Posts tagged ‘barbie’
A Gay Man’s Perspective: Things I Have Learned From Barbie
People always give Barbie a bad rap because they say she creates unrealistic expectations for little girls. To the people who criticize her, I say: Why don’t you have more faith in your little girls. Its true, Barbie is skinny and beautiful with poreless skin (literally) and breasts that look like the Torpedos on a battle ship, but none of that is her fault. If your daughter wants to grow up to be thin and beautiful from a young age, you should let her. It will probably save you mounds of money in hospital bills to fix her Allegra Beck-sized eating disorder when her college boyfriend dumps her for someone whose hip bones haven’t caused his appendix to rupture.
Here are some important things that I learned from Barbie:
I can be anything I want when I grow up. I can even be multiple things in the same day just by changing my outfit. This lead me to become a pathological liar.
The perfect guy has flawless hair, a sculpted six pack, and skin-tight briefs. (I.E. the perfect man is gay). Thank you Barbie, from all the cocks I have ever sucked.
It takes all kinds of races to make up this world, but Read more…
About Fucking Time.
Mattel announced today that it was tired of being labeled as a manufacturer of unrealistic expectations for young girls everywhere and has unveiled designs for “Beer Goggles Barbie” otherwise known as “Butterface Barbie” and the “Leave quietly in the night” doll.
In the wise words of Dane Cook: “We’ve all fucked a lagoon creature or two.” I am just glad Mattel has finally embraced the fact that 95% of people in this world look like the roasted shnuggets that pop out of a dragons asshole after shabbat dinner. (all dragons are jewish).
In a world where little girls grow up wishing they had enough resolve to have eating disorders, now our children Read more…
Confession: I Am A Shopaholic
Over the last two months, I have spent close to 3k on clothing. This, my friends, is a problem. P-R-O-B-L-E-M.
Outside of getting my boyfriend a birthday present, I’ve decided to go one month – until June 27 – without stepping a foot in a clothing store. Those who really know me know this may kill me. This most likely will kill me. But, I will be venting my way through the venture, here.
In closing, I leave you with a picture of my last purchase Read more…
This Is What Happens When Your Girlfriend Finds Out About You And The Pool Boy Carlos
Dear Ken,
You lying sack of shit. I can’t believe you would do such a fucked up ass nasty thing. When I think of your faggoty ass rolling around with Carlos in the pool house and with my lemon scented garden hose! Do you know how many meals I skipped over the years because I thought if only I could be skinny enough–If only I could look like one of those Bratz dolls you “work with” I could Read more…
May I Just Ask What The Fuck? Six Reasons Why Women Are Attractive.
This is what happens when you google “Hot Topless Chick.”
Why was I googling hot topless chick you may wonder? Because I was curious. Not curious about women per se, just curious if I could find any photos that were even remotely appealing. Do you know what I found out?
This may come as a shock to many of you, but I’m really really gay. I wouldn’t say I’m flaming (like I’m not Ryan Seacrest Gay) but I will say that if I have 5 seconds to live, the last thing I want to see is a dick in my face. Still, I believe sexuality is a spectrum so I threw together this handy list of things I find attractive in a female.
