Posts tagged ‘christmas’
Have you ever noticed that no matter where you go or what you do around Christmastime, Mariah Carey’s “All I want for Christmas” song follows you around like an anorexic pitbull just freed from a Southern Californian fighting pit (basically Nick Cannon). I have tried everything short of running away to Zimbabwe to escape this song, but every day, every gay, I am constantly bombarded with that those few haunting opening notes. It is the number one google search for “All I want for Christmas” and has its own wikipedia page. So why is it that Mariah Carey dominates every Christmas party in 2012, even though the song came out in 1994 (thats nineteen-ninety-fucking-four)? I have some theories:
Because Mariah Carey is the same size, shape, and consistency as a gingerbread man. When you think of gingerbread men, you think of Christmas. Take a look at her face for a second: She has tiny little raisin eyes, pores the size of hubcaps, and a big smile that says: I am going to come to your holiday dinner, eat your fucking soul, and chase it with an entire gravy boat.
Because she Carey bought Christmas from Santa Claus for a cool 1 million dollars. You have to know here, that by Santa Claus, I mean Tommy Mottola. (think about it- they are both older than the Bible and love for little girls to sit on their laps. I am also pretty sure that neither of them have ever met a cookie they didn’t like). But you must know that by “buy Christmas” I mean he gave her Christmas in exchange for keeping the secret that he is toads molesty.
Because nobody embodies the term “ho,ho,ho” better than her.
Because Christmas is about giving gifts, and Mariah Carey thinks that she is the greatest gift of all. When it comes to divas, I feel like Mariah is up there with Celine and Barbra. I will openly admit that Mariah Carey is one of the most talented singers the world has ever seen. I will also openly admit that Read more…
However, it has recently been reported to us that Kate Middleton changed approximately five times on Christmas day. We can only hope these events will be broadcast live throughout the day, with commentary.
According to a deep ABC News’s investigation “Kate needed a casual outfit for breakfast, a smart outfit and a hat for the morning church service, a dress for lunch, a cocktail dress for early evening drinks and a full-length dress for the evening meal,”
Mind blowing. Read more…
My Mom did this one year. She put them in my stocking. They were rainbow. Really. If there’s one thing you don’t want to think of when putting something on your dick, it’s your Mom.
That sweater that you think will look so cute on us will probably be f’in ugly and too big. And we want to look cute in our Christmas mobile uploads. Read more…
Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, nothing was stirring except your drunken grandma in her polka blouse….
As it turns out the drunken old bat was looking for more eggnog to knock back before she retired her dentures for the evening. So before you begin sippin’ on the nog this evening I implore thee to watch the video below, and show it to grandma too.
Over the years my family has really thought up some doozeys of Christmas presents. Whether it’s on purpose or not. (It’s not. It’s not on purpose) Year and year again I am baffled by where they get some of these things. The best is when my dad shops. Because he’ll go christmas shopping at Home Depot if it’s on his list of things to do anyways. Which I’ll then end up with a box of nails, and a drill. Which I guess for a lesbian could be fitting.
Mariah Carey performed a special Christmas concert for several European countries a couple of weeks ago – but what makes this unique is that she performed all the concerts at the exact same time. Mariah’s hologram was digitally beamed to several locations as a part of T-Mobiles Life Sharing campaign (see video below).
Julia realized from an early age that much like a gremlin, she would one day transform into a beastly monstrosity that popped out of toilets, ruined Christmases, and caused general malarkey and mayhem in the lives of good Christians everywhere. What you can’t see in this photo is that Julia (wearing a Pepto-pink sweater from the Dollar Tree) is actually in the process of back-handing the photographer with her garish man-hands. Her other arm is holding a sawed off shotgun to her mother’s crotch while she whispers “You ever make me wear anything with a butterfly on it again and I swear on Joan Osborne’s soul I will bust a cap in your cooch so fast your grandmother will have a spontaneous abortion.” After this photo was snapped, she whipped out one of those faux switchblade combs, feathered her Aileen Wuornos wispy bangs, and walked away in a cloud of marlboro light smoke and societal oppression.
While I don’t want to make light of the tragedy in Japan, sometimes it’s hard for us (i.e. ME) to sympathize unless it comes a little closer to home. So I’m bringing forward this wave of delight - – just in time for Christmas. Uhmm… anyway, I long ago stopped believing in fairy tales like Santa and I NEVER believed that this guy needed both hands to cover his junk. Read more…
An excerpt from my memoir–Several Drinks Later: The Gary Randall Scandal.
I always said I would save my virginity for someone I really loved. It was important to me that no matter how my morals/decisions changed or evolved I would have enough respect for myself to wait to let someone truly special inside me for the first time.
But love is not always honest. Sometimes it tricks you into thinking you feel a certain way, and it’s only after lots of time and tears that you realize how you deluded yourself. Read more…
Many years later I would look at my own dark brown well groomed silky smooth pubes and wonder: “Was I adopted?”
Naked families; a diatribe by Gary. More after the jump. Read more…