Posts tagged ‘boyfriends’
How The Sluts Of The World Were Created
Ever had one of those girlfriends that just love the cock? They want cock all ways, any ways, every day, even if it’s gay. They walk bow-legged, rarely wear panties, and blanch every time the subject of “how many guys have you let baste your turkey” comes up. They were that girl in middle school who got a hot dog stuck in her hotbox. Ever wondered how those girls are created?
The same way you were. The only difference is that they are more fun than you. And I bet they are the first girl you call when you have a strange red bump, or a UTI that just won’t quit. So give the sluts of the world a break.
Without them, your boyfriend would try to fuck you every single day.
How To Trick Your Man Into Cleaning The House
1. Have a fun, sexy scavenger hunt. First, remove your vagina and hide it somewhere in the house. Then, create a list of tasks (all housework tasks) that he has to complete, leading him to your vagina. Then, when the house is spic and span crack open a cold one, fire up the old meth pipe, switch the channel to the Home Shopping Network and reveal the whereabouts of your vagina. Let him have his fun in the other room while you get validation from calling into HSN and commenting on how spectacular your tanzanite tennis bracelet is.
2.Hold the remote hostage. The day before the big game. What big game you ask? I don’t know, I am obviously gay. I will tell you though that I know enough from drugging straight guys into sleeping with me that they all like big games. Hide the remote somewhere ridiculously obvious. Like zipped up inside a couch cushion.
3. Fill some squirt bottles up with beer. For every squirt of windex he sprays, he gets a squirt of beer. At the end of the day you will have a clean house and a drunk, passed out boyfriend, snoring peacefully on the bathroom floor.
4. Put together a master plan. Get a few of your girlfriends together and Read more…
Reasons Why I Should Have Been Aborted
“I’d like to have an abortion, but me and my boyfriend are having trouble conceiving.”
-Sarah Silverman
Abortion is such a hot topic these days, and why wouldn’t it be? Do you know a better way that you can eat whatever you want and still lose weight? My mom chose not to abort me, and when I am drinking,cocking,or going on an adventure I am generally pretty glad she didn’t. But if she had, here is a list of things that wouldn’t have happened:
I wouldn’t have peed on a lesbians face.
The Spice Girls would still be together.
Someone’s Identity wouldn’t have gotten stolen.
A lot of people wouldn’t have seen photos of Freck’s asshole.
My brother would never have given his first blowjob.
Hilary would have won. Read more…
What If You Could Order Your Dream Guy?
Recently whilst on vacation to a fair hamlet, my hometown of Panama City, or as I like to call it the Devils Genital Wart I happened across this Hungry Howie’s sign. It got me to thinking–what if you could order your perfect guy like you could a pizza? What if you could specify exactly what you want beforehand so that you aren’t disappointed?
Then I realized you could. Can. And do.
On the fucking internet.
As I’ve said before many times I have nothing against online dating–and think that nowadays we have so many different avenues and options in regards to being exposed to a much wider selection and variety of people. That being said, I don’t really like meeting guys online. I won’t say I’ve never done it, or will never do it again. But I am wholeheartedly old fashioned when it comes to meeting guys–I want to meet them in a bar, give them a fake name and have meaningless sex.
I was raised right.
ManCandy: US Census Edition – Interracial Love
I’m not sure if you’ve heard about the rivoting facts released last week by the US Census but it seems that mixed race couples are taking over (faster than expected!). We all know that opposites attract Read more…
Spring Flings, Open Relationships & BFE
Much like Chloe, it’s recently come to my attention that I like Spring.
I’m so excited about the pending sun, in fact, that I’m doing some serious Spring cleaning… of my conscience. As a result, I’m swearing off guys for the season. Well, at least the ones with boyfriends. WTF?!
Confessions of a Teenage Tranny Cokewhore (Katy Perry)
Sometimes bad things happen to good people. And when you are the cause of that bad thing sometimes you have to swallow your pride, chase it with some oxycontin and apologize.
A long time ago I was in a relationship with someone really amazing, but also just not right for me. While dating him I met a friend of his with whom I had instant chemistry. Blah blah blah the relationship ended and I took the first chance I had to sleep with his friend. Read more…
