Posts tagged ‘carrot top’
No More Red-Headed Sperm!
We all know that male redheads are Satan’s children and are just plain ugly; yeah I said it, but you all were thinking it. However, what I have always known to be true has now been confirmed by Cryos, the world’s largest sperm bank.
The bank has started turning away redheads because nobody wants their freaky fire-crotch sperm all up inside of them (it probably burns anyway). And, if you think that I am being a bit harsh on our red-headed friends then I implore you to follow these two steps: Go to your computer, open your favorite browser and do a Google image search for Carrot Top. If you don’t scream in horror from what you see then I stand corrected.
So next time you see someone that resembles the fire-power Mario from the original Super Mario Brothers game walking towards you, it might be just another red-headed sperm-bank reject. Sorry reds, it’s just the truth and everybody knows it except Gary (see Obesity Schmobesity. The Last Socially Acceptable Form of Discrimination is) but I secretly suspect he is hiding some ginger pubes under those leggings anyway.
And that’s how Jew sees it.
Reasons Why You Should Stop Being Such A Pussy
1.Everyone likes sex. Everyone wants it as much as possible. So stop pretending like you are a virgin or you have never woken up bent over in a ditch erotically asphyxiated with a thighmaster. If everyone just admitted to themselves that they sometimes like to get down and dirty it would make it a lot easier to get laid. And if everyone was getting laid we wouldn’t have war, racism, or religion. Perfect world, right?
2. Everyone makes mistakes. So when you do–take for instance that mahogany colored rats nest mullet hanging from my ears to the left OWN IT. Pretending you are perfect is a surefire way to not only look like a fucking tool, but to have a completely ordinary boring life where you are so afraid of what everyone is thinking that you don’t do shit. Mistakes give us color. Just look at Bristol Palin. Im pretty sure her middle name on her birth certificate is Mistake. True story. Its hanging in the parlor of their igloo.
3. Everyone feels ugly. So 1. stop pretending that you never feel that way because you were only in Seventeen once and you looked fat so stop pretending like you are goddamn Christy Turlington. 2. Stop bitching about how ugly you are and how everyone has a better life than you. Every person has a different set of standards about beauty–mine clearly involve teal tiaras and sunglasses from TJ Maxx. Yup. Im a Maxinista. Bring it. So if you don’t feel pretty either deal with it or do something about it. Use Carrot Top as your inspiration.
Pretty Bitches VS Ugly Hoes
Please refer to the picture of Susan Boyle on the left. I asked someone the other day what percentage of people they thought were attractive. They said 5% or less. Its funny–because generally when I am walking around in public I am always playing WWYF (who would you fuck) in my head. I see plenty of attractive guys (read: I’m easy) but then I realized that I am only noticing the attractive ones.
One of the only professors I remember from college told me once that one day I will get older and know what it is like to be invisible. I found this concept fascinating because as an egocentric I naturally think the entire world revolves around me and that everyone is looking at me when in reality nobody is. He said…. Read more…
