“Slip N Slide”: Top 5 Lubes Reviewed
Let’s not beat around the bush boys (and I mean that literally and figuratively)… the difference between a hot encounter and a SIZZLING one is great lube. I’ll go so far as to even suggest that bad lube is a reason to kick a trick outta bed: I ain’t gonna get off when my balls stick to your a*s after every thrust, so let’s move on! But before I reveal the “top performers”, let me let you know how I tested these out:
Jerking Off: sometimes your best bust is with yourself and since my accessories drawer can only fit so much, I only have room for one lube. VERSATILITY is key (for lube).
Butt F*cking: I’ll admit that less is more for me but I realize sometimes bottoms need help. And since I tend to have stamina (more a curse than a reason to brag, honestly), I need a lube that can hold up and will NOT DESENSATIZE my cock. I want to feel enchanced, not numb.
Now let’s get down to business! I’m going in DESCENDING order, if only because I know all you bitches have limited attention spans and I’m trying to keep you mesmerized…
5. Astroglide. I literally cringe when someone pulls this oddly shaped bottle out. And then I ask if they are straight. I’ve seriously done this twice and both times I got a blank stare and a really bad lay. Who uses this stuff anyway?! Only people too embarrassed to go to a sexy shop to get the good stuff or haven’t thought of ordering off the internet. They sell it at Target. Target is based in Minneapolis. Enough said.
4. KY (original). I will admit that the new concoctions like the Warming plus the Yours & Mine ones are getting better; I know why KY is used for vaginal exams – to avoid arousal. And as much as you might call your (or your guy’s) *ss a boypussy, it ain’t one so let’s just be real and upgrade your slippery assistant.
3. (any) water-based lube. Honestly, I’d rather die. Well, not really but I absolutely hate water-based lube. It’s not very good to begin with and then it dries out and gets sticky. Nothing kills the mood more than having to stop and re-lube your junk. Swiss Navy has a great no-mess bottle and ID Lube sponsors a lot of community events, plus you can get free samples pretty much anywhere you get tested, so I’ll have to name drop them. Even though I’d rather use spit.
2. (almost) any silicone-based lube. Yeah, I know it’s a total bitch to get silicone-based lube outta sheets but isn’t it worth it? Ab-so-FUCKING-lutely. Mindblowing sex is worth splurging on Tide with Bleach or replacing your Ikea linens. Trust. My favs here are Gun Oil and Eros by Pjur.
and the #1 lube for gay guy sex is: WET PLATINUM. Yeah hooker, buy a pump since you’re going be using this for the rest of your life! Once you go black (as in the bottle) you never go back. They even carry this wonderful gift to buttsex at DuaneReade; although the f*ckers musta known I was going to publish this because they just jacked up the price 20% BUT it’s still worth it!
And to top it off, scientific testing (no joke!) shows it’s also the safest lube for couples who don’t use condoms. To quote the study: ”Our data suggests that PRÉ and Wet Platinum were safest. The hyperosmolar nature of the other lubricant gels was associated with cellular toxicity and may lead to increased risk of HIV infection.” For all you drunk morons out there, this means other lubes break down your skin and allow for HIV to infect you more easily.