Spring flings, Bible Stories, Bunny Rabbits, and Giney Waxing.
The Weather outside can only be described as absolutely amazing, or viciously cruel. Being a Florida Boy, I can’t believe that I am excited by the prospect of a 60 degree day tomorrow but it has gotten me thinking about the things we all have to do in order to get ready for Spring.
1. Stop eating everything you see, you fucking hoover. I know–during winter we can hide our fupas under cowl neck sweaters and Balenciaga mini-trenches but now it’s time to get back to the gym. (it’s been since November for me).
2. Get in touch with your religion. As you know, Easter is the day Jesus Christ bought those magic beans that allowed him to go into the tower and give Sleeping Beauty her glass slipper back. But apparently Sleeping Beauty was a bitch because she crucified him, and also defriended him on facebook. I am not sure which is worse. Spring is a season for new beginnings–so repent your winter sins and masturbate with a clean slate.
3.Have a fling. The Winter-boyfriend season is over soon and everyone will be dumping their relationships in favor of sweaty summer sex in the meat-rack on Fire Island. If you want to have a relationship you are running out of time. So get together, watch the trees blossom and then break it off just in time to get it on.
4. Buy new clothes. A new season is the perfect time to reinvent your style. Just remember to buy two sizes too small and think thin. And if the clothes don’t fit, refer to #1 you senseless cow.
5. Try out a new exotic recipe. Of Drugs. Since the weather is warming up the chances of you freezing to death in a snow bank in Alphabet city are slimmer. Take advantage, pop a few nameless pills and see where you end up! Its like one of those books where you choose your own ending–except you are too fucked up to make any decisions and in this scenario if you die there is no going back a step. Its Spring, take a risk.
6.Wax your sack or giney. I know, much like grizzley bears our gennies like to hibernate during winter but your crotchals need time to get used to looking good again so I suggest you start trimming the hedges now.Especially if you are going to have a fling or experiment with new drugs recipes.