Posts tagged ‘gay’
For those of us who are aware that Hugh Jackman is a card carrying powerdrill-collecting Crisco pre-lubing bottom, this may come as no surprise. But Marvel X-men character Wolverine was recently revealed to be a homo, and in a secret relationship with Hercules. If you can bypass the fucktuppery of that statement for one moment, I can explain. Apparently in the Marvel universe there are different realities, and in this particular one Wolverine is in a monogamous (meaning they have threesomes with fresh-off-the-boat Colombian bartenders from Craigslist) relationship with this particular universes version of Hercules. Of course, Hercules’ father (who is apparently a member of the Westboro Baptist Church) can’t stand the fact that his son would be in a relationship with a “mortal” (read: guy) and sends them both to the fiery pits of Hell.
Sounds about right. I am a little shocked by this because if I was going to pinpoint a stool-stuffer from X-men my money would have been on Gambit or Jubilee. Gambit, because he obviously liked to hit the bottle and you know most guys are three beers away from a midnight hand-job in the basement, and Jubilee because Asian twinks have no choice but to be gay- because no self-respecting woman would ever sleep with them.
Regardless, I am glad that Wolverine finally found a big, beefy back to dig his claws into. I can only imagine the smell of the bear-on-bear leather bondage sex they must have. I would go so far as to say it smells like unkempt hobo ballsack, Nutella, and Jovan Musk.
I consider myself pretty well-versed in the sub-categories of gay culture. The standard categories of bear, twink, otter, and garflog narfler (Coneheads reference-get some culture, people) are pretty well-known. I have only recently heard about the Gaymer subculture however, and I have to admit I don’t really understand it. So its a couple or group of gay guys that get together and play video games? This basically means that they drone out and entertain themselves by doing everything except talking to each other? Doesn’t that just make them a hetero married couple?
I play Mario Kart all the time with my roommate when I am fucked up, but does that make me a Gaymer? Is there some kind of initiation rite I had to go through, like 6 rounds of ass-pounding in the ring with Ryu from street-fighter, before I can join? Do I need to drink Gaymer Cider (yes, I Googled) in order to be accepted?
Long story short, I just don’t get it. Anyone want to clue me in?
When I am feeling down about myself, there are a few things I sometimes do:
1. Walk around Hells Kitchen–even if you are dawg-ugly chances are there is at least one self-hating gay guy on Ninth Ave that will eye-fuck you so hard your ass will bleed.
2. I look up photos of
Lindsay Lohan Faces of Meth. Not only do they give me the healthy self-esteem boost I need, but they also remind me of how lucky I am that I failed chemistry. They also remind me of my dad, and give me a warm, fuzzy feeling in my veins. The kind of feeling that reminds me of living life to the fullest and cleaning my entire house from top to bottom.
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I don’t know what turns me on more: that his skin is pale as freshly fallen snow/a freshly cut rail of blow, that his lips are as sculpted as a finely made flesh-light, or that his vacant children of the corn eyes stare into my soul so hard my tampon explodes into a fiery rain of toxic shock syndrome. Regardless, Evan Peters of American Horror Story fame is the kind of guy who could easily charm his way into your home, then rob, rape, and murder you without even having to say “please”.
Is he stereotypically “hot”? No. The bags under his eyes could hold an entire years worth of RuPaul’s Drag Race Nyx Cosmetics, and his greasy hair is more flammable than Joe Simpson. That’s what makes him so hot though- he represents a new kind of attractiveness. The kind of beauty you find behind a dumpster, shooting up heroin, about to kill itself.
I’d fuck it. Would you?
Somebody should have taught him to swallow…
That’s the face I make when I jerk off thinking of Read more…
This isn’t going to be a full recap, so much as an open discussion on all the craziness that went down on American Horror Story: Asylum last night. Full disclosure: I wasn’t sober when I watched it, so forgive me (and by forgive, I mean high-five because it gave me the courage to watch it in the dark).
It starts off in present day at the abandoned Briarcliff Asylum, with Adam Levine screwing Channing Tatum’s wife Jenna Dewan-Tatum on a metal gurney/temperpedic adjustable bed. Then, she hears some strange noise (that isn’t the sound of their sex-based marriage imploding) and wants to go check it out. They find a scary room, and she wants to get inside. He wants to get inside too, obviously, because the only way he will explore it is if she promises him a blowie. Then he gets his arm ripped off. Her blowjobs must be really good to get him to enter this place.
Then we cut to my season 1 Crush (him and every other guy on the show) Evan Peters playing Kit, a gas station attendant in the 1960′s in an interracial relationship with some woman from The Help named Alma. They have hot sex, then apparently get abducted by Aliens? Kit gets fingered in the ass by some long alien fingers, and pretends not to like it. Later, the cops find his beautsie black wife skinned, and he gets committed as a serial killer. Did anyone else see the throwback to season 1, when Evan Peters probed a gay cowboy up the ass with a fire poker? Karma’s a bitch, my friend.
It was nice seeing Evan Peters’s ass as they hosed him down with freezing cold lube and strapped him to a bed, ready for more alien action that would never come.
Sister Mary Jude (who oversees Briarcliff) needs to get pounded, like right now. Her vagina is obviously dryer than a Nevada desert at noon. This is why we masturbate, people. Jessica Lange was flawless as the ball-busting, hypocritical, dried up old whore nun. When she isn’t torturing her inmates by spanking them with whips or shaving their heads, she is walking around in a bright red Christy Turlington Casuals Collection for Kmart negligee and fantasizing about her boss. I understand that when you work with someone, it immediately makes them more attractive, but I don’t know if Read more…
Sidenote: These scams will only work if you have really ignorant parents. Luckily, the majority of us live in America. All of us that have been through it know that its hard to be young and gay. Not only are you dealing with a shitload of emotional issues and hormones, but you are constantly horny all the time, and have to deal with trying to fit in, in a hostile school environment full of other crazy kids. Luckily, if there is one way to skirt by being a teen, its by taking advantage of materialism. Teenagers are too young and inexperienced to have developed any really awesome personality traits, so instead they focus on materialism. What you are wearing and what you drive is much more important than who you are, so if you find yourself wanting to come out as gay, but having to deal with super ignorant parents, you might as well take advantage of it. Here are some suggestions to get you started:
Tell them you are seeking religious counseling from your super hot, christian friend from school. Tell them that if they hear any strange noises late at night, it is your friend trying to exorcise the gay demon out of you.
Tell them its a phase. Parents always believe this, and it gives you carte blanche to go fucking crazy for a while, and be as gay as you want. As long as they think its temporary, you would be surprised what they will sweep under the rug, including the plastic handles of Karkov vodka you convinced them to buy you so you could “experiment at home, where you are safe.”
Tell them you think your need to “try new things” is just because you are bored in your hometown. Parlay this into an all expenses paid trip to New York for an internship or weekend retreat, which you can promptly ditch and use the fake ID you bought off Etsy to meet more people like you.
No matter how you slice it, gay is gay. If you are sure you are gay, and your parents probably won’t accept it at first, you might as well have some fun with it. They will come around eventually, but hopefully by then you will have a lot to show for it. And they will end up proud that they raised such a self-knowing, manipulative bastard.
The 60′s were an interesting time. On one hand you had conservative America trying to keep the idea of the nuclear family alive by censoring everything. On the other, a revolution against that was brewing, and hippies were hanging out on the horizon, smoking their brains out and having promiscuous sex. I love that era though because television was so inadvertently gay. Batman is the best example I can think of. They weren’t even trying to be gay, but they put a BDSM Adam West in a black rubber suit and gave him a little twink acrobat wearing lycra as a sidekick. That’s all Im saying. I have seen a lot of things, but there is very little (besides Clay Aiken) that is more gay than that.
“Bitch please. I’ve got One Million Dollars that says One Million Moms are irrelevant and ineffectual.”
I know that headline may seem misleading, but I mean it as literally as possible: One Million Moms attacked Jennifer Lopez via the internet regarding a lesbian drama (tv show) that she is producing. The show is called The Fosters’s is about a multi-ethnic family headed up by a lesbian couple, and their multi-ethnic biological and foster kids. Basically its about Brad and Angelina, if Angelina had a penis.
Even though the show doesn’t even have a pilot yet, One Million Mom’s is up in arms, stating:
“Hollywood is continuing to push an agenda that homosexuality is acceptable when scripture states clearly it is a sin. As Christians, the Bible also says that we must speak up against sin. If we remain silent then we are guilty of sin also.”
I have some questions/comments:
Murder is also a sin (one that can actually have an impact on all our children, by killing them). Maybe you should re-allocate your resources against murder, where you may actually be able to make a difference.
Lesbians have the distinct ability to procreate naturally (unlike us poor gays). You can argue that you don’t think lesbians make fit mothers, but neither do a lot of straight women, (Casey Anthony is one of you, by the way). If God didn’t intend lesbian mothers to procreate, he would have replaced their uteri with beer storage. Lesbian mothers are still mothers, biologically and otherwise.
The symbol of the mother has always been a symbol of love and nurturing. One Million Moms bastardizes this universal symbol by teaching intolerance under the guise that they are protecting their children from the homosexual agenda. Imposing your beliefs on subsequent generations isn’t a form of protection, its a form of Read more…
The two most exciting things about the 2012 London Olympics are making fun of Gabby Douglas’s jacked up yaki, and the complete and utter buttery sexy goodness of the American gymnastic and swim teams. In previous years, the focus has been more on the sports aspect of the games, and the sexiness has just been a nice, wash-boarded backdrop. This year, everyone is focused on how fast Ryan Lochte’s sperm can swim, which leads me to believe that the world is only getting more and more slutty.
I would like to think Gloganvlog plays a small part in that. Making the world more slutty is written into our mission statement. So, here are a shit-ton of the male Olympic swimmers looking super naked, and super gay.
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Exhibit A: Cock-eyed nipples. In the middle ages, people with wandering nipples were burnt at the stake for being tardsy.
Exhibit B: He posted for this picture, so he is either retarded, or a colossal douche.
Let me preface this by saying that I love retarded people. A lot of the guys I have dated have had a touch of the Downs’, and I enjoy it because they are physically attractive, but not smart enough to catch onto the fact that I am totally manipulating them. I am not calling Ryan Lochte unattractive, in fact out of all the Olympic Athletes who I would cock hardcore, he is definitely in the top 100. I am saying that his eyes are a little sloped, and he says some pretty stupid things. I will also say (and maybe this makes me a skinty bitch) that he is a little thick. Yes, he is an Olympic Athlete, but does anyone else think he is built like a brownstone? I recognize that tiny little belly button pooch like its my mother’s bush. It comes from excessive alcohol use. Here is my evidence that Ryan Lochte belongs in the Special Olympics:
He told Women’s Health Magazine that the best way to pick up women is to wink at them. He said “[I] make eye contact. Some guys keep staring, but I’ll give a wink and come back later, because it keeps her thinking,”
Yes, it keeps her thinking that maybe you have Tourette’s.
He told ESPN that women are “Evil”. He said: “Is there decent girl out there who doesn’t lie?” he asked. “They all lie. They’re all evil. I just want to meet someone who is real, who is honest … who wants to love me as a person.”
What poon-respecting straight man would ever publicly call women evil? If he keeps this up, he will be a on a one-way train to dick-town. On second thought, this doesn’t make him retarded it makes him smart. Keep it up!
He allowed his mom to tell the world Read more…