Posts tagged ‘elton john’
Your Twenties Are For Getting F***** Up!
Why is that when some people reach their mid-20s they feel the need to settle down and start popping out babies like a Mexican chicken farm? What is the rush people, everyone knows that 35 is the new 25 – unless you are Lindsey Lohan in which case 35 is the new 55.
What I’m getting at is that we have much more time to raise a family than our parents and grandparents. When they were young they had to be worried about being killed off by Tuberculosis, The Black Plague, and Elton John’s music so starting a family early on was way more important. You have the unique situation in your 2o’s of being young and beautiful and also making a decent living – it’s the perfect combination so don’t waste it. Go out and have fun, get fucked up, be silly, and do stupid things because I certainly do.
And that’s how Jew C’s it.
The Hangover Diaries: Gay Days 2012, Private Foam Parties, Gram Crackaz, And Tranny Blowjobs
The 3 people behind me are talking about how the lesbian in the ballcap got tittyfucked even though her nickname is “A Cup”
Gay Days this year was just too.many.things. In the interest of protecting my group of friends from all the debauchery that we got into, and also because frankly, I don’t remember all of who did what, I will be referring to everyone in an extremely vague way.
The official mascot of Gay Days 2012 (we elect one for every holiday) was Rose McGowan. I will explain that in a post later today.
So we started off the weekend in a torrential downpour (which never surprises me since god always makes it rain on gay holidays) so we ate at Planet Hollywood. When I walked in, drunk, they asked me if I was “wet” but I heard “white” so we started off on a racist note. We got shitfaced on Belvedere and nicknamed ourselves The Gram Crackahs. Then we checked into a fucking amazing super suite with panoramic views, 3 bedrooms, and a jacuzzi tub. A few of us immediately started popping adderral. I threw on the skankiest bathing suit I could find and headed over to the host hotel to hang out with friends. One of us started stockpiling adderrall on the first day. This lead to him/her singing songs by Elton John and/or The Lion King Soundtrack in the living room for hours and a bedroom drawer full of leftover pills (which is surprising since at one point, to rally, he took 7 of them at 9 AM).
At Parliament house before we started running away from the laser beams cause we thought they were gonna mess up our hair.
Several of us got super fucked up and hung out on the balcony until 7 AM, when we went inside and found that another one of us had overflowed (is that proper grammar? It was at the time) the jacuzzi jets in the bathroom. We all immediately jumped into the tub too and had a bubble fight. At one point, JMO swallowed a shit ton of bubbles and had a panic attack. Nadia and I just scoffed and said “Get yo shit togeffer squrl” which I am pretty sure is some version of gay ebonics, and kept drinking.
He lived.
You’re welcome JMO.
Those two strange bands of light on my leg are daylight. Day. Muthafuggin. Light.
Typhoon Lagoon was totally awesome this year. For those of you who don’t know, they open the Typhoon Lagoon water park at night, for a huge circuit party. It is unbelievable. One of us bought tickets for everyone ahead of time so we actually ended up with an extra (which we gave to a random person in line-hoping to buy our way into heaven, or at least off the one way train- track to AIDStown, USA). One of us made out with a super old guy in line who promptly removed all his clothes. In line. To purchase a locker, within which to put his clothes.
Two of us made a game of seeing if we could Read more…
The Madonna Monster: Nicki Minaj And M.I.A Better Watch Their Backs
When it comes to pop stars, Madonna is basically like King Midas, except that everything she touches turns to bald, chain-smoking, fat white trash. Madonna was born with a super power, much like Katy Perry’s power to turn everything into douche, or Zooey Deschanel’s power to give guys with glasses and braces hard-ons. If you fuck with Madonna ( I am talking to you, Elton) she will come for you. She won’t do it in a traditional sense, because her days of blowing guys in bus stop bathrooms and then shanking them for $20 are long over (by about 147 years). Nowadays, Madonna comes for you mentally. She inserts herself into your head through her songs, and then drives you to revert back to your true nature. For Britney, it was becoming an extra on MTV’s Teen Mom. For Christina, it was giving in to her latina roots, and allowing her thighs to become the size of Buicks.
Now that Madonna has duped poor innocent Nicki Minaj and M.I.A. into her Gimme all your Luvin video that is airing at the superbowl, it is only a matter of time before Nicki Minaj dies in Read more…
Photoshop Fucktuppery: The Unicorns Deserved Extinction
I am going to just start randomly listing all the things that are wrong with this photo. Feel free to agree with me.
1. There is nothing really sexy about a unicorn. If unicorns existed they would just prance around all day farting glitter. They would be the worst kind of gay guy–the gay for the sake of being gay super flaming homo that insists on starving down to 100 lbs, subsisting on a diet of meth and parliament lights, driving a 93 Pontiac Grand Prix littered with old bags from McDonald’s, and being called Lil Mama while they are being pounded by a 37 year old jazz choreographer they met at a “video store”.
2. This guy looks like a catfish. If he was underwater and made this face he would be able to collect plankton without even trying. I am going scalloping today with my brother-in-law. If I see anything resembling this guy under that water I am going to set the Gulf of Mexico on fire. Read more…
