Posts tagged ‘aladdin’
There’s really not much else I can add to this except that Aladdin is lucky he didn’t live somewhere cold. And also that Jasmine wasn’t an uptight English broad that couldn’t lace her corset tight enough to fit two on that huge wooden door. I’m not saying I have it all figured out, but I am saying that if I were on the Titanic I would have been resourceful enough to survive. And if I were on Aladdin, I would have seen past Jafar’s nefarious plots before he even had time to pluck those severe anorexic chola eyebrows and I would have shoved that rose-gold snake staff up Iago’s sweet, feathered ass.
Never trust a cartoon character that is played by Gilbert Gottfried. That’s like the first thing you learn as a child of the 80′s.
It bewilders me why gold is worth so much because it just about the most hideous color for jewelry. It looks like reformed American cheese that has been hardened and polished and has perched upon your finger like a golden booger from Kay herself. In the days where we have so many other beautiful jewelry options like: White Gold, Platinum, Precious stones, and ring pops there is no need to adorn yourself with such hideousness.
There are a few exceptions to the no gold rule, you may wear gold if: you are black, your are are dark skinned Latino, work at a fast food joint (then only big gold earnings are permitted) or if you live in a 3rd world country where your nation has not yet learned how to mine any other mineral – but let’s be honest you wouldn’t be able to afford it anyway unless you are the Sultan or have a genie like Aladdin.
Speaking of the genie – his lamp looked great in gold.
We all watched the old school Disney movies when we were young (remember back when they were actually good?), and we all related on at least one or two levels to one of the princesses. You know, in your heart of hearts which Disney princess you are, and I think its high time you understood that, granted yourself the serenity to accept the things you cannot change, and started acting like the bitch you always wanted to be.
If you need help, refer to this handy guide:
Snow White: No offense, but you are a whore. People probably always try and hurt you with silly things like poison fruit, but shacking up with 7 men to protect you probably isn’t the best thing for your reputation. It is written in the bible that if a man provides shelter for a women she owes him at least 2-3 anal penetrations per week. My suggestion: take a self-defense class, buy a tazer, and the next time someone tries to shove fruit down your throat electrocute their asses until they pee out of their mouth. That is, unless it’s a cute guy and the fruit is a banana.
Belle: You like hairy men—I get it. But frankly saying that you want more than a provincial life and then moving a few towns over to a dank old castle isn’t really helping the problem. Your issue is that you don’t know what you really want. My suggestion is to pack up your friends (teacup,candlestick, clock) and go on a Crossroads style adventure around the country a la Britney Spears. You are only young once, and trust me- no matter how old you get you will still be able to bag a big hairy bear daddy. So have fun while you are still young.
Ariel: You need to raise your standards. All a guy has to have to get up in your conch shell is a pair of feet? Maybe its because you were born under the ocean where there just isn’t much competition (and that’s a scientific fact because if there were a bunch of mer-people out there we would have discovered them by now) but the world is full of Read more…
Obviously I am pretty into cartoons today–its one of the things I do to cure a hang over. The other things are masturbate, cry, take a vicodin, drink more, or take a bath. Today I have only done two of those things.
So I decided to make a short list of the cartoon characters I would allow to explore my lincoln tunnel, or vice versa. They are in no particular order.
Captain Hero: Drawn Together is one of my favorite cartoons and Captain Hero is the hottest character. I love his baby tyrannosaur snooki arms, and the fact that he has sex with both dead female prostitutes and men. It’s like we are twinsies.