Posts tagged ‘cinderella’

We all watched the old school Disney movies when we were young (remember back when they were actually good?), and we all related on at least one or two levels to one of the princesses. You know, in your heart of hearts which Disney princess you are, and I think its high time you understood that, granted yourself the serenity to accept the things you cannot change, and started acting like the bitch you always wanted to be.

If you need help, refer to this handy guide:

Snow White: No offense, but you are a whore. People probably always try and hurt you with silly things like poison fruit, but shacking up with 7 men to protect you probably isn’t the best thing for your reputation. It is written in the bible that if a man provides shelter for a women she owes him at least 2-3 anal penetrations per week. My suggestion: take a self-defense class, buy a tazer, and the next time someone tries to shove fruit down your throat electrocute their asses until they pee out of their mouth. That is, unless it’s a cute guy and the fruit is a banana.

Belle: You like hairy men—I get it. But frankly saying that you want more than a provincial life and then moving a few towns over to a dank old castle isn’t really helping the problem. Your issue is that you don’t know what you really want. My suggestion is to pack up your friends (teacup,candlestick, clock) and go on a Crossroads style adventure around the country a la Britney Spears. You are only young once, and trust me- no matter how old you get you will still be able to bag a big hairy bear daddy. So have fun while you are still young.

Ariel: You need to raise your standards. All a guy has to have to get up in your conch shell is a pair of feet? Maybe its because you were born under the ocean where there just isn’t much competition (and that’s a scientific fact because if there were a bunch of mer-people out there we would have discovered them by now) but the world is full of Read more…