Posts tagged ‘dating’
I’ve seen a bunch of Davey Wavey’s video’s in my years on this Earth, but have never posted one. Why? Because every time I watch one I get so mesmerized by his glistening he-tits and perfect nip-to-nip ratio that I forget what the fuck I am doing. My ears literally heal over, and my eyes? Instant bloodshot. But at least now they match my gown. Watching him talk is like staring into the sun. (Video at the bottom of the post)
But in all realness, (yes, realness) he has a point, and I have an addendum I would like to add: The myriad of ways that gay guys ask for sex, (especially in NYC) and why they suck:
Want to watch a movie? Lets pretend to watch a movie. 5 minutes in, I will start dry-humping your dick-hole from behind, even if you are grubbing on a bucket of fiery chipotle wings whilst we watch Shindler’s List. This one sucks because you never get to see how the fucking movie ends!
Want to cuddle? I am too shy to straight up ask for sex, but the only thing you are going to be cuddling is your lost virtue and broken dreams when I go downtown to pound-town on you and never call again. This one sucks because these guys pretend they like to cuddle? Who the fuck likes to cuddle?
Want to get a drink? I am not creative enough to think of a real date idea, plus I just want to sniff your ass and decide if you’re someone worth fucking twice. So lets get liquored up and go bar-to-bedroom, leaving me enough time to meet my friends and get shit-faced after. This one sucks because Read more…
I imagine this is what Gary’s dating life consists of when he isn’t trying to scissor me on chaise lounges. Actually this might even be Gary in the morning. I think I’ve woken up next to him looking like this. Fuck.
Are Ashton Kutcher And Mila Kunis F#cking, Or Do They Just Have The Same Hairdresser?
Lets face the facts, Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis have fucked before. Two super attractive people don’t star on an ensemble cast show together for years without dipping the wick at least once, especially with all the drug abuse that went on during that 70′s show. If you need any proof of this, examine Exhibit A.
Ashton Kutcher obviously has a type, too. If you thinned out Mila’s Nose and cut off about 60 lbs of body fat, and added about 45 years, she would be a poor man’s Demi. Mila also looks like a girl that knows how to take a dick up the ass (and by that, I mean she seems very laid back and cool. She probably wouldn’t even whimper like an asian midget porn star. She would just snicker and say “Lube is for pussies”.)
I know Ashton and Mila are currently co-stars. They are both Read more…
Gloganvlog Reader Submission: Facebook Relationship Fails
Today’s reader submission comes from Michael, a straight guy (I know, I didn’t know they read this site either!) trying to navigate the dangerous waters of online dating.
In 2005, back when you still had to be invited by someone to join Facebook, I thought to myself, WHY do I need my face and info on some online site?
7 years later I am an addict. If a day goes by where I didn’t look at a friends profile or update my status I have palpitations. The evolution of Facebook has just made it so easy for your “friends” to stalk your every move, and you let them by making your business public. Relief came with the advent of creating “lists” to limit what certain friends can or cannot see.
Obviously this includes people I’ve dated and potential future dates. If we only just met, I ain’t even gonna add her on FB. I won’t look up her Twitter account or news articles about how she saved a cat from a burning building or won the award for best pole dancer on the eastern sea board.
If we already knew each other, you can bet I am placing her skank ass on Restricted. She doesn’t need to see pics of my skank
ass getting wasted, or with other girls at clubs, or my random status updates about how amazing I am and how large my… um… ego… is. Thats not me being fake; thats me being selective about how I want certain people to see me. I can choose to make certain posts public, and others private, just like I would share my information in reality with my friends vs strangers. She and I need to get to know each other from through personal space, not cyber space.
Yes it’s cute while it lasts. You put yourselves in your little relationship status and write cutesy comments on each others walls, making those around you want to projectile vomit on to your face through the computer. But what happens when shit turns sour? If this relationship doesn’t last (highly likely because she’s a stage 5 clinger and I’m way too good for her) then I don’t want to dangle my social life in front of her like a steak in front of Kujo. She and I each don’t need to be constantly bombarded with updates from each others lives. We need to move on. I don’t want to have to read her passive aggressive status quotes about love lost, where they’re obviously focused on me, nor do I want her to see my pictures making out with new girls to get over her (ok fine maybe I do but I also don’t want her to kill herself because of it).
Facebook has just made the process of dating and communicating way too complicated. If you have something to say to someone you like, pick up the phone and call them. Don’t send them a “friend request;” send them a phone call. And if you were Facebook friends while you dated, and the relationship didn’t last, or you had a terrible break up, at least have the decency to put each other on Restricted or De-friend each other to stay away from drama. Save that shit for Susan Lucci; drama clings to her like a 50 cent hoe clings to a corner.
Interviews And Relationships: How They Are Both Obnoxious
Interviews are a lot like relationships for me. I suck at both of them. I can’t lie in either one of them without stuttering, sweating, and looking at the floor. I generally fail at them (pretty badly). And spending my time in them is more torturous to me than shooting my face off with lasers.
However, in this life time it’s pretty impossible to escape these fates.
I try really hard to escape… but I usually fail at that as well.
Jenna Marbles As Nicky Minaj: On Dating
First Official Rozalyn Responds: Are Relationships A Good Diet?
When dating someone who is smaller in size than you are, why do people automatically think that you lose weight cause being with this person makes you feel self conscious?
Dear Jessica,
Because they’re right, no one wants to be the fatter partner. I’m not even in a relationshit currently & this question is making me feel self conscious. This is probably what Star Jones was thinking too before she exchanged her thinking for thinning.
You’ve already put a ton of effort into your physical appearance by losing weight – next time you go for a run don’t forget to put effort into exercising your mental & emotional well-being by sweating away a little bit of your defenses.
Spending time caring what other people think is about as effective as using birth control when you’re strictly an anal kind of girl. Spending time considering what other people think is about as effective as Read more…
No Matter How Successful You Get : Happy Birthday Britney
On this, the most joyous of occasions I think its important to talk a little about Britney Spears and the things we have learned from her.
No matter how successful you get, it is still okay to date a back-up dancer. Jennifer Lopez agrees.
No matter how successful you get, you don’t have to wear a bra. Who cares if your nipples point so far south that they effect the gravitational pull of the Earth’s rotation around the sun?
No matter how successful you get, it is still okay to do meth. I know some people (Whitney) call it the poor people’s cocaine, but she lives in Atlanta and sounds like a seagull being raped by a bald eagle in a bear bar when she sings.
No matter how successful you get, it is never shameful to Read more…
Men Are From Mars, Women Can Go To Hell
via TLS
As a gay man I have a unique perspective on the comings and goings of straight relationships. When I am not trying to sleep with your boyfriend, I am paying attention to the interactions that go on between you. This outsider’s perspective qualifies me to comment on it.
So here are my gripes about the state of straights:
Women deny themselves sex. You think having sex will ruin your vagina for your future husband even though every time you get excited you wet yourself like a newborn doberman. Your body tells you that you need it, your mind tells you that you want it, and your gennies practically demand it but still you turn it away? Do you know what we gays call this? Torture.
You call each other sluts and put each other down for being “easy” but secretly you want a man, right? Do you know what a man likes most in the world? Sex. But if you give it up too easy you imagine he won’t respect you after. So you freak out. Do you know what turns a man off the most in the world? A girl freaking out.
Even gay guys can’t stand that.
You also worry over every little text message and dissect every little meaning, whereas Read more…
What To Do If Your Relationship Makes You Want To Blow Your Brains Out
Do you ever just look at your lover, snoring quietly on the pillow beside you and think to yourself: Oh, my love–how I wish you would just stop fucking breathing.
I was chatting with a friend the other day about the state of relationships–and how whenever they feel like things might be cooling off they give it a couple of months to see if it heats up again. My rule of thumb is if I am constantly unhappy for 3 weeks I am pretty much done with the relationship. (This is when I close myself off emotionally and completely get over the person before I even dump them). But there are plenty of couples that stay together for one reason or another. So I decided to make a list of those reasons and whether they are good or bad.
GOOD- You have kids together. When you decide to have a kid with someone you are basically automatically partnering with them for life. You will always be that child’s parents even if one of you dies in a suspicious accident involving a grappling hook and an ill constructed roof awning. If you think there is any chance that you can preserve a semblance of a relationship for the sake of your family I say that is a good reason.
GOOD- You both are/got fat. If you are both fat genetically then you should probably stay together because finding love when you are overweight is much harder than doing it when you are skinny. If you both got fat you need to understand that nobody in their right mind is going to want to date you in this shape–so you might as well become workout buddies and then break up when you are both skinny and hot again.
BAD- You are afraid to be alone. You were born alone. You will die alone. Hopefully you take shits alone and I am assuming that once in a blue moon you make up some absurd lie to get away from your mate and spend a few hours walking by the river contemplating jumping into it. If you are staying in a relationship because you are afraid to be alone, then alone is EXACTLY what you need to be. Read more…
