Posts tagged ‘barack obama’
I don’t know much about presidents, except that the current one has two daughters named Nala and Simba, and his wife currently made a very bad decision whilst at the synthetic wig store in downtown DC, but I do know a funny photo when I see one. This composite of President Obama and Jesus not only made me LOL so hard I contracted toxic shock syndrome, but it also got me thinking of previous presidents, and the scandals that followed them around. Not that any of them compare to Michelle Obama’s horrible fringe bangs (made even worse by the fact that Karl Lagerfeld spoke out publicly against them, and I hate to agree with that old cunt on anything). Anyway, here are 4 of the top presidential scandals in the history of the United States.
Richard Nixon was so shady that rumor has it he was born under a redwood tree, which he later chopped down and traded to the Devil in exchange for blood diamonds mined by orphaned African AIDS babies. Everyone has heard of Watergate, but not everyone knows what it is. Thank you, Wikipedia. Apparently, Nixon used stolen money to fund his re-election, and was later accused of covering up a bunch of other illegal activities, which the public discovered because there was a secret tape recording device in his office. He is the only president in US history to have resigned from his post.
Grover Cleveland had a secret kid. Before his election he had an affair with a widow, who bore him a son. He then secretly agreed to pay child support, but ended up putting the kid in an orphanage to be raised by wolves and pedophiles (Or Popes. Same thing, right?)
Ronald Reagan’s administration secretly gave money to Nicaraguan revolutionaries that they obtained by selling weapons to Iran. Reagan was basically the poor man’s butt-baby of Sadaam Hussein and Bin Laden. Unfortch, terrorism wasn’t as chic then as it it today.
Bill Clinton got a blowjob. I will never understand why this was such a scandal, since the president of the United States should be allowed to get blowies all day, every day, from whomever he chooses regardless of political affiliation. As a result, Clinton was almost impeached. If you ask me, seems like a lot of trouble for a Saturday afternoon pump and dump, but the fact that this scandal is even on the list is evidence of just how ass-backwards our country is.
Anyway, Happy President’s Day.
Any of you out there who know me, or can read this crap for that matter, know that I don’t really pay much attention to politics. I feel like arguing about politics is like arguing about religion: more pointless than the gym at Christina Aguilera’s mcmansion. Rather than discuss the actual viewpoints, policies, or haircuts of the politicians, I prefer to just make fun of the whole thing.
This time around, we have Barack Obama trying to keep his office as president of the PTA for extremely well-spoken African Americans, and Shitt Romney, trying to destroy the hopes and dreams of every minority, gay person, or poor person. I won’t lie- I have only watched a few minutes of election coverage from the treadmill at the gym, but even in those 5 minutes I saw Romney back pedal and basically make a fool of himself more than once. Here is what I know about the whole thing, gleaned from the very fringe of attentiveness and my own experience:
Mitt Romney thinks that gay Americans visiting their lovers on their deathbeds is a privilege, like playing video games all night, or having ice cream after a particularly rough night hunting innocent animals, hiding money in offshore accounts, and adopting the same slogan as the KKK: Keep American American. I find the slogan particularly laughable because first of all, America encompasses much more than the United States- including Canada, Mexico, and all the Latino countries of South America. If he means keep America white and Republican, he should probably adjust not only his slogan, but his expectations.
Barack Obama saved my mother’s house. I swear to Channing Tatum’s beer-addled dingleberries that this story is 100% true. Any of you who read regularly know that I grew up poorer than a shithouse rat. It wasn’t easy with four kids, and one parent- especially loud, obnoxious, free-thinking bastards like us, but my mother made it work. A few years after I moved away, my mom decided to complete one of her life goals and buy a house. Unfortunately, she ended up with one of those predatory mortgages that rape your face and are basically impossible to pay off. She called me randomly one day and asked me to help her write a letter to President Obama, to ask for help. I thought the idea was silly, but she needed my help with editing and if I can help it at all, I NEVER say no to my mom no matter what she requests of me. So I helped her edit and reformat a letter to Barack and Michelle thinking there was no possible way it could do any good.
But it fucking did.
I have no idea who actually received the letter, but someone from Obama’s administration was in contact with my mother (just some tiny Asian bitch living in Panama City, Florida) and was able to get her mortgage down to a reasonable amount. I know I am being uncharacteristically sappy, but I cried when I found out that it actually worked. I am not someone who puts much stock or faith in politics, but this is one example of how one president helped one random person that really, truly needed it. It also taught me not to be afraid to ask for help, even when help seems so unreasonable or far out of reach.
So say what you will and vote for whomever you choose. But I can tell you that for all the mud-slinging the Republican’s are doing, I have actual personal evidence of a President doing the right thing for the most important person in my life. Can anyone in the entire world say that about Shitt Romney?
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As you know, we try to stay away from politics as much as possible around here. This is because politics isn’t fun, although a lot of the time it can be funny (such as Mitt Romney’s recent “binder of women” comment, which made me about 150% sure he was actually shopping for Russian hookers). I don’t like talking about anything serious, but I do have a few words to say on the upcoming election, since its been shoved up my ass so far I can’t even walk on a treadmill at the gym without seeing some kind of debate.
Mitt Romney is the lovechild of Lyle Lovett and Sarah Palin. If you vote for him, you are voting for someone who obviously doesn’t really know what the fuck he is talking about. I haven’t even been monitoring his campaign that closely and I have already seen him fumble on his words, make contradictory statements, and offend 47% of the country. Right now we have someone in the White House who is finally following through with the promises he made during his campaign (After 4 years of trying to fix our shit-house economy and keep China from repossessing us). Do you remember the last time a president actually did followed through on a promise? If Mitt Romney is elected, we will end up with someone who didn’t really even make any concrete promises so far, because he has spent so much time backpedaling on the idiotic things that randomly pop out of his mouth.
Barack Obama has been good for the gays. Because of him, DADT was repealed, same sex partners have hospital visitation rights, and same sex marriage has been endorsed by the fucking president, which has never happened before. A lot of people think that we are just talking about gay people in this, but the truth is that Obama is standing up for a minority group. Gays aren’t going to win him the presidential election–we may mobilize, lobby, and add many votes to his numbers, but we are still a minority. The bigger picture is that Obama is standing up for the rights of every American, regardless of orientation.
When Obama first ran for office, I thought : Okay, cool. A black president. That’s never happened before. Now that I have seen him in action, I find myself thinking: Oh, cool. A president that follows through on his promises. That’s more rare than a fucking unicorn.
The United States are supposed to be a world leader, but when it comes to civil rights, there are a lot of countries ahead of us. Despite what anyone says, in 4 years Obama has made progress in a forward direction. Mitt Romney wants to revert back to old policies. Obama wants to move forward with new ones.
Which plan of action makes more sense for one of the most powerful countries in the world?
These eyebrow-less celebrities speak to my soul. Here is what they say:
Angelina Jolie: I waxed my face with Pine Sol, and buffed my eyebrows to nubs. Now, my forehead is more slippery than a ski-slope. No more rug-burns when I play motorboat the muff doggie-style with Cambodian lesbians.
Anna Paquin: I am going to eat your fucking soul. Because I am a Harlequin baby.
Anne Hathaway: My father was an albino man and my mother was a titmouse. They were biological twins.
Mila Kunis: I am absolutely not fucking Ashton Kutcher.
Mila Kunis: He’s fucking me. So suck it, turd-smugglers. Read more…
Michael Warner, a friend of mine and founder of G3 Bachelors recently posted this screenshot from his google + profile of a comment someone named Alana Roberts felt the need to share. Here is my response.
First off, I have to say that there is nothing wrong with an unhealthy and/or deviant sexual addiction. How the Hell do you think babies are made?
Secondly, I think that its funny that someone would suggest Obama appealing to a minority group to win an election would ever actually happen. If you want to win an election, you wither appeal to the majority, or a minority group that all the other minority groups can relate to – not a minority group that is so diverse its like the biggest United Colors of Benetton Ad ever (also known as Angelina Jolie-Pitt’s family reunion photos).
Gay rights is the hot button issue right now – there is no denying that. It is a super smart move on Obama’s part to address it right now? Of course.
He’s a fucking politician.
But is his support of a long overdue civil rights movement, which aims to dole out the same rights to every human being in the US regardless of sexual identity or gender the right thing to do? Absolutely.
We don’t care about intent. Intent doesn’t mean anything without action.
And action creates change, regardless of intent.
So yes we are gay human beings. There are Read more…