Posts tagged ‘britney spears’
As we all know, X Factor only has one more week before they stop putting us through the torture of watching them figure out how to format the show, how to tape the show, how to turn on microphones at the appropriate times, how to best capture Britney Spears’ dubble-bubble chin stankface, and how to showcase Simon Cowell’s I created all this so we should worship my tiny micro-penis condescending smirk.
So the burning question on everyone’s minds (and in everyone’s vaginal canals) is obviously WWKKDN: “What will Khloe Kardashian do next?” Her momager Kris Jenner had a few great gigs lined up, including, but not limited to: A walk on part as a yeti in the upcoming Monsters Inc. 3D redux, a super exciting 3-year contract job playing a California redwood in the next Planet Earth for Discovery Channel miniseries, and a unique opportunity to work as a security guard for the new Freedom Tower in lower Manhattan. Her responsibilities would consist of holding the tower up, should it be struck with any random flying objects, like airplanes, or big black basketball dicks.
Khloe passed on all of these projects however, deciding she would rather play Goro in the New Mortal Kombat movie. Why did she make this interesting decision you ask? Because she believes it will lead her one step closer to finding her birth parents, who are obviously four-armed nine-foot tall tranny beast creatures from some far-away land called outworld where the letter “C” doesn’t exist. If you don’t believe me, take a look at the evidence, referenced below.
Total twinsies, am I right?
Sidebar: The Shell earrings are clearly from a t-shirt store that sells Welcome to Florida magnets, and the necklace is obviously Mary Kate for Texaco Couture. Did Britney Spears spend all her money on Natty Light and Nappy weave?
Do you remember Britney Spears’s song Overprotected back in the day when she was still heavily controlled by her managers (before she became heavily controlled by substances)? If you haven’t, basically the song is about how sheltered she was in her youth. Then, do you remember when she shaved her head and went all Mary Poppins on some paparazzi? That is either proof that her managers had the right idea, or proof that you shouldn’t shelter a teen popstar, because as soon as they have a little freedom they will go ape-shit.
My theory is that Britney Spears stopped giving a shit a long time ago. Think about it- she walks out of the house wearing the ultimate fashion travesty-denim cutoff shorts and Uggs. She never spends more than $35 on weave. She doesn’t diet or eat right. She gives concerts so lackadaisical that Michael J. Fox has more rhythm. On X Factor, (which I absolutely love btw) she obviously has a stylist, but even with a professional trying to get her together she still looks like a Lousiana ex pageant queen that let herself go, and now sits on her Lazy Boy watching reruns of Toddlers & Tiaras while eating frosting with her fingers. Britney Spears became a millionaire when she was a teenager. She doesn’t give a fuck anymore, and has reverted back to the exact same person she would have been if she had never been famous. And I respect her for that.
But since she gives so few fucks, her fans have stepped in, and defended her personally. Do you remember that little mangina Chris Crocker with his “Leave Britney Alone” diatribe? (sidebar: he is actually hot now, which is some Twilight Zone, Lost, Clockwork Orange bullshit).
I am just saying.
Fans all over the world change their last names to Spears on Facebook and collect photos of her (mostly old photos if you notice). They defend her on message boards, social media sites, and in person. My roommate recently went on a date that visibly blanched every time someone mentioned Beyonce, because he was so obsessed with Britney. People treat her like she’s the village idiot-someone who doesn’t know any better and can’t stand up for herself. Gay guys get in fights over it. Its absolutely ridiculous because she CLEARLY doesn’t care anymore, so I don’t understand why her fans do.
All this is a result of Instagram. Sometimes, when I am watching shows I like to pause the TV just to see what kind of bat-shit faces I can catch people making (yes, sometimes I am even sober when I do this). I uploaded a picture of ole Britsy yesterday and received the comment below. I am in no way posting this to call this guy out (okay, maybe I am calling him out a little, but in fairness he hashtagged that I #needalife when his name is BryanJSpears) (Also, follow me in Instagram @gary_adrian_randall) but I want to point out how ridiculous Britney fans are that they think they need to defend her like she’s some charity case.
News Flash: Britney Spears is sitting in a fucking mansion right now on top of a four wheeler, smoking a Marlboro red, drinking a beer, and watching her kids mud wrestle in her jacuzzi. She doesn’t need your pity. She doesn’t need you to protect her. All she wants is to be left the fuck alone long enough to watch a marathon of “Deadliest Catch”.
I think she has earned that.
The “no” heard round the world.
It really is Britney, bitch. I can’t believe I’m writing this. Moreover, I can’t believe I’m feeling it. But the new X Factor is a damn good show. I don’t normally like these stupid “sing your heart out” “become a national phenomenon” “get eye-fucked by Simon Cowell’s rock lizard lazy eyes so hard your ass hurts” shows, mostly because when I sing I sound like a cat being water-boarded. I think American Idol is pretentious and over-rated and The Voice should really be called “Adam Levine’s ego Versus Christina Aguilera’s fat ass”. And there is nobody that I HATE more than Howie Mandell, so much that when I saw him walking into a hotel in the Upper West Side the other day I actually thought about spitting on him. X Factor did something different though, and combined part reality show, part singing competition. You get to know the both the judges and contestants personally (including fights between both) which was genius on Simon Cowell’s part. Was I sober when I watched it? Of course not. But I didn’t switch over to Family Guy once during two consecutive episodes of X Factor. That says something. Here are several more reasons you should watch:
Britney Spears has mastered the stink face. She gives me “I just smelled a fart in a thrift-store dressing room” face so hard it gives me blue balls.
Her chest looks like the backside of a liver-spotted Florida grandmother that has a tanning bed in her living room. I finally get that Britney just truly, truly doesn’t give a shit. And its awesome. Strut those Ugg’s woman, strut those Uggs.
I love her anyway. This isn’t the skinny, sexy Britney from back in the day (sidebar, I think everyone remembers where they were when they first heard a Britney song–in that way she is just like 9/11). This is a new Britney. And she’s a total bitch (and totally lovable). My favorite quote from her (said to a contestant): “I am uncomfortable with you even staring at me right now”.
Simon Cowell flirts with, and is probably sleeping with Demi Lovato. Does thinking about his British baby-hands all over her young latina (or whatever–what kind of latina has blond and pink ombre hair?) gross me out? Yes. But somehow their flirting doesn’t disgust me.
Demi and I actually have a lot in common. For instance we are the same cup size.
They have a gay Randy Jackson that actually has clout in the music industry. His name is LA Reid and he reminds me of Read more…
When you realize you are pregnant, your first thought is “Damn, I just bought these jeans.”
Your version of baby proofing a house is turning the spare bathroom into a nursery so you can just “hose off the walls when the little fucker makes a mess).
You can’t decide whether to keep the baby, or go to Cancun for Spring Break. So you decide to do both.
You have a swastika tramp stamp.
You cut your prenatal vitamins with coke, and snort them so they will Read more…
Yes, I am aware that this song came out before half of the people that read this blog were old enough to S a D, but that isn’t the point. The point is that very few of Britney Spears’ songs make any lyrical sense. I know she doesn’t write them herself, and yet somehow they still come out sounding like her 3 (or whatever) year old Jaden Bocephus Spears-Federline wrote it in cocaine residue on the glass top of the coffee table (a keg with some plywood balanced on it) in their Middle America trailer mansion.
So here are the lyrics, deciphered :
I know I may be young, but I’ve got feelings too. (I feel like I want some cheetos, a Cheeseburger, and a Route 66 Slushie from Sonics, yall)
And I need to do what I feel like doing. (sittin on the la Z boy smoothin cream-cheese frostin in mah cellulite dimpies)
So let me go and just listen. (to the sound of mah damn kids crying. Damnit Mama’s watchin her programs!)
All you people look at me like I’m a little girl. (even though the only little thing about me now is mah weave budget)
Well did you ever think it be okay for me to step into this world. (im wearin uggs so I don’t get meth crystals stuck to mah toes)
Always saying little girl don’t step into the club. (just cause I was 13. Shooooot. I was old enough to beard for Justin Timberlake)
Well I’m just tryin’ to find out why cause dancings what I love. (and by dancin, I mean Read more…
I think that eventually if we survive the year 2012, racism will slowly cease to exist. I think this mostly because through the magic of reproduction we will all eventually be a nice shade of light brown, much like myself. While racism still exists though, we might as have a little fun with it. Here are several ways to make your baby racist:
Only let it watch Eddie Murphy movies and re-runs of In Living Color. Nothing will make it hate black people more than that.
Hire it an Asian nanny. After about 13 stroller crashes he will steer clear of Hondas for life.
Dress it up like a tree for its very first kindergarten musical called None of this would’ve happened if Adam had let Eve stick a finger in his butt and then put it outside in the yard with the ex-cage fighter Mexican gardener that you picked up outside of Home Depot. He may lose a finger, but he will learn the word Scratchback.
Drop it off at Britney Spears’ Kentwood, Lousiana silver trailer mansion for 12 minutes. I guarantee you it will never touch a Marlboro Red, Nattie Ice, or pair of second-hand Uggs.
Circumsize it (yes, even if its a female). Video tape it. Then tell it for the rest of its life that it was Read more…
First off, I don’t really know why this movie is being made since it isn’t coming out until 2014. By then, the fairy tale trend will most likely be over, not to mention the world will have ended in December from a zombie apocalypse which began in (of all places – home of Morton’s Bath Salts ) Fucking Florida.
I have to say though, that Angelina Jolie’s Sharon stone coke-cutter cheekbones are giving me fashion palpitations. Here is a list of things she could cut with her Gaga/Cutco bone structure:
She could cut a line of blow with baby laxative so potent that Mary Kate’s balls finally drop and she is revealed as the smiegel gremlin-like creature that she is. Nobody feed that fucking thing after midnight.
She could cut Gary Busey’s greasy cigarette cloud meth hair into a fashionable bob a la The Avon Lady in Edward Scissordicks.
She could cut in line at the local CVS, angering the scores of young tweens clambering to buy Justin Bieber’s new perfume, Teenage Twats.
She could cut Linsday Lohan’s life Read more…
Let’s face it. We are all lost within the moral matrix of life. Our openness to experience seems to dwell more on the sexual side than on the educational/life experiences side. I’m having a hard time understanding why so many gay men are closed minded. Are they afraid to go against the ingroup? Do they not have justification for believing in something that isn’t popular? I will sound like I’m stereotyping the population, which means I would be including every member of that population in my statements but rather I’m just including the mass majority of gay men. However, it seems that what’s popular and simple attract the majority of gay men.I’ll keep it in lamen terms.
Let’s take for example MUSIC. Our one universal language that we all can connect to on some level or another. Now why is it that the general population of gay men is attracted to the sounds of Lady Gaga or Britney Spears or Rihanna or David Guetta? Why don’t the majority of gays like heavy metal instead? Why is it that so few would ever think to download a Black Sabbath song? Is there too much testosterone in this music? Does the masculinity of the music scare gays away? It seems that a beat, crappy lyrics, mass produced songs and over-commercialized music is required to penetrate the ear drums of gay boys/men.
I’m going to go ahead and take a long shot here… Read more…
When it comes to pop stars, Madonna is basically like King Midas, except that everything she touches turns to bald, chain-smoking, fat white trash. Madonna was born with a super power, much like Katy Perry’s power to turn everything into douche, or Zooey Deschanel’s power to give guys with glasses and braces hard-ons. If you fuck with Madonna ( I am talking to you, Elton) she will come for you. She won’t do it in a traditional sense, because her days of blowing guys in bus stop bathrooms and then shanking them for $20 are long over (by about 147 years). Nowadays, Madonna comes for you mentally. She inserts herself into your head through her songs, and then drives you to revert back to your true nature. For Britney, it was becoming an extra on MTV’s Teen Mom. For Christina, it was giving in to her latina roots, and allowing her thighs to become the size of Buicks.
Now that Madonna has duped poor innocent Nicki Minaj and M.I.A. into her Gimme all your Luvin video that is airing at the superbowl, it is only a matter of time before Nicki Minaj dies in Read more…