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Posts tagged ‘dingleberries’

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Photoshop Fucktuppery: The Unicorns Deserved Extinction

July 31, 2011

I am going to just start randomly listing all the things that are wrong with this photo. Feel free to agree with me.

1. There is nothing really sexy about a unicorn. If unicorns existed they would just prance around all day farting glitter. They would be the worst kind of gay guy–the gay for the sake of being gay super flaming homo that insists on starving down to 100 lbs, subsisting on a diet of meth and parliament lights, driving a 93 Pontiac Grand Prix littered with old bags from McDonald’s, and being called Lil Mama while they are being pounded by a 37 year old jazz choreographer they met at a “video store”.

2. This guy looks like a catfish. If he was underwater and made this face he would be able to collect plankton without even trying. I am going scalloping today with my brother-in-law. If I see anything resembling this guy under that water I am going to set the Gulf of Mexico on fire. Read more…

I Wish Some Sneaky Bitch Would Come Do This To Me Today

July 6, 2011

 

It is unimaginably hot out there.

If god has a nutsack, he has placed planet Earth (specifically new york)  hanging in the heated folds underneath that thing like an unchristian dingleberry from hell. The kind of dingleberry that just won’t quit no matter how many plys your charmin boasts. I just had to run an errand–and I should mention that errand in New York can literally be translated as “painstakingly torturous schlep from one inconvenient place to another only used in dire situations when you can’t accomplish the same thing online.” I walked a total of 4 avenue blocks with an air-conditioned train ride in between and my entire body was so drenched in sweat I looked like Jillian Michaels talking to her parents about when she is going to settle down and find the right guy.

Moral of the story–stay inside fuckers.

5 Reasons I Am Glad I Wasn’t An Adult In the 70′s or 80′s

March 1, 2011

1. Mustaches. I don’t understand what, if anything has ever been attractive about a mustache. The only two times I have been attracted to a guy with a mustache was when it was an ironic pornstache grown as a tribute to famous 70′s pornstaches everywhere (seen on a genuine Williamsburg Hipster) , and when it was on a bulldyke who wanted to seduce me just to prove that she could. (and she did)

2. Sharon Stone. Because growing up in a time when the standard for hot is a coked up skeletal man-eater with teeth in her vagina is the stuff of nightmares.

 

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