Lets talk assholes. I am a pretty versatile guy, but as you know I recently had a great date (meaning it ended in sex.) What you don’t know is that it got kind of rough, and he literally went to pound town on my nooks and crannies. Like Gangs of New York rough. Like our gennies had a shootout and my asshole had no bullets. I don’t normally let guys play construction worker with a jackhammer because I’m like “Don’t ruin it for other people,” but this guy and I connected so I figured “Why the fuck not. Literally.”The end result was a sore tuckus the next day. Which brings me to a few definitions that I feel the world needs to recognize: NSFW IMAGE AFTER THE JUMP
Octopus Bottom: This term has two very specific, yet very gay meanings. It can refer to a person (such as one of my very best friends) who is such a scarily aggressive bottom that when you get into bed with them they enfold you with all their limbs and it seems that even more sprout out literally pull you into their asshole like a sharktopus attacking Jessica Szhor. Be wary of the Octopus bottom, my wayfaring sailor–Once in the clutches of this creature of the deep the only escape is to play dead, or complete anal destruction of said Octopus Bottom’s love canal.
Octopus Bottom can also refer to what your poor, innocent asshole probably looks like the day after a bout of vicious sex. You are too afraid to look, but you imagine it looks blown open like watergate, the underside of an octopus, or the egyptian goverment. Which brings me to Witch Hazel Hole Health.
Witch Hazel Hole Health–I swear to god this was a real conversation between me and my octopus bottom friend. I told him about my bombs over baghdad situation and he said and I do not quote: “Follow the harvest moon past the ancient trade tower ruins, through the muck and dreck of broadway to the place where duane meets reade. There you will find an ancient spellcaster who will force you to use the self checkout even though there are 3 cashiers standing around arguing with their baby daddies on the cellular communicators. Purchase Witch Hazel, my child. And rub it upon your nether quarters.”
I do not swear to god, that is exactly what he said. So apparently Witch Hazel is supposed to sooth your angry asshole after its complete annhiliation (are you fucking kidding me? I’m not even going to spellcheck that word because it is so hard to spell that I vote we boycott it). He also said to rub some vaseline on it because using face moisturizer would be like sticking a blowtorch up your moneymaker.
Am I the only one that thinks my asshole is too smart to fall for these tricks? Generally we get along–I don’t put it through undue stress and as long as it pays the rent on time I don’t bitch if there are dishes in the sink or laundry on the floor. And if once in a blue harvest moon it has to work a little harder to make my sex life a better place then I say “Take one for the team and stop complaining. Or you will join my liver on Gary’s shitlist, and I will stop DVR’ing Gossip Girl for you.”
Anyway, I don’t believe in mumbo jumbo like Witch Hazel and Lady Gaga, but maybe these definitions will help you better define your direction in life. If I can mend and repair just one asshole out there in the world then I have done my duty as an American Citizen, and a South American Ex Supermodel/actress/pothead/Dior model/Oscar winner. Waitress! Another glass of Chablis for the lady.