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Straight Guy Advice: How To Not Be An Amateur Model

March 6, 2012

” That’s the last time I eat Hardees before sitting on a leather seat. I literally just vaporized my own asshole with that he-queef.”

As someone who has shot more than his fair share of straight guys (and by shot I both mean photographed, and ejaculated upon–not assaulted with a firearm, because this isn’t GCB) I am more than familiar with the IJF straight guy Barbizon model face.

As you may well know, IJF stands for “I just farted” and in this instance, it refers to the instance where a straight guy in an amateur photoshoot tries to look sexy by appearing aloof or confused, but ends up looking like they straight up beefed in a supermarket grocery aisle and then realized there was a paraplegic orphaned 3-year-old whose life threatening cancer just got that much worse since they were nose level with his b-hole when shit metaphorically hit the fan.

“Heavens to Murgatroids, I’m pretty sure that fart just single-handedly ripped a hole in the space time continuum and transported me to an alternate dimension where its okay for grown men to wear Spongebob panties. I wonder if they have nachos…”


“I wonder why that 65-year-old photographer guy with the disposable Kodak asked me to do an enema before a photoshoot…He has a website so I am sure he’s legit… I think that fart just exited my pee-hole. Look away, bro. Just look away.”

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