Posts tagged ‘facebook’
Sidebar: The Shell earrings are clearly from a t-shirt store that sells Welcome to Florida magnets, and the necklace is obviously Mary Kate for Texaco Couture. Did Britney Spears spend all her money on Natty Light and Nappy weave?
Do you remember Britney Spears’s song Overprotected back in the day when she was still heavily controlled by her managers (before she became heavily controlled by substances)? If you haven’t, basically the song is about how sheltered she was in her youth. Then, do you remember when she shaved her head and went all Mary Poppins on some paparazzi? That is either proof that her managers had the right idea, or proof that you shouldn’t shelter a teen popstar, because as soon as they have a little freedom they will go ape-shit.
My theory is that Britney Spears stopped giving a shit a long time ago. Think about it- she walks out of the house wearing the ultimate fashion travesty-denim cutoff shorts and Uggs. She never spends more than $35 on weave. She doesn’t diet or eat right. She gives concerts so lackadaisical that Michael J. Fox has more rhythm. On X Factor, (which I absolutely love btw) she obviously has a stylist, but even with a professional trying to get her together she still looks like a Lousiana ex pageant queen that let herself go, and now sits on her Lazy Boy watching reruns of Toddlers & Tiaras while eating frosting with her fingers. Britney Spears became a millionaire when she was a teenager. She doesn’t give a fuck anymore, and has reverted back to the exact same person she would have been if she had never been famous. And I respect her for that.
But since she gives so few fucks, her fans have stepped in, and defended her personally. Do you remember that little mangina Chris Crocker with his “Leave Britney Alone” diatribe? (sidebar: he is actually hot now, which is some Twilight Zone, Lost, Clockwork Orange bullshit).
I am just saying.
Fans all over the world change their last names to Spears on Facebook and collect photos of her (mostly old photos if you notice). They defend her on message boards, social media sites, and in person. My roommate recently went on a date that visibly blanched every time someone mentioned Beyonce, because he was so obsessed with Britney. People treat her like she’s the village idiot-someone who doesn’t know any better and can’t stand up for herself. Gay guys get in fights over it. Its absolutely ridiculous because she CLEARLY doesn’t care anymore, so I don’t understand why her fans do.
All this is a result of Instagram. Sometimes, when I am watching shows I like to pause the TV just to see what kind of bat-shit faces I can catch people making (yes, sometimes I am even sober when I do this). I uploaded a picture of ole Britsy yesterday and received the comment below. I am in no way posting this to call this guy out (okay, maybe I am calling him out a little, but in fairness he hashtagged that I #needalife when his name is BryanJSpears) (Also, follow me in Instagram @gary_adrian_randall) but I want to point out how ridiculous Britney fans are that they think they need to defend her like she’s some charity case.
News Flash: Britney Spears is sitting in a fucking mansion right now on top of a four wheeler, smoking a Marlboro red, drinking a beer, and watching her kids mud wrestle in her jacuzzi. She doesn’t need your pity. She doesn’t need you to protect her. All she wants is to be left the fuck alone long enough to watch a marathon of “Deadliest Catch”.
I think she has earned that.
He was ostracized from his community because he was different. Then he got nailed, hard.
He had a rough week, then slept for three days straight. Basically me after Gay Days, The White Party, or Labor Day weekend at Fire Island.
He surrounded himself with 12 men. Just look at the Facebook profile of any gay guy for a modern, shirtless redux of the 12 apostles. Or disciples. Or whatever. I never actually read the bible, I just skimmed a few Amazon reviews.
He wore a dress. Granted, it was a little more coverage than I would prefer- you should make a choice between showcasing decolletage, legs, or arms and stick to it but people were a lot more conservative back in medieval times when he lived.
He had a bitchin beard. If Jesus walked around town in the Castro, bears everywhere would Read more…
1. Do you ever ask rhetorical questions in your status updates, such as: Why is it that the guys I always go for rape me, and leave me in an alleyway to die?
Do you really want the answer to that? Do you? Its because you are obviously insecure, so you are attracting guys that prey on insecure, stupid sluts.
2. Do you change your relationship status more than 3 times a year?
Those aren’t relationships, you half-wit. They are failures. Changing your relationship status more than 3 times a year is basically just announcing to the world that you suck at dating, and probably accidentally bite when you’re giving a blowie. It is literally impossible to have more than 3 meaningful relationships per year, unless to you, the word meaningful describes a plenty of fish hookup in the parking lot of a Long John Silver’s. P.S, It’s Complicated isn’t a relationship status. Its a cry for help from a fuct up mess.
3. Do you post half naked photos of yourself, and then berate people for commenting on them, i.e: “God, I am so fat in this picture” when you are wearing a Century 21 sheer camisole with a whale tale?
If you really think you are fat, then stop broadcasting your lard for the world to see. But just so you know, if you were that grotesquely fat you wouldn’t be able to fit your entire body in the photo using the tiny lens for your iphone.
4. The duck face.
You know the duck face. Its that face we all make when we are looking in the mirror, even though sub-consciously we know we don’t actually look like that. Lindsay Lohan used to make the duck face in the mirror. Thats all I’m saying. The duck face doesn’t belong in photos.
5. Do you get in fights and/or arguments on facebook?
This is a tricky one. If you are arguing with someone on Facebook in order to publicly shame them for being a stupid moron, then I say go for it. If you are airing out your personal laundry, and calling out the girl that slept with your boyfriend then you need to take a magic mushroom pill and grow up. When you call out somebody publicly for sleeping with your boyfriend, what you are really saying is that your vagina looks like a half-eaten ham sandwich and he needed to go get it elsewhere. Infidelity is embarrassing enough without you announcing it to all of Facebook to see.
Basically, Facebook should be used to keep in contact with your friends, make people laugh, share important news/articles, hook up with people you meet at parties, and expand your social network.
Its a social networking tool, not a social validation network.
For those of you who no longer read the newspaper (get it? – since that pretty refers to the entire world?) Facebook has unveiled plans to make it possible to share your status as an organ donor on its social networking site. I didn’t read much more than to skim a few lines of Google, but I am already taking deep, penetrating, personal offense to this.
Its bad enough that the fat chick from sixth grade who got a hot dog stuck in her gine feels the need to constantly Facebook chat me, and I guiltily respond every time since I’m the one that bought her the package of hotdogs and filmed it with a camcorder attached to a VCR (we are celebrating Obsolete Day here at Gloganvlog). I don’t want her thinking that if I ever need a new liver, she can just volunteer for the job. Stalkers are scary enough, but now they have a way to get inside your permanently?
Also, say that you are desperately in need of a lung, and you happen to know that your ex boyfriend is Read more…
Today’s reader submission comes from Michael, a straight guy (I know, I didn’t know they read this site either!) trying to navigate the dangerous waters of online dating.
In 2005, back when you still had to be invited by someone to join Facebook, I thought to myself, WHY do I need my face and info on some online site?
7 years later I am an addict. If a day goes by where I didn’t look at a friends profile or update my status I have palpitations. The evolution of Facebook has just made it so easy for your “friends” to stalk your every move, and you let them by making your business public. Relief came with the advent of creating “lists” to limit what certain friends can or cannot see.
Obviously this includes people I’ve dated and potential future dates. If we only just met, I ain’t even gonna add her on FB. I won’t look up her Twitter account or news articles about how she saved a cat from a burning building or won the award for best pole dancer on the eastern sea board.
If we already knew each other, you can bet I am placing her skank ass on Restricted. She doesn’t need to see pics of my skank
ass getting wasted, or with other girls at clubs, or my random status updates about how amazing I am and how large my… um… ego… is. Thats not me being fake; thats me being selective about how I want certain people to see me. I can choose to make certain posts public, and others private, just like I would share my information in reality with my friends vs strangers. She and I need to get to know each other from through personal space, not cyber space.
Yes it’s cute while it lasts. You put yourselves in your little relationship status and write cutesy comments on each others walls, making those around you want to projectile vomit on to your face through the computer. But what happens when shit turns sour? If this relationship doesn’t last (highly likely because she’s a stage 5 clinger and I’m way too good for her) then I don’t want to dangle my social life in front of her like a steak in front of Kujo. She and I each don’t need to be constantly bombarded with updates from each others lives. We need to move on. I don’t want to have to read her passive aggressive status quotes about love lost, where they’re obviously focused on me, nor do I want her to see my pictures making out with new girls to get over her (ok fine maybe I do but I also don’t want her to kill herself because of it).
Facebook has just made the process of dating and communicating way too complicated. If you have something to say to someone you like, pick up the phone and call them. Don’t send them a “friend request;” send them a phone call. And if you were Facebook friends while you dated, and the relationship didn’t last, or you had a terrible break up, at least have the decency to put each other on Restricted or De-friend each other to stay away from drama. Save that shit for Susan Lucci; drama clings to her like a 50 cent hoe clings to a corner.
I have no idea what it is about Facebook that causes people to not be able to focus, but I tend to suffer from the same problem. It’s not even that interesting. Most of the people I’m friends with on it, I either met once and will never meet again, went to school with them and hope to never meet them again, I’m stalking them, or they’re my crazy family.
Basically I don’t care whats happening in any of these people’s lives. But I’ll be damned if I don’t look at my Facebook 9 times before I finish writing this blog. Actually, I’m sure I’ll be damned anyways, I’m a cunty, lesbian, who drinks a lot. There are plenty of reasons I’ll be damned.
I’d like to say that I don’t spend endless hours every week on Facebook – but I would never want to lie to my loyal and slutty followers. But there are tell tale signs that you should be able to pick upon to avoid Facebook addiction. Whatever happened to the good ol’ days when people just got addicted to crack?
Top Reasons You Know You Are Addicted to Facebook
- You find yourself endlessly scrolling through other people’s pictures – people you don’t even know
- You get noticeably excited when you earn new crops, money, or rewards from an online Facebook game
- You tell people that you made a new friend today – but they live in hut somewhere in Zimbabwe
- You use the line “I am going to take you off my friends list” as an actual real-life threat
- You have a special browser tab solely dedicated to Facebook that you keep open all day
- If you can’t check in at a particular restaurant you won’t eat there
- You instantly become better than all your friends because you have recieved more notifications than them
- You use Facebook as a hook-up site
- You created a Facebook page for your pet/baby/alter-ego
- When your friend tells you they will call you later – and you tell them just to Facebook you
- You get delirium tremens because someone sent you a chain letter via Facebook and your were unable to share with 10 of your closest friends in time – and now you have bad luck for 7 years.