Posts tagged ‘angelina jolie’
These eyebrow-less celebrities speak to my soul. Here is what they say:
Angelina Jolie: I waxed my face with Pine Sol, and buffed my eyebrows to nubs. Now, my forehead is more slippery than a ski-slope. No more rug-burns when I play motorboat the muff doggie-style with Cambodian lesbians.
Anna Paquin: I am going to eat your fucking soul. Because I am a Harlequin baby.
Anne Hathaway: My father was an albino man and my mother was a titmouse. They were biological twins.
Mila Kunis: I am absolutely not fucking Ashton Kutcher.
Mila Kunis: He’s fucking me. So suck it, turd-smugglers. Read more…
First off, I don’t really know why this movie is being made since it isn’t coming out until 2014. By then, the fairy tale trend will most likely be over, not to mention the world will have ended in December from a zombie apocalypse which began in (of all places – home of Morton’s Bath Salts ) Fucking Florida.
I have to say though, that Angelina Jolie’s Sharon stone coke-cutter cheekbones are giving me fashion palpitations. Here is a list of things she could cut with her Gaga/Cutco bone structure:
She could cut a line of blow with baby laxative so potent that Mary Kate’s balls finally drop and she is revealed as the smiegel gremlin-like creature that she is. Nobody feed that fucking thing after midnight.
She could cut Gary Busey’s greasy cigarette cloud meth hair into a fashionable bob a la The Avon Lady in Edward Scissordicks.
She could cut in line at the local CVS, angering the scores of young tweens clambering to buy Justin Bieber’s new perfume, Teenage Twats.
She could cut Linsday Lohan’s life Read more…
Finally Jennifer Aniston had a great day last week. A new star is placed on the Walk Of Fame in her honor so that kids can spit gum out and hookers can smear their gonorrhea all over her engraved name for eternity. Even her boyfriend, Justin Theroux, showed up to her ceremony to show the world that after 9 months it is possible to put up with Jenn Ann and her shit. But where is that ex-asshole Brad? Angelina showed up and made her congratulatory point, no words needed.
Bitch stole yo man.
I am not a virgin. While that may surprise some of you (Helen Keller I am looking at you, even though you can’t see that I’m looking at you) I do know one person over the age of 18 that is a virgin. In talking to him recently I’ve started thinking about what it means to be a virgin.
It means that your asshole is a beautiful flower that has never been pollinated. And just so you know it is going to hurt like a BITCH the first time you let a Bee (or D for that matter) near it.
DILF stands for Dad I’d Like to Fuck and it refers to a specific set of attractive men that have placed their genitals into a womans varginia and then waited 9 months for a baby to pop out.
Here are several reasons why my ideal man comes with baggage: Read more…