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Sex On The Beach: To Be Or Not To Be

April 20, 2012

We have all done it. We have all lived to regret it. Sex on the beach is a great idea in theory, and with the summer season coming up it is definitely something we are going to have to face, and conquer. There are some issues to consider, however, so be aware of these negative factors.

Sand: Fuck sand. Sand has the magically annoying way of getting into crevices and crevasses on my body that I have no idea I even had. On more than one occasion I have given a handjob or blowie and ended up scraping off several layers of dick skin because of those damn exfoliating beads. If you have foreskin you can fucking forget it.

Crabs: And no, not the kind you can get rid of with some prescription shampoo or a razor blade. Crabs are a menace at the beach because they can pinch the tender skin of your ballsack with their tiny claws, or crawl into your unsuspecting asshole and make their homes.

Sun: Your ass is the worst place in the world to get sunburn. If you are bent over for thirty minutes remember to use some serious SPF.

Children: I don’t know why, but parents always feel the need to bring their little rugrats to the beach. I think they are secretly hoping the little bastards will drown and it will be labeled an accidental death. Do you know what is the exact opposite of sex? Children.

Bottom line is, if you want to have sex on the beach go ahead. But don’t expect to come away from it without a few battle wounds and an amazing story. My best sex on the beach story? Me and my boyfriend got shit-faced on rum driving there, broke into the construction site of a beach house and had sex on the roof (PS sawdust doesn’t make good lube), found a free intertube, had sex in it, in the ocean, then had sex in a pavilion on a boardwalk. And yes, the sand between my ass-cheeks chafed so badly it now has the consistency of sandpaper.

 

 

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