Posts tagged ‘anorexia’
It was always little Dwayne Johnson The Rock’s dream to dress up as Cher, ever since he saw her first farewell tour in 1943. Wait- maybe that was Celine Dion (Sometimes I get my horse breeds mixed up). No, I am pretty sure it was Cher. Regardless, unlike Chad Michaels, he didn’t do a good job as he looks like a case of Porterhouse steaks stuffed into a garbage bag. Don’t make the same mistakes that he did. If you are going to dress up as Cher, please don’t forget the following things:
Stroke face: Stroke face is best achieved by eating unhealthily for up to 40 years straight, or injecting botox into one half of your face. It is vital that half your face remains numb so that when you do a singing impersonation, half the room is in awe, and the other half doesn’t realize anything happened. Cher developed this technique to build her gay following because she started performing during the Holocaust, where Gays and Straights had to sit on separate sides of the room.
Starvation Diet: It doesn’t matter how old Cher gets, she will never have a cooter pooch. If you want to look like her, cut all nutrients from your diet. When you get to the point where you look like an upside-down mop that was dipped in tar, eat less.
Lesbian Daughter: If you really want to pull of being Cher, you will need a lesbian and/or transgender daughter. My suggestion is to start with a lesbian and then encourage her to become an FTM tranny. This is a lot easier than it looks since most lesbians were ousted from their villages for wearing polos with board shorts, and Read more…
I don’t know why so many young kids aspire to be a model. My thought is that it will provide some sort of validation that: Yes, they are attractive, and either grew out of their ugly duckling childhood where people threw feces at their brown teeth, or yes, they managed to be well accepted and popular through high school without peaking too soon and can now go on to fame, fortune, and anorexia. I was recently hanging out with some straight people (gasp) talking about a friend who was a model/bartender/reads to the fucking blind. They always lead with model though, as if that is the most impressive. Here is why it is not:
Models make money based on how they look. I have woken up on more than one occasion with a zit so big it wanted to run for public office. There was been many more than one occasion where I wanted to eat myself out of house and homo. Models can’t run around being lazy/eating what they want and are at the mercy of their faces. This lifestyle sounds more like a prison.
Modeling is boring. I know, I know. Technically I am not a model, even though my bathroom mirror begs to differ. Basically, if you aren’t a high-paid model a lot of your job is going to be about standing around waiting for someone to take your picture for enough money to keep you from living in one of those Craigslist Apartments where you have to do “light cleaning semi nude”.
The fashion industry is full of assholes. There is no other industry where you experience more Read more…
People always give Barbie a bad rap because they say she creates unrealistic expectations for little girls. To the people who criticize her, I say: Why don’t you have more faith in your little girls. Its true, Barbie is skinny and beautiful with poreless skin (literally) and breasts that look like the Torpedos on a battle ship, but none of that is her fault. If your daughter wants to grow up to be thin and beautiful from a young age, you should let her. It will probably save you mounds of money in hospital bills to fix her Allegra Beck-sized eating disorder when her college boyfriend dumps her for someone whose hip bones haven’t caused his appendix to rupture.
Here are some important things that I learned from Barbie:
I can be anything I want when I grow up. I can even be multiple things in the same day just by changing my outfit. This lead me to become a pathological liar.
The perfect guy has flawless hair, a sculpted six pack, and skin-tight briefs. (I.E. the perfect man is gay). Thank you Barbie, from all the cocks I have ever sucked.
It takes all kinds of races to make up this world, but Read more…
I don’t hate to say I told you so, so I am going to say it. I told you so. Demi Moore took her skinny, cougar ass to the extremes of beauty, and now she is paying the ultimate price. The world is talking about her again. Ever since her split from Ashton Kutcher, Demi has been on a downward spiral that has landed her in the laps of many a teenage boy. Rumer, (or as we like to call her around here; Butterface Lagrande) decided to commemorate her mother’s habits by getting a tattoo of her. Tattoos, unlike fame are permanent, and since Butterface Lagrande inherited Bruce Willis’ face she saw the necessity in making her body as beautiful as possible. What better way, than to get a tattoo of the ultimate Crypt Keepin Cougar?
It has long since been a goal of Gloganvlog, and also a rule of feminism that you should always try and be the skinniest girl in every photo. If you are already the skinniest, then make it a point to always pose in the middle. That way you will look like a poorly equipped ham sandwich and everyone will comment on how skinny you are, even if you weight 240 lbs (as long as you are posing between two rhinoceri). But we here at Gloganvlog have a new weight loss goal.
We want to be so skinny that you can’t tell our front from our back. We want people to be so confused by us that they can’t ascertain a single detail regarding anything about us except Read more…
It isn’t your fault that you are fat as a kid. It is your parents fault for not providing healthy options for you, or maybe being so annoyed with your constant requests for attention that they plunk you down in front of a video game system instead of locking you out of the house like my mom did. (of course this resulted in us getting lost in the woods, playing in sewers, catching tadpoles and crawfishes and ditches and doing pagan rituals on dirt roads, but at least we built up strong immunities to various antigens and supernatural forces.)
Generally around middle school we become more conscious of what we look like and decide to starve ourselves by saving up our lunch money to buy some overpriced name brand bullshit clothing. (When you get older you realize that what you wear doesn’t matter because it just ends up on someones floor at the end of the night)
We are all raised with certain patterns and behaviors as children but there comes a certain time in our lives where we have to take responsibility for how we have turned out and make some decisions about who we are going to be in the future. There are situations in your childhood that you cannot do anything about. There are also situations that we create for ourselves. Both have the potential to effect the rest of our lives.
As everyone who spent this winter holed up in their apartments hoarding harder than Liza Minelli knows, the end of cold days is upon us. So what do you do when you look down and see a jelly roll so big that it made Little Debbie tweet Jenny Craig?
1. Get a tapeworm. While the tapeworm diet may be illegal in the united states, in other countries it comes free with a purchase of any beef product. Do you ever wonder whey so many beautiful models hail from poor countries like Russia? A tapeworm is basically god’s gastric bypass.