Posts tagged ‘africa’
They may say that diet and exercise are the only good ways to get fit for the summer season, but what the fuck do they know? I personally don’t trust people with a high metabolism, mostly because I am one of them and I know how we always lie about how we diet and exercise so much, when in reality genetics has a lot to do with it. I ate gummy bears for dinner last night. I am just saying. Genetics is also the reason for lazy people, so for all the couch potatoes out there I put together a little list of diet tricks and cheats.
Shave abs into your stomach. From far away they will look pretty damn good if you are trying to impress the pretty jewish girl across the pool. From up close though, and from the side you may run into problems. If you go with this approach, always approach people head on. It may also be a problem if someone touches you, but chances are if you are actually hairy enough to pull this off that many people aren’t touching you- for fear of losing a finger to your vicious man-scaping forest.
Tan. The kids on the Jersey Shore don’t just tan to cover up and burn away the Herpes sores. It has been proven by socialites and reality stars a like that the darker you are, the thinner you look. Why do you think the people of Africa look so fabulously thin? You don’t have to pay for a membership either – just slather yourself in butter (you know there is some in your fridge) and head out in the sun.
Use poor-man’s shape-wear. Otherwise known as Saran Wrap, poor man’s shape-wear can be acquired at any local bodega or grocery store. It is perfect for disguising a fupa under a one-piece swimsuit or creating a sassy silhouette underneath a smart pant-suit. Not to mention you can just shove a sandwich under for when you get hungry later.
Wear a Mumu at all times. Skinny bitches like Mary Kate and Nicole Ritchie do it to cover their anorexia and bulimia, why shouldn’t big girls do it too?
Breast implants. Its true that the bigger your breasts are the smaller the rest of you looks, but who has time to book appointments, research doctors, and take time off for work at the call center? The easiest way to enlarge your bosoms is to go on Craigslist and find a back alley doctor that has afternoons free. They will try and inject you with industrial grade tire filler, but you can opt to ask for whip cream instead. Since you ingest whip cream it must be safe for your body, and perfect for those tear-filled ice cream sundae Sundays where you torture your girlfriends by ruminating over another failed relationship.
As gay men, I feel we are entitled to take our hair to extremes – but there is one haircut that goes too far, further than any other haircut has gone before. It transcends gay, and reaches to the highest rainbows in the sky. This particular cut is what happens when a pompadour and a hipster have a baby – I dub thee The Pompster!
I first spotted this horrendous hair while waiting for the C train several months ago, I thought perhaps that the subway rats had mutated, grown wings and perched upon some lowly Brooklynite’s head. After several more City sightings I noticed that the A-List’s Derek Saathoff now is also sporting the Pompster. I imagine he could of been deworming Somalian children in the jungles of Africa and had the hair on the side of his head hacked off by an evil machete toting mercenary; or perhaps he just got a haircut in Chelsea.
You have been warned, unless you want people to mistake you more a tan hairless unicorn stay away from the Pompster.
They say leopards never change their spots–but how do they know this? Has anyone ever actually gone to Africa or Asia (or whichever heathen continent houses Leopards) and catalogued all of their spots? Doubtful. So take that and shove it right up your lagging magazine sales, National Geographic!
I went on a date last night. And unlike most of my dates it went really really well. The difference here is that
1. This guy actually asked ME out–which is weird since I am normally the guy that always has to make the first move. Something about how shy and reserved I am intimidates people, I think.
2. I have gone out with this guy before. When I first moved here we went for drinks at Olive Garden in Chelsea–yes I am aware that many gays might think “My stars and garters that sounds awful” But I remember thinking “Unlimited Soup and Salad–that sounds awesome.” So fuck off. Read more…
1. You know he is going to heaven. And since you are going to Hell, you will never have to see him again. Priests strike me as really clingy.
2. They have good fashion sense–because as everyone knows wearing all black never goes out of style.
3. They probably have a lot of pent up aggression from never masturbating. They have to release all that angst eventually. Having sex is more healthy than shooting people in a courtyard or going to Africa on a mission. (read: Malaria) Read more…
“Eunice Gutierrez snapped her teeth in and securely fastened on her new wig. She had just purchased it using her social security debit card from Isaac Mizraahi for HSN. The synthetic fox-fur in scorched chestnut reminded her of her days as a headliner on a showboat in the congo called The Queen’s Deuce. Those were fast days and girls like Eunice didn’t last long in Africa because as you know, once you go black you need a wheelchair. Wheelchairs hadn’t been invented yet so most dried up hoes just done got dumped overboard. To this day at 105 years old, Eunice Gutierrez still walks bowlegged and the case of Jungle Fever that almost took her life has never gone away.
Here is her peronals ad:
WMF seeks BHJ for ANF including DP, GS, and SWWM. TDT need not apply.
Eunice, you saucy bitch. Thats too dirty to post here. It is deciphered after the jump. Read more…
It boggles my fucking mind every time a girl hits on me. I think its because I have identified as gay for so long and become so okay with it that I just imagine it is stamped on my forehead. You know those phermones guys give off to attract women? Mine smell like White Diamonds by Elizabeth Taylor. And they have always brought me luck.
But a few moments ago in the street I was accosted and hit on in the street by some teenage girls from New Jersey (I am assuming since they were wearing pearls with black shorts and furry boots). Here are the steps that made this strange phenomenon occur:
1. Don’t shave your face. I look like a Mexican Refugee right now but apparently in the straight arena that is acceptable?
2. Don’t do your hair. I hid my weave under a ski-cap whilst running so my earbuds wouldn’t fall out because one of my ears is oddly shaped. See Africa? Some people have real problems. Read more…