Posts tagged ‘Apple’
Let me start by saying that I absolutely love Charlize Theron. If I could wallpaper the inside of my asshole with any actress, it would be her. Every since I saw her in Monster, blowing her sideburns out in the bathroom of a 7-11, then splash some Aqua Velva under her pits for good measure I was in love. She could act her way out of a 7 car pile-up. But have you noticed recently that she has played the same character in all her movies? I am pretty sure the Craigslist postings for all the parts she has gotten lately have started with the phrase “Searching for the perfect disgruntled bitch.” Does Charlize fit that bill? 100%. Is she capable of SO much more? 1,000%. Will I still watch her even though her intense stink face makes my pee-hole squeeze shut like it just sucked on a lemon? 100,000%.
Snow White & the Huntsman- Charlize plays Ravenna, a disgruntled man-hating bitch that is obsessed with staying young forever, even though she clearly hasn’t been plowed in years. Whats the point of living forever if your vagina is less hospitable than the Dead Sea?
Monster- Charlize plays Aileen, a disgruntled man-hating whore that kills her johns because she got raped with a flash light, night stick, or tire iron (I looked away), using rubbing alcohol as lube. In this case, I totally get it.
Yes, please boycott Oreo for their support of Gay Rights. We’ll all appreciate you going on a diet. While you’re at it, please also throw away your iPod, iPhone, and iPad since Apple supports as well. Hopefully you have lots of clothes, because you’ll need to ditch your Levi’s and Nike’s too. Perhaps you bought them at … JC Penney’s or Sears? Sucks you’ll have to take them back … or actually, anything you wear from anywhere probably had a gay involved. Flying somewhere soon? Better not be on American, Delta, Southwest, or United…you’ll need a new ticket. Airline wasn’t mentioned? Just be sure your jet isn’t Boeing made. Don’t sleep at Marriott or Hilton (or any of their family brands) because you might catch the gay they support. That morning coffee from Starbucks will have to go as well, go ahead it replace it with a McCafe…oh wait, McDonald’s supports gay rights too. Hmm, do you clean with Tide, Gain, or Bounty? Use Duracell batteries, shave with Gillette, or use Fixodent? Brush with Crest, use Pantene, Scope, Tampax, Venus, or Old Spice products? Those are all gone too, stupid Proctor & Gamble supporting the gays. Damn, you’re using Internet Explorer or Crome to see Facebook and read this status? Download something else, Microsoft and Google show their Pride as well. Ah, but your drinks are safe. Coca-Cola, Pepsi, and Budweiser are on your side … if your side is on the right side of history since all three also support Gay Rights. Hopefully, you or your lawyer will never need in-depth research. Both LexisNexis and Westlaw, who together control the market, support Gay Rights. Drive that big, manly, Ford F350? It’s a “Friend of Dorothy” too, as it’s company Ford and General Motors also support the rights of all. So, do us all a favor, don’t take it all out on a festive cookie … just stay home and boycott everything.
Like some 1,874,872,897 other people, I have Tmobile as my cell phone provider. I looked those stats up on the internet (No I didn’t). I have Tmobile because I love them. I think they are a friendly, no nonsense, cheap, good customer service, type of company. I’ve been with them for probably 6 years and I have had no plans to ever leave. They just work for me. The problem with my dedication to this company is that it directly combats my allegiance to another company. Apple. I know, I know, another hipster lesbian who likes to write smarmy blogs, and is obsessed with Apple products. Yuck it up, fuckers.
1.) Starbucks – This should be a no brainer. As we all know gay guys like uppers and being that Starbucks is like legal crack we show up by the thousands. If you can’t get laid in a Starbucks bathroom you are either too ugly or too fat.
2.) The Apple Store – Gay guys don’t often have children so they like to spend their money on overpriced trendy computers. The Apple Store is a great place to get iFucked.
3.) Whole Foods (or any organic supermarket): In our minds organic = healthy. Even if it is an organic chocolate dipped Oreo it’s organic so it has no calories. Go ahead and pick up a 100% natural beefcake on your way out.
4.) Barnes & Noble: I actually don’t know what other reason there is to go to Barnes & Nobles except to pick up a man. The store kind of smells funny too, probably because of all the semen left over from the mid-aisle hook-ups that got crusted into the pages of Moby Dick-Me.
5.) American Apparel: This store might as well just change its name to The Gay Store. With their line of “Legalize Gay” shirts, booty shorts, and over-sized muscle daddy tanks the gays flock to this store like they’re giving away free ecstasy.
Click here to watch a video about toys that turned you gay(er).
Steve jobs inspired so many people to think outside of the box – he was the man behind, the first Macintosh computer, the iMac, iTunes, and the iPhone. The iPhone was the first phone to truly put the internet in the palm of your hand. This is the device that allows our readers to view Gloganvlog wherever they are, and for that we salute you Mr. Jobs, thank you for all that you gave us. You will be missed.
With Steve Jobs leaving, Apple has appointed me to find a suitable replacement. Tim Cook is merely a decoy, and the real search for Apple’s new CEO has begun. And let me say this, I take this job as seriously as Lindsey Lohan takes her acting career. Without further adieu I introduce to you, the top five candidates……