Posts tagged ‘grindr’
JAKE DALTON, GYMNASTICS
He needs to jump off that horse and come ride my face.
2012 is apparently the year that The Olympics decided to bring sexy back (forgive me for that outdated reference, I am on bath salts). From the ever-popular gay App Grindr completely crashing the first night the athletes entered the Olympic village (as well as some other things, most likely) to Durex providing the London Olympics with 150,000 condoms, the ancient Olympic games have never been hotter. Will you just take a look at Jake Dalton? Just fucking look at him? He is so hot, my dick actually just inverted. Now I basically look like Serena Williams without the sweaty sports bras.
Anyway, I would be remiss if I didn’t comment on all the dick-able hotness traipsing around London right now. Enjoy!
So that’s what happens when you fist an albino…
Let’s get gymnasties!
CLEMENTE RUSSO, BOXING
And this is how you jerk off two Olympians simultaneously.
JAMES MAGNUSSEN, SWIMMING
Ugh. Beach farts are the worst. Read more…
When Grindr first came out, it seemed like a perfectly great way for gays to network, socialize, and yes- put it in each other’s butts without the use of unnecessary things like names or phone numbers. I admit I tried it. I admit I wasted A LOT of time on it. I’m not going to say I never hop on anymore when I’m bored but I don’t like to cut into my Pinterest time too much. Why not, you ask? Because I don’t think it works.
Grindr is an amazing idea, and a great concept. It makes a lot of things easier, such as getting a blowie from a stranger in a city where you don’t live. But for some reason, the ease of use makes it harder to actually make a connection. I have probably met 3 guys from Grindr and each time was a fucking disaster. I’ll admit that some times it was that the guys looked like methed-out three toothed extras from Straw Dogs–but the bigger problem is that meeting online cuts out one major component out of the process of meeting someone:
FUCKING CHEMISTRY. Chemistry is without a doubt the most important piece of the puzzle when it comes to dating, cocking, sucking, or ram-rodding (I made that last one up but watch and see–it’ll become a thing). When you meet on a social networking site, you normally Read more…
If it is one word that is thrown around without caution and unnecessarily it is the word Model. It is listed in the library of The Shit That I Make Up as the most referred-to occupation on gay sites such as Grindr, Adam4Adam, Gay.com, and even Smashmyboysmussy.com. It seems that every gay guy who has ever had his photo taken calls himself a model, but that is kind of like anyone who has ever written a cohesive sentence calling his or herself a writer. If you can relate to any of the below examples, then you should stop calling yourself a model and fess up to the fact that you mop floors and fish crack needles out of the toilets at the Starbucks on the 1-2-5.
You are not really a model if:
1.You have had your photo published in one of the gay rags that you pick up for free on the way out of a daddy bar. In the back. In the “massage” or “seen out at the club looking tragic but still photoshopped” section.
2. Your photographer friend has taken photos of you. No money was exchanged, he used a kodak cardboard camera and the only place the photos were published is inside his bedroom beside a bottle of Jergens.
3. You have any photos of you posing in a smudgy bathroom mirror with your iPhone covering half your face, making that stupid kissy face that looks like a dolphins asshole. Read more…
Much to my surprise, I turned on my Grindr this morning (for promotional purposes of course) and there was Adele, 829ft away from me. I, of course, assumed she was performing at Hammerstein Ballroom (my next door neighbor) but after checking her tour schedule I realized she wasn’t set to be there. I then noticed her “about me” section which I assume is the title of an upcoming song she’s set to write “Would you still look at me if I didn’t have a face in person?”, which I personally believe is a horrible song title and I would have to answer that question with a resounding no. Oh and girl, you are not 5’10, the camera adds weight, not height…remember that.
So I give this piece of advice to Adele if you want to find someone like you, I wouldn’t suggest Grindr as you’ll soon find yourself rolling in the deep with god knows who and when he won’t go so rumor has it you’ll probably have to set fire to the rain. So if you want a man that’s going to treat you right, I suggest you look elsewhere and stay off Grindr…girl.
PS. If you took this serious, you’re an idiot.
So, if you ask me I def think Francesco Schettino is totally gay (you know, the guy that crashed the Italian cruise ship). Check out that sweet haircut and he was in the Navy after all. It makes more sense to me now why he abandoned ship, I have several theories below.
1. His Grindr hook-up was waiting on shore
2. He didn’t want to stain his white Captain’s suit
3. He just got that fierce perm – and we all know that shit can’t be gettin’ wet
4. He spotted a cute bellboy in one of the lifeboats – the rock wasn’t the only thing he wanted to hit
5. He misunderstood when the leather-daddy next told him to ‘get off’
We have all had a personal ad up at one point or another – whether it’s on Manhunt, Adam4Adam, or Grindr. And if you don’t have a profile, you will soon; so to make it easier I have provided a gay slang translation below. You will thank me one day
I’m a top/vers – I love bottoming so much that glitter shoots out of my ass
I’m a twink – I have passed my prime but still call myself a twink to re-live my glory days
I’m a twink lover – I’m a 50 year-old pedophile that has a collection of underage boys having sex that I keep on a hard drive under my bed
I’m a bear – I’m a bear
I’m always safe – I’m always safe until I find someone so hot that I will ride them bareback into the sunset
I’m just looking for friends – I’m looking for friends until my boyfriend goes to sleep then I’m looking for friends who will f*ck me
I’m a virgin – I’ve had more cocks in me than the Tyson Chicken Farm
I’m down for some NSA fun – My needy ass will latch on to you so fast you will need the jaws of life to pry me off
I’m drama free – At least I will be after you get the restraining order from the cops to prevent me from being around you, cause I love you. No, I really love you
“My Dad doesn’t love me”
1. Don’t smile ever. In fact look as confused as possible. Perplexity=Sexity
“Do these stars make my ass look fat?”
2. Borrow you’re little brother’s underwear. Pedophilia is in.
“I’m a dirty boy”
3. Do NOT clean your mirror. The white spots all over your mirror probably indicate you don’t like to clean other places. Your asshole I mean.
“but I AM flexing”
4. Make sure your bulge sticks out more then your stomach. Read more…