Posts tagged ‘central park’
It hit 104 degrees in Central Park today. REALLY mother-gawd-damn-nature, why do you hate us so much?! Those poor gays marrying this weekend are going to melt in their polyester. Think of all the make-up retakes that are gonna be necessary… it’s a true tragedy. Read more…
I couldn’t help but stop and smell the tulips today. Actually, I could because I don’t like tulips based solely on their name. Pronounced two-lips. It sends shudders right up my brittle homo scrotum. Pronounced Homotum. (Yes, we do have different anatomies than straight people. Its how we manage to drink more, eat less, exercise like a pair of black lesbian twin pro tennis players, and still have so much sex. We are basically magical beings and our secret power is to decorate interiors .
But I digress. Spring is finally steadily approaching and this means what for the gays?
Central Park (or any park for that matter) will again become our stomping ground.
1. The cherry blossoms are blooming. Since pink is every The Gay’s favorite color, its like our creator Satan is showering the world with little sprinklets of homo fairy love. The flowering trees come in two colors: Blush and Bashful and one sniff of them will send any towering lesbian into a diabetic coma.
Even the Sveltest of the svelte go through dry spells. A dry spell is when your vargina/asshole becomes so stale from disuse that when you finally do get laid bats fly out of your orifice and frighten your interstate trick into premature ejaculation. Has it been a while for you? Don’t fret. Follow this advice:
1. Go to a bathhouse. Most bathhouses have some kind of color coding system where if you are wearing a red towel you are DTF and if you are wearing a white towel you are just looking. Basically red towel=honest, white towel=lying to himself/tiny dick. I say just take your clothes off and do the Helicocktor to everyone you see. One of them will eventually be mesmerized by your undulating member and follow you to one of the “recreation rooms.” If you need advice on the Helicocktor, send me an email. I am an expert.
But is it really?
Summer, the season of nudity and outdoor sex follows spring pretty closely. Anyone who has ever been in a long term relationship knows that your gym visits become less frequent, you use it as an excuse to eat that extra donut or romantically share a creme brulee and before you know it you are so fat that instead of having sex you just grease each other up with butter and roll around on a plastic covered couch.
Is there a correlation between lengths of relationships and pounds on a scale? Read more…