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Posts tagged ‘champagne’


It’s Time To Stop Being A Frigid Bitch

March 9, 2011

I know I could be jinxing myself by saying this but I feel like the intense cold of this New York Winter, which stifled me harder thanĀ  Wendy William’s industrial Spanx is coming to an end.

So what does this mean?

1. I can stop wearing an entire thermal underwear set under my skinny jeans and xxs t shirts–sometimes when I was drunk and sitting down I found it very challenging to stand up in all those layers. NO MORE SWEATY BALLS!

Just kidding. I will always have sweaty balls.

2. I can have sex in public again. This is probably the worst thing about winter–sure its fun to go skiing and all but wouldn’t it be more fun to sneak into the woods and do sexuals? Not so much when both of your dicks look like gerkins.

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Today’s Craption: Just a Little Photo of Me and Gwyneth Paltrow

February 10, 2011



“I held Marjorie’s glass of Boone’s Farm strawberry champagne while she took the photo. It was a beautiful day at the half-melted candle factory and I was looking snazzy in the red metallic xs blouse I bought at The Matrix boutique. I know what you are thinking, and yes. Gwyneth’s skin is just as youthful as it looks here. And yes. We fucked.”

-Antonella Cooterpooch III