Sexy New Trend: The Bitchin Skullet
Nothing, and I mean nothing says :I am sexy, confident, and strung out on tina even though my two kids are in the other room making bologna castles quite like The Bitchin Skullet. This trend has hit the airport maintenance runways of Georgia, Alabama and Arkansas with the gale force of a Louisiana meth lab explosion. Originally popularized by Hulk Hogan,The Bitchin Skullet made its rounds through the hearty white trash stock of America–real men who wanted to marry female versions of themselves, have nipples that look like burnt cat food, and wear cut off sleeveless shirts to weddings. I have compiled a list of the hottest celebrities sporting this look. And then I fucked them all. Enjoy.
I will never forget that one amazing night spent in the snake infested sand-pits of Moredor. Gollum was so tender and loving. And he called me his precious right before he bit the head off a trout.
In order to land Phil Spector, I had to turn around, wear a schoolgirl skirt, and put a mop on my head while talking about all the homework I had to do before cheerleading practice. But it was okay because it was the 70′s, when everyone was so fucked up that ugly guys not only got laid a lot, but became famous musicians.
I hate to spill his tea, but RiffRaff was on anti-depressants and couldn’t get it up.
In some places, seducing your moms boyfriend is considered taboo. I wouldn’t even admit this if I wasn’t from below the mason dixon line. But for the sake of my moral code and journalistic integrity I admit it. Ole Cryptie and I had an affair. In retrospect it was his laugh. His laugh charmed my silver polyester harem pants right off my mankles.
Ten minutes into munching her rug Tyra Banks still wouldn’t shut the fuck up about herself. Fifteen minutes in, she pulled the Blite girl switch and went from proper english to hoodrat. Then she shanked me. Then she offered me a $100,000 contract with covergirl cosmetics and spread in the learning annex magazine, but said it in Tyra-Mail Language which gave me a brain aneurysm, made me confused about my eating disorder and had me question whether I was just resting on pretty.
So I went back to my apartment, packed my belongings, and went home.