look at Jake Dalton? Just fucking look at him? He is so hot, my dick actually just inverted. Now I basically look like Serena Williams without the sweaty sports bras.
Anyway, I would be remiss if I didn’t comment on all the dick-able hotness traipsing around London right now. Enjoy!
So that’s what happens when you fist an albino…
Let’s get gymnasties!
CLEMENTE RUSSO, BOXING
And this is how you jerk off two Olympians simultaneously.
JAMES MAGNUSSEN, SWIMMING
Ugh. Beach farts are the worst. Read more…
What Summer Day-Drinking Means To Me
I don’t consider myself an alcoholic. This is based on the fact that during the winter, I only binge drink on weekends. The rest of my week is spent holed up in my apartment watching a shit-ton of TV shows, trying desperately to moisturize any dry patches in and around my cooter-adjacent areas, and sobbing miserably about the weather.
Summer, however is a completely different story.
I day-drink during the summer. I brunch for 9 hours. I drink while I shop, while I lay out, and especially when I vacation. Summer is the season of alcohol, and I have already gotten a great start.
This is what day-drinking means to me:
At some point, I will vomit at 3 PM. I will not make it to a bathroom. Some popular spots for vomiting in the past have been: in between cars on the street, on the wall above a toilet in a public park (after shot-gunning a beer and somersaulting down a hill), in the back seat of my friends car (in a plastic Publix bag, on the way to a bar), off the side of a boat at the beach, in the bathroom at work, and off the side of a roof (I feel sorry for whomever was below me for that one).
I will eventually be the color of Kanye West’s dingleberries, of which I am sure there are many. Laying in the sun is one of my favorite past-times. Laying in the sun drunk is even better. Normally, I have the where-with-all to put on sunscreen, but that only helps so much when you are damn-near-naked at the Christopher St. Pier for 7 hours drinking lemon vodka slushies.
I will probably bite someone in the face. In the past this has happened Read more…
When Grindr first came out, it seemed like a perfectly great way for gays to network, socialize, and yes- put it in each other’s butts without the use of unnecessary things like names or phone numbers. I admit I tried it. I admit I wasted A LOT of time on it. I’m not going to say I never hop on anymore when I’m bored but I don’t like to cut into my Pinterest time too much. Why not, you ask? Because I don’t think it works.
Grindr is an amazing idea, and a great concept. It makes a lot of things easier, such as getting a blowie from a stranger in a city where you don’t live. But for some reason, the ease of use makes it harder to actually make a connection. I have probably met 3 guys from Grindr and each time was a fucking disaster. I’ll admit that some times it was that the guys looked like methed-out three toothed extras from Straw Dogs–but the bigger problem is that meeting online cuts out one major component out of the process of meeting someone:
FUCKING CHEMISTRY. Chemistry is without a doubt the most important piece of the puzzle when it comes to dating, cocking, sucking, or ram-rodding (I made that last one up but watch and see–it’ll become a thing). When you meet on a social networking site, you normally Read more…
How To Tell If You Are A Male Model
If it is one word that is thrown around without caution and unnecessarily it is the word Model. It is listed in the library of The Shit That I Make Up as the most referred-to occupation on gay sites such as Grindr, Adam4Adam, Gay.com, and even Smashmyboysmussy.com. It seems that every gay guy who has ever had his photo taken calls himself a model, but that is kind of like anyone who has ever written a cohesive sentence calling his or herself a writer. If you can relate to any of the below examples, then you should stop calling yourself a model and fess up to the fact that you mop floors and fish crack needles out of the toilets at the Starbucks on the 1-2-5.
You are not really a model if:
1.You have had your photo published in one of the gay rags that you pick up for free on the way out of a daddy bar. In the back. In the “massage” or “seen out at the club looking tragic but still photoshopped” section.
2. Your photographer friend has taken photos of you. No money was exchanged, he used a kodak cardboard camera and the only place the photos were published is inside his bedroom beside a bottle of Jergens.
3. You have any photos of you posing in a smudgy bathroom mirror with your iPhone covering half your face, making that stupid kissy face that looks like a dolphins asshole. Read more…
Adele Needs To Stay Off Grindr
Much to my surprise, I turned on my Grindr this morning (for promotional purposes of course) and there was Adele, 829ft away from me. I, of course, assumed she was performing at Hammerstein Ballroom (my next door neighbor) but after checking her tour schedule I realized she wasn’t set to be there. I then noticed her “about me” section which I assume is the title of an upcoming song she’s set to write “Would you still look at me if I didn’t have a face in person?”, which I personally believe is a horrible song title and I would have to answer that question with a resounding no. Oh and girl, you are not 5’10, the camera adds weight, not height…remember that.
So I give this piece of advice to Adele if you want to find someone like you, I wouldn’t suggest Grindr as you’ll soon find yourself rolling in the deep with god knows who and when he won’t go so rumor has it you’ll probably have to set fire to the rain. So if you want a man that’s going to treat you right, I suggest you look elsewhere and stay off Grindr…girl.
PS. If you took this serious, you’re an idiot. 
Francesco Schettino is Gay (The Guy That Crashed the Cruise Ship)
So, if you ask me I def think Francesco Schettino is totally gay (you know, the guy that crashed the Italian cruise ship). Check out that sweet haircut and he was in the Navy after all. It makes more sense to me now why he abandoned ship, I have several theories below.
1. His Grindr hook-up was waiting on shore
2. He didn’t want to stain his white Captain’s suit
3. He just got that fierce perm – and we all know that shit can’t be gettin’ wet
4. He spotted a cute bellboy in one of the lifeboats – the rock wasn’t the only thing he wanted to hit
5. He misunderstood when the leather-daddy next told him to ‘get off’
What Gay Profiles Really Mean
We have all had a personal ad up at one point or another – whether it’s on Manhunt, Adam4Adam, or Grindr. And if you don’t have a profile, you will soon; so to make it easier I have provided a gay slang translation below. You will thank me one day
I’m a top/vers – I love bottoming so much that glitter shoots out of my ass
I’m a twink – I have passed my prime but still call myself a twink to re-live my glory days
I’m a twink lover – I’m a 50 year-old pedophile that has a collection of underage boys having sex that I keep on a hard drive under my bed
I’m a bear – I’m a bear
I’m always safe – I’m always safe until I find someone so hot that I will ride them bareback into the sunset
I’m just looking for friends – I’m looking for friends until my boyfriend goes to sleep then I’m looking for friends who will f*ck me
I’m a virgin – I’ve had more cocks in me than the Tyson Chicken Farm
I’m down for some NSA fun – My needy ass will latch on to you so fast you will need the jaws of life to pry me off
I’m drama free – At least I will be after you get the restraining order from the cops to prevent me from being around you, cause I love you. No, I really love you
How to Take a Bathroom Mirror Cellphone Shot
“My Dad doesn’t love me”
1. Don’t smile ever. In fact look as confused as possible. Perplexity=Sexity
“Do these stars make my ass look fat?”
2. Borrow you’re little brother’s underwear. Pedophilia is in.
“I’m a dirty boy”
3. Do NOT clean your mirror. The white spots all over your mirror probably indicate you don’t like to clean other places. Your asshole I mean.
“but I AM flexing”
4. Make sure your bulge sticks out more then your stomach. Read more…
Grindr, You Adorable Little Thing
So Grindr- In case you live under a rock, or in Middle America is a gay social application for smart phones used to search for friends/true love and then just give up and find a bang mate. Its basically taking a free dating service and making it as creepy as possible by showing how far away someone is from you down to the feet. 0 feet = a keeper.
My Grindr came from my obsessed friend Jo who said I absolutely needed it. After having it for a week I got bored enough to try it thinking maybe I would get lucky. If by luck you mean I get messages like, “Wanna get blown?” or “You’re really close by, want to fuck?” then I am the luckiest guy in NY. Normally I like to hook up the old fashion way: get something slipped in my drink at the bar and wake up naked.
But I thought when in NYC do as the NYC’ers.
