Posts tagged ‘butterface’
First off, let me ask: Does anyone else ever find themselves saying Sarica Jessica Parker? Although she is so old her Manolo’s come with orthopedic insoles, Sarah Jessica Parker gave birth to the love child of Arsenio Hall this week at the Biscuit-Tit Ranch in Devil’s Taint, Texas. When little-known butter-face SJP sold her soul to the devil years ago in exchange for an acting career, she had no idea that the price she would have to pay was one night of sweaty passion with defunct comedian Arsenio Hall. Do you remember back when he was funny? Neither do I. Do you remember his hammer pants? I do too.
I rest my case.
If you are wondering why SJP didn’t just procreate with her husband Ferris Bueller, then you should probably Google a recent photo of Matthew Broderick. The baby (which somewhat resembles a mix between a deformed horse and Miley Cyrus) was born with 6 legs, which is perfect because SJP needed a new place to store the thousands of shoes she received in exchange for spawning an entire generation of annoyingly desperate bitchy female New York transplants.
Look, I know that Ryan Gosling is a thing right now, and everyone is talking about how they want him to smash their smussies, but have you ever stopped to wonder what the attraction is? You can only take so many swarthy, squinty eyed, lightly bearded hipster photos before you are finally revealed for the down syndrome butterface that you are. I believe that Ryan Gosling is a product of super intelligent marketing, starting with that horrible chick flick The Notebook that I couldn’t bear to sit through even though Rachel McAdams could S my D any day (figuratively of course). He’s a decent enough looking guy, but with enough hours in the gym, the right haircut, and the right public relations team he has become a sex symbol to girls and gays everywhere.
I bet in reality he smells like a fucking burnt tire factory filled with dirty diapers from Indian babies.
That being said, I’d still hit it.
Jennifer Aniston wasn’t always the glamorous butterface that she is today. She got her start back in Chickentit, Wisconsin as a local spokesmodel for JC Penney (whose desperate 2012 sales strategy is to mark down all their items by 40%. That way, you will be a little less ripped off when you pay for a sweater made out of recycled homeless cat hair). Aniston was the face of the Sassy Teen Dowagers collection, and modeled youthful fuschia pantsuits and silk bouffant blouses with all the grace and panache of someone raised on a potato farm. Check out the before and after photo if you don’t believe me, although, in my opinion she looked better before.
Mattel announced today that it was tired of being labeled as a manufacturer of unrealistic expectations for young girls everywhere and has unveiled designs for “Beer Goggles Barbie” otherwise known as “Butterface Barbie” and the “Leave quietly in the night” doll.
In the wise words of Dane Cook: “We’ve all fucked a lagoon creature or two.” I am just glad Mattel has finally embraced the fact that 95% of people in this world look like the roasted shnuggets that pop out of a dragons asshole after shabbat dinner. (all dragons are jewish).
In a world where little girls grow up wishing they had enough resolve to have eating disorders, now our children Read more…
1. A person with whom you have great sex, but are too ashamed to introduce to your friends as they resemble a lagoon creature.
ex: “I am literally renting a wheelchair for the weekend because every time I have sex with Clancy I need a spinal tap. I would introduce you to him but he’s a total moped.”
*Definition derives from the latin root of the fact that mopeds are a lot of fun but you would never want your friends to see you riding one.