Posts tagged ‘advice’
A Gay Man’s Perspective: Things I Have Learned From Barbie
People always give Barbie a bad rap because they say she creates unrealistic expectations for little girls. To the people who criticize her, I say: Why don’t you have more faith in your little girls. Its true, Barbie is skinny and beautiful with poreless skin (literally) and breasts that look like the Torpedos on a battle ship, but none of that is her fault. If your daughter wants to grow up to be thin and beautiful from a young age, you should let her. It will probably save you mounds of money in hospital bills to fix her Allegra Beck-sized eating disorder when her college boyfriend dumps her for someone whose hip bones haven’t caused his appendix to rupture.
Here are some important things that I learned from Barbie:
I can be anything I want when I grow up. I can even be multiple things in the same day just by changing my outfit. This lead me to become a pathological liar.
The perfect guy has flawless hair, a sculpted six pack, and skin-tight briefs. (I.E. the perfect man is gay). Thank you Barbie, from all the cocks I have ever sucked.
It takes all kinds of races to make up this world, but Read more…
Reasons Why It Is Awesome To Be Single On Valentines Day
1. It is the one day of the year where every single person is as desperate to get laid as you are. All you have to do is go to CVS and buy a small box of chocolate hearts. You can even eat a few of them if you wish. Then, take them to the bar and start chatting up one of the other people that is desperately searching the room with their Renee Zellweger shifty eyes, searching for prospects even though their friend is trying to unload about their recent breakup (it always happens). Go up to them and show them the box and say something like “I was looking for someone to help me eat these” or “I bet your box is as expensive as this one was”.
To give the night the extra punch it deserves inject a few of the candies with Nyquil – just make sure that by the time it kicks in you are near your apartment, or have hired a Mexican from outside of Home Depot to help you carry her home.
2. There is no pressure to come up with someone extravagant. While single people just want to get cocked on Valentines day, people in relationships have the pressure of trying to plan some big grandiose night, the stress of which will probably give them a Herpes outbreak effectively ruining the night anyway. If you are single, all you have to do is Read more…
Some Random Advice About Love
[ via TheLuxurySpot ]
We have all been in love and we all know that sometimes, (most times) it really can be a bitch. Falling in love is inexplicably one of the most life-changing things that can happen to us and if you never have, I strongly suggest you give it a try. Having put myself through the ringer a few times, I thought it would be a good thing to just mention a few of the random things I have learned from love:
1. You know you are really in love the day you come home unexpectedly and find your lover suffering miserably in the bathroom with the door open, screaming bloody murder and crying through the pain from the Indian food you ate the night before, and you nonchalantly get them a magazine. Then you leave the door open in case they need anything.
2. You can only really be in love with someone who loves you back. In all other instances you are just a stalker.
3. People aren’t things. That is why in the classifications of nouns, there are people, places, and things. These categories do not overlap, no matter how bat-shit you are. So the day you decide that you own someone is the day you slowly and painfully start to push them the Hell away until one day you find them trolling Craigslist for random hookups and Read more…
7th Grade Sucked For All Of Us: Here Is Why
Everything was more magnified in 7th grade, from our desperate need to fit in ( in my case I wore a Tommy Hilfiger shirt almost every day. It said Tommy in huge letters across the bottom, had a whole in the elbow, and I got it at a thrift store but I was just that desperate to own something name brand. Yes, you heard right. I said Tommy Hilfiger) to the insane haircuts our parents gave us.
The redheaded mullets didn’t help. Not to mention pretty much everyone is still a little pudgy in 7th grade so half the kids look like half risen flan.
Everyone is obsessed with something brand spanking new every day. When I was in 7th grade it was pogs (what a stupid fucking game) but nowadays it is probably iphones or military grade artillery. If you are a poor kid, or a kid whose parents are cool enough to see how retarded these needs are, you are shit out of luck.
Some people have reached puberty. Some haven’t. If you have, then everyone assumes you are probably already having sex – girl or boy. If you haven’t then everyone assumes you are a gay virgin. Which you probably are.
Things seem way more important than they really are. In 7th grade you think Read more…
Prevention Techniques: Your Child’s Journey To Becoming A Serial Killer
Here is the thing: I don’t think it is possible for me to have children. I have tried on many occasions, and I just feel like my ovaries shriveled up long ago and resemble Christopher Walken’s jowly ballsack. Not being a parent leaves me uniquely qualified to talk about children from an outside perspective though–and I feel like mothers need to hear some of this shit.
1. Some kids are loud and want a lot of attention. They may cry a lot and demand what they want, when they want it. Other kids are quiet and subdued and happy playing with their own poo in solitude. A kid is a fucking kid, is a fucking kid. Stop over-analyzing what this means about your kids personality and what they may or may not grow up to be and just love them for what they are. I was always the quiet one in the family. I didn’t talk until I was 3 years old. Now it is basically impossible to get me to shut my mouth (though a few guys have found some effective ways over the years).
2. Yell at your kid, or don’t. Spank them, or don’t. But stop giving people those fucking stink face looks on the street just because your baby happens to be sleeping for 5 seconds and someone else’s is screaming. Babies are yelling, screaming poop machines–and since you know what it is like to be a parent you are the last person who should be judging someone else regarding their parenting abilities. If you were lucky enough to have a child that sleeps through the night and never cries CONGRATU-FUCKING-LATIONS Read more…
What If You Literally Sweat Small Shit?
What if little turd nuggets actually came out of your pores when you got flustered or flummoxed? Absurd you say?
Sweating the small shit is pointless in both the literal and figurative sense. So I have a little pearl of wisdom for you. Don’t do it.
I know, sometimes life seems like a big bag of shit–and when it rains it pours. Pours like whiskey and wine down Melissa Etheridge’s flannel shirt. But when things get really bad–ask yourself this: What is the worst that can really happen? Think of the absolute worst realistic scenario that could play out. Then realize it isn’t that bad. Then think of the worse unrealistic scenario (sort of like actual feces coming from your pores) and realize that will never happen. Then rinse with gin, and repeat the next time life cock slaps you across the face.
Ending a Relationship: Deleting Your Ex Texts
You broke up months ago. You haven’t talked or seen each other since then. Every time someone mentions his name, you automatically spasm into your IJF face (I just farted). Every time you see a reminder of your relationship you get a longing look in you eye–the way Elizabeth Berkeley looks at her career. And every time you get really drunk and lonely, you shoot a few texts his way–just random things like : Lets get back together only this time no sleeping with best friends, The problem with our relationship wasn’t you or me, it was the heroin, I miss the way your grizzly tits smelled in the morning, or My life is an abyss of despair without you (this last one only applies to lesbians and emo hipsters).
I am guilty of this. And time and time again I have thought about deleting our entire text history-but haven’t been strong enough to do it until this very morning… Read more…
