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Posts tagged ‘carnie wilson’

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Current Event: Glow in the Dark Cats

October 14, 2011

What happens when you combine jellyfish DNA with feline DNA? I’ll give you a hint, the answer is NOT Carnie Wilson…. the answer is glow in the dark cats! Scientists have produced a cat that is resistant to FIV (Feline Immunodeficiency Virus), in hopes that one day this will lead to finding a cure for HIV. However, the most important thing I have learned from this story is that there are glow in the dark cats out there! The possibilities are endless…

I for one would do away with those annoying tap lights; a glow-cat is much more trendy and you never need to replace its batteries. And how many times have you wanted to go to a rave, but couldn’t find your glow sticks? Now, you can just grab your glow-cat and get to steppin’.  Glow-cats are the next big thing: bigger than the Macarena, bigger than the tamagotchi, even bigger than the waistline of 80’s era Oprah. I think its time for those selfish scientists to stop hogging all of the cats and let us have some fun!

Gloganvlog Diet Tip: Stop Eating

March 11, 2011

As everyone who spent this winter holed up in their apartments hoarding harder than Liza Minelli knows, the end of cold days is upon us. So what do you do when you look down and see a jelly roll so big that it made Little Debbie  tweet Jenny Craig?

1. Get a tapeworm. While the tapeworm diet may be illegal in the united states, in other countries it comes free with a purchase of any beef product. Do you ever wonder whey so many beautiful models hail from poor countries like Russia? A tapeworm is basically god’s gastric bypass.

Read more…

Gloganvlog Hero Of The Day: Christina Aguilera’s Is Becoming Britney Spears

March 1, 2011

Christina Aguilera was recently arrested for public intoxication. If you want the full story BING it because this is not a news site. The real story here is that Christina Aguilera is about two children and one tramp stamp away from becoming Britney Spears. She has been playing this game since she was a tween, the only real differences between them being that Christina is talented and Britney is somehow more subtle regarding her sexuality.

I have no idea what it is like to be drunk in public since I am strictly a wine coolers man myself, but I imagine it went something like this:

Cop: I am being re-routed to respond to a disturbance call of an obese woman being drunk and disorderly at a Churchs Chicken.

Other Cop: Oh no–not Precious again!

Cop: No, from what I understand this woman was skinny when she walked in the door, but obese by the time she got to the counter. She also ordered her food acapella, but somehow messed up the words.

Other Cop: Janet Jackson?

Cop: Nope. I am at Churches now. I can see through the window–it looks like a mix between Carnie Wilson and Ricki Lake dipped in bleach.

Other Cop: Oh, its Christina Aguilera, fuckwad.

Cop: Is it sad that I’d still hit it?