Posts tagged ‘ashton kutcher’
Are Ashton Kutcher And Mila Kunis F#cking, Or Do They Just Have The Same Hairdresser?
Lets face the facts, Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis have fucked before. Two super attractive people don’t star on an ensemble cast show together for years without dipping the wick at least once, especially with all the drug abuse that went on during that 70′s show. If you need any proof of this, examine Exhibit A.
Ashton Kutcher obviously has a type, too. If you thinned out Mila’s Nose and cut off about 60 lbs of body fat, and added about 45 years, she would be a poor man’s Demi. Mila also looks like a girl that knows how to take a dick up the ass (and by that, I mean she seems very laid back and cool. She probably wouldn’t even whimper like an asian midget porn star. She would just snicker and say “Lube is for pussies”.)
I know Ashton and Mila are currently co-stars. They are both Read more…
The Douchiest Celebrities
There is no reason to beat around the bush. Let’s jump right into it. Jared Leto may be one of the biggest douches in the entire universe. There was a point when he was in Fight Club and I was like, “Man, I guess Jared Leto isnt so bad.” Then 30 Seconds To Mars started getting more radio play and I said, “Well…this songs pretty good”. After that though, he really Letoed it up and started looking like this and making terrible music and just all around annoying me. I dont even have a solid reason. I just fucking hate him.
Demi (Needs To Eat) Moore Is Manorexic
Manorexic can mean several things. For example when a man wants to be ultra glamorous and stops dining on anything except air and pipe dreams he could be called Manorexic. This term also applies to women who starve themselves of food and subsist on crystal meth and failing marriages – so much so that they lose the shape of their bodies and start to resemble men. Demi Moore is riding the manorexic train right now all the way to beauty-town and even though I am a huge proponent of reaching your weight goals, her face is starting to look like a wrinkled thrift store silk blouse, doused in used Summers Eve douche and strung up on a clothesline to flap in the wind. If Rachel Zoe were still a dehydrated raisin in the sun, they could be twins.
I don’t know what is going on in her marriage – but honestly they should have Read more…
January Jones Gives Birth!
In bitchy celebrity news, January Jones recently gave birth to a fuzzy little creature with Ashton Kutcher’s charm, Jason Sudeikis’ humor and Matthew Vaughn’s talent. Several moments later she realized what she had actually given birth to was a collection of tampons that had lived within her for so long they became sentient and grew hair. Everyone always wondered if she had a stick up her ass. Now they know it was a collection of sticks made of cotton. But even cotton can only stand up to the negative heat waves of a demonic gine for so long. The creature had January’s soulless, angry eyes–eyes so deep that they scream: come into my lair where I will talk about how pretty I am, smoke cigarettes and drink wine spritzers. January’s baby could only take 5 minutes of her before it clawed out its own eyes with her leftover acrylics and flushed itself down the toilet.
Game Of Porcelain Thrones: First Class
Only this time, its pretty obvious who the king is. And when a problem occurs in this kingdom, you just flush it away. Sometimes there are mutants, but only when you eat lentil soup and chase it with bleu cheese. And at the end of a particularly furious battle or war you just light a match and walk away.
But seriously–Jmo and I have a weekly date to watch Game of Thrones. If you aren’t watching you are missing out on lots of doggie style sex, frontal nudity, blood and gore.
We are both equally excited about Xmen First Class coming up. Because January Jones is a gay mans wet dream–skinny, hungry, bitchy and blond. Also I am pretty sure Ashton Kutcher has put it up in her ass.
Its the American dream.
