Posts tagged ‘god’
He was ostracized from his community because he was different. Then he got nailed, hard.
He had a rough week, then slept for three days straight. Basically me after Gay Days, The White Party, or Labor Day weekend at Fire Island.
He surrounded himself with 12 men. Just look at the Facebook profile of any gay guy for a modern, shirtless redux of the 12 apostles. Or disciples. Or whatever. I never actually read the bible, I just skimmed a few Amazon reviews.
He wore a dress. Granted, it was a little more coverage than I would prefer- you should make a choice between showcasing decolletage, legs, or arms and stick to it but people were a lot more conservative back in medieval times when he lived.
He had a bitchin beard. If Jesus walked around town in the Castro, bears everywhere would Read more…
1. Every single time someone asks you if you have a light, instead of getting offended that they think you look and sound like someone who has smoked two packs a day for 30 years and works behind the register at a gas station, you can light their cigarette or doobie with your middle finger.
3.At Nicki Minaj’s next concert, Little Kim can go in-cog-negro as a white woman (all she would have to do is throw on a Raquel Welch blond sassy bob and say her name is Florence after all that fucking skin bleaching. She can say she has cancer as an excuse to get on stage, and light Nicki’s hair on fire. If she turns the ring upside-down nobody will ever find it and the cops and religious officials will think that God finally just smited Nicki for saying Stupid Hoe 40,000 times in one song (which, in our opinion actually makes her a stupid hoe).
4. Kim Richards can use it to melt down her meth in one of Lisa Vanderpump’s 30 bathrooms so that she can mix it with her vodka tonic because frankly, that is the only way anyone will ever believe that the only problem she has is with alcohol. Have we ever considered that perhaps childhood stardom is a form of natural selection?
Monserat lighter ring available HERE
Gingers are like unicorns. You only see a really attractive one once in a while, but when you do, your immediate reaction is to shoot it with a tranquilizer gun, drag it back to your apartment, stuff it, mount it, do unscrupulous things to it’s butt-hole, and then hang it above your fireplace as a trophy and reminder of your tolerance for abnormalities in the human genome. If you are lucky enough to find a ginger that can hold a conversation (many of them cant because they have Parkinson’s disease. Its a fact that I just made up) you should probably try to date it. Approach this with caution however, as there are some things you should know.
1. A red-heads ejaculate tastes like cayenne pepper. If you ingest too much you may be subject to side effects that include, but aren’t limited to incontinence, 3rd degree burns of the rectal lining, upset stomach, and merciless teasing from your friends.
2. Red-heads have horrible tempers. It is written in the bible that on the 8th day god created gingers, and filled them with hellfires from the bowels of the 9th layer of Hades. If you anger a ginger, they have the unique ability to incinerate you with their mind. Remember Carrie? It was actually based on a true story. I know that a few days in, you are going to tire of your ginger’s insipid shellale playing and want to cheat. If you do, just be ready for your remains to be sucked up by a dirt devil and tossed away like the yesterday’s trash that you are.
3. Gingers have freckles because Read more…
“If you’re gay, its a sin. If you’re bi-sexual, you’re confused. If you’re skinny you’re on drugs. If you’re fat, you look nasty. If you’re dressed up, you’re conceited. If you dress for comfort, you’re a slob. If you speak your mind, you’re a bitch. If you don’t say anything, you’re a punk. If you are sweet to strangers, you are fake. If you cry, you’re a drama queen. If you have male friends, you’re a hoe. If you have female friends, you’re a player. You can’t do anything without being criticized. We live in a society where people can’t survive if they’re not judging the next person. Only God, and God alone can judge me.”
-George, New Jersey
It happens at family reunions and random meetings with strangers. It happens years into relationships, and even worse- on first dates. Inevitably, the subject of religion just manages to rear its fugly little head in your life and more often than not it turns into an all-out debate of epic proportions.
Because here is the thing: Religion is one of those things that can never be proved or disproved. The problem with this is that there are so many fucking morons out there that believe that their beliefs are correct and want to ram them down your throat like a big black c*ck in an asian bukkake porn that I have never downloaded from the internet or watched.
Spending several hundred hours in the laboratory poring over schematics, I came up with these 5 easy ways to get out of a religious conversation.
- I was actually raised in a cult where they burned off my vagina hair with a soddering iron, forced me to worship the devil and sodomized me with Alexander Skaarsgard’s Europenis. The last part wasn’t so bad actually. But religion is sort of a sore subject for me. Literally.
- My religion is exactly the same as yours. I believe and agree with everything that you do. Now lets get on our knees and make God our bitch.
- Being raised on the streets, the only religion I knew was Read more…
I normally try and refrain from reposting things word for word but thus was just too good, enjoy, In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, which was posted on the Internet……
Dear Dr. Laura: Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination …. End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God’s Laws and how to follow them. 1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians? 2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her? 3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of Menstrual uncleanliness – Lev15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense. 4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord – Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them? 5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it? 6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexual ity. I don’t agree. Can you settle this? Are there ‘degrees’ of abomination? 7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here? 8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die? 9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves? 10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14) I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I’m confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging. Your adoring fan, James M Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus, Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education University of Virginia (It would be a damn shame if we couldn’t own a Canadian)
It is unimaginably hot out there.
If god has a nutsack, he has placed planet Earth (specifically new york) hanging in the heated folds underneath that thing like an unchristian dingleberry from hell. The kind of dingleberry that just won’t quit no matter how many plys your charmin boasts. I just had to run an errand–and I should mention that errand in New York can literally be translated as “painstakingly torturous schlep from one inconvenient place to another only used in dire situations when you can’t accomplish the same thing online.” I walked a total of 4 avenue blocks with an air-conditioned train ride in between and my entire body was so drenched in sweat I looked like Jillian Michaels talking to her parents about when she is going to settle down and find the right guy.
Moral of the story–stay inside fuckers.
I never really understood Dragonfly’s. Even as a kid I loved them because they were easy to catch (haha, my how these behaviors have bled into my adult life) but my mother always told me they while they were the most poisonous insects in the world, their mouths were too small to bite me. This is not the most absurd thing my mother ever said. I can’t sleep with my legs hanging off a bed because the oolie goolie monsters will apparently slash my achilles tendons in the night.But I digress.
Dragonfly’s have no need for four wings–it just creates the need for a longer body. Which then makes them look like a dick. Which is actually the only part of a dragonfly that I am okay with.
There are several instances where I think god was either high or overworked and cracked out on diet pills(because Im sure even god has to watch his weight to stay in shape for Mrs. God –platypuses, anglerfish, Kate Walsh and dragonflys. It’s like those projects you work on where you just keep adding more and more and then give up and hit the submit button.
Which is exactly what I am going to do now.