Posts tagged ‘Bryce Gruber’
Historically, girls and gays have gone together like Salma Hayek and the Rosetta Stone- they can exist without each other, but alone, neither of them makes that much sense. There are many reasons for hoes to need their homos, ranging from having someone who will listen to your problems without turning your emotional vulnerability into an impromptu afternoon rape, to having someone to talk you through the first time you try anal sex (with your husband, of course. You know the old adage-why buy the cow if it doesn’t come with a bottle of lube?). I believe the main reason that girls and gays get along so swimmingly, is because there is no baggage or bullshit involved.
Many times, when gays befriend other gays, (or girls befriend straight guys) there is a sexual element that can get in the way.
When girls befriend girls, many times they get catty and competitive with each other.
Girls and gays can just be themselves with each other without worrying about penises, vaginas, or competition getting in the way.
According to the scientific lexicon that is my brain, that is the main reason for the girl + gay dynamic. Here are a few others though, that didn’t make it into this video:
NOBODY is born with natural blowjob skills. Giving a beej takes as much practice as anything else, and in some countries (Scott Disick’s man cave) these skills are as revered as those of a Japanese neurosurgeon.
Gays won’t look down on you for having a one night stand. In fact, text a bitch before your walk of shame and I bet they will join you, wearing matching sweatpants with heels, latte in hand.
Gays will be completely honest with you. Feel like you look like a truck-stop transgendered 350 lb lesbian? Want to hear the truth? Girls might be worried about hurting your feelings. Straight guys might be worried they will never get laid again. Gay guys will rip you to shreds and build you back up, much more cutesy than before. So if total honesty is what you are looking for, look no further than the homo down the street.
Read more about girls and gays on TheLuxurySpot.com
You might recognize her from such posts as: The Bryce Stink face Chronicles, or an Open Message to Patti Stanger. But Gloganvlog’s friend and partner in crime Bryce Gruber recently appeared on the Wendy Williams show to tout the latest fashion trends. Keep an eye out in the beginning when Wendy tries to gyp Bryce out of a cheek kiss. Enjoy.
Again we return to the BGSF Chronicles–wherein we dissect and explain the eloquent phrases of Ms. Bryce Gruber herself. Here is an explanation of what she meant when she said : “If you visit a tanning booth ever, please don’t talk to me.”
First off, if you visit a tanning booth ever, the following things are most likely apparent:
You are originally from Florida or New Jersey. In College you smoked Marlboro lights. In high school you drove a Jetta. You smell like coconut oil. You have a “dolphin circle” tattoo somewhere on your body. You have worn a tube top more than once. If you are a guy you have at least one photo on your Facebook of you flexing into a mirror and you most likely have those “almost pecs-and would be if there wasn’t just one little pooch of fat directly under the nipple”. If you are a girl, Read more…
I think this message pretty much speaks for itself. But in case you would like me to speak for it, we here at Gloganvlog disapprove of any woman that wears super straight shiny yaki on her head, has wrinkled sunspots gathered around her cocaine-filled eyes like training bras at a Bieber concert, and those damned jewel tone dresses. But most of all, because she made our dear friend Bryce Gruber look like an uptight bitch on TV.
If you’re like me, and I know most of you are–you jerk off every day. Its like a nightly ritual that I do even if I don’t want to. I watch straight amateur porn on my computer and keep a bottle of lube beside my bed to the left and a towel to the right. So basically masturbation is my ritual–like going to church every sunday, eating well balance meals, or serial murdering. Going on vacations always throws a wrench into things.
I am in Chicago staying in a hotel with two girls, so I can’t masturbate in bed. My best friend Bryce basically spoon rapes people in her sleep–but luckily I am in the other bed so nobody is getting pregnant. (I have enough stretch marks as it is). So the only option is Read more…
This morning I caught a flight to Chicago. I have never been to the Midwest, but entering it went rather smoothly. In the airport ( Laguardia–the linoleum encrusted shitbox of NYC) we saw a woman making out with her cat. This if after I (who stupidly forgot to put on socks) had to walk barefoot through security. I am pretty sure I have food aids now. FAIDS.
The Spirit Airlines gate agent also fancied himself a comedian–luckily we sat far enough away that we could barely make out his sarcastic Janeane (sp) Garofalo early morning satire. They charged us 40 FUCKING dollars to carry on a bag. There was no inflight service–and soda and ramen noodles were 3 dollars each. I am not joking. The bitchy brown toothed flight attendant basically waterboarded a little asian woman for wanting to bring her Bed Bath and Beyond purchases aboard. She did everything except make chink eyes and say “I no understand ching chong ching chong.” Read more…
As many of you may know, Bryce Gruber is a true friend to Gloganvlog. Why? Because she is awesome and doesn’t sweat the small shit. If you have seen her portrayal on the Millionaire Matchmaker though–you may have an entirely different viewpoint on her. Say whatever you will about her–but she has a point.
Because if you are wearing Ed Hardy then several things are clearly apparent:
You are from New Jersey. You have been called a douche bag before. Your car has a steering wheel cover, and most likely a car seat in the back. You own a beer bong that has a bumper sticker on the funnel that reads: Drink till she’s no longer your cousin, you probably had a belly button or eyebrow ring, there is most likely a tribal tattoo on your body–at the shoulder if you are a guy and at the tramp stamp no-zone if you are a lady. If you are in fact a lady, at one point you had two tone color extensions and your thong doesn’t match your bra. If you are a guy, go clean under your nails, please. Read more…
I don’t normally post these photos because the font offends me–yes, even I have limits as to what is tacky. But via my good friend Bryce Gruber I decided to post this because the guy’s name is Redneck Randal–and if that isn’t a sign then my boobs aren’t the brownest sum bitches this side of the Mason Dixon.
Here are some fair gems and true stories (rhinestones from the Caroline Manzo for QVC collection) about my hometown.
When someone accidentally dies of a crack overdose in your living room, bury them in the backyard with one hand sticking up so you can find them and rebury them when you sober up.
If you went to high school with me, make sure you get pulled over with a trunk full of weed so you can spend the rest of your life in jail.
As you may know I am at home visiting family in Panama City, Fl. One of the things guys do here is get together with a bunch of beer and go scalloping. This involves crawling around in 3 ft water with a snorkel on digging through sea weeds to find scallops. It is a lot more awesome than it sounds. Naturally I filled my scallop bag up with Bud Light to take for the incredible undersea adventure. After 5 minutes, it was like drinking flavored alcoholic bathwater–but it did the job.
My brother joined us which created an interesting ratio of two straight guys–one with a redneck accent so thick he kept saying anywho, and two gay guys–one so gay he was wearing pink watershoes. It was kind of a perfect mix. At first scalloping seemed kind of like a dirty activity. At the end I realized it was definitely a dirty activity. I facetimed my friend Bryce, who is the last person in the world I could convince to do this with me. She just smiled and said : “You are drinking beer in the car?”
More pics after the jump Read more…
Its important to take into consideration that the world is going to end on May 21st. There are certain things you need to think about: Canned goods, what you are going to wear for your debut in Hell, and the people you should cock before you go.
So WWYF(who would you fuck)?
This is my short list:
Stan Smith, from American Dad
All of the UFC fighters
All of my Ex boyfriends (for old times sake)
Dora the Explorer
And Jesus Christ himself (maybe a good blowie will get me into heaven?