Ruining “Breaking Dawn: Part 2″ – A Gloganvlog Movie Spoiler
Homos! This is Frecks, back in NYC, fresh from a visit to the heartland for Thanksgiving. Although I may have been a bit out of touch while I was deep into the flyover states, I couldn’t help but notice that the newest installment in the terrible fucking Twilight franchise continues to suck viewers into the multiplexes harder than Gary sucks while giving a beej in a port-o-john next to a NJ construction site.
Girls and gays! Why must you continue to set your credit cards to smoking, buying absurdly priced movie tickets to watch some mentally challenged Mormon chick’s ham-handed butchering of the vampire genre?
Frankly, I won’t stand for it. No, ma’am. And that is why, as a public service, I have taken two adderall to give me the focus to read two painful Wikipedia entries so that I can now spoil the living crap out of the flaming pile of excrement that I am sure Breaking Dawn: Part 2 will be when it arrives in theaters in 2012.
Let’s pick up where Stephanie Meyer, that festering idiot, has left off. Bella Swann, apparently not having eyes, chooses to get married to the thin, pasty vampire with the terrible fucking hair over the bronze-skinned, shirt-averse, gymed-to-perfection werewolf with an ass so juicy it looks like it was inflated with a tire pump. Fine. I suppose we can only surmise that all of those steroids given to Jacob by the movie studio while he was still a pre-teen have shrunk his penis to the size of a baby’s thumbnail. When fully erect.
Anyway, Bella marries Edward. Edward then whisks her away to the private island off the coast of Brazil his vampire family owns. Because, Stephanie Meyer, you fantastic moron, just what all vampires love are white sand beaches and snorkeling. Obviously, as Bella’s married now and it’s finally okay to have for-real sex instead of just up the booty, she basically throws herself at Edward and begs him to put it all the way inside her and make a baby. He won’t for awhile, because he’s afraid his super strong vampire peen will break her, but, then, later, he does anyway. Just as he suspected, his super vampire wang beats Bella up worse than Rihanna in Chris Brown’s Ferrari, and their wedding night leaves Bella unconscious. She’s also, miraculously, pregnant. In Stephanie Meyer’s world, apparently 150 year old dead guys have magical, potent sperm that can impregnate living girls. (Go with it, people.)
So, the whole first movie was basically Bella being pregnant and also terrified that her half-vampire monster baby was going to eat its way out of her. She’s right to be worried: Wikipedia tells me that Bella’s crazy vamp fetus actually tears its fucking way out of her stomach, killing her in the process. Luckily, Edward is on hand to give Bella his blood and make her into a vampire so she’ll survive the process. Unfortunately, Bella does survive and turns into a vampire, permitting her to give the baby the worst name in the history of American film: Renesmee. For real. Renesmee. It’d try to tell how how to pronounce that shit-show, but I won’t bother. There’ll probably be an entire generation of future strippers with that name being Christened in trailer parks across the country as we speak, so you’ll be able to ask in 16-18 years for a punctuation guide .
Even more incredible than the terrible fucking name, is the fact that wolf boy, Jacob, sees the baby, once, and “imprints” on it. Basically, seeing a baby one time, a grown dude falls in love with — and wants to get married to! — a baby. Gross, Stephanie Meyer. You’re just gross.
Magic baby vampire is in trouble, though. Apparently Dakota Fanning is part of some evil vampire police that burns the shit out of other vampires they don’t like? Apparently they also really don’t like baby vampires for some reason? Anyway, if Wikipedia is telling the truth, and this does sound like the terrible shit Stephanie Meyer writes, most of the second movie will be Bella looking anxiously out a window, worrying about what will happen when the vampire police come to kill her baby.
The vampire police do come to kill the baby. But, at the last possible minute, before there could be even any interesting fighting or anything, Edward’s friends show up with another half-vampire, half-human dude from South America, who tells everyone that they shouldn’t kill Bella’s half-vampire baby. The vampire police is apparently persuaded, because they leave. Then, the story ends. For real. That’s it. Everyone’s worried the vampire police will burn up some shit, but someone tells them not to, so they don’t, the end. For real. And, with amazing conflict resolution like that in her stories, Stephanie Meyer politely laughs into her millions of dollars and draws up plans for the indoor bowling alley she’s having installed in the guest wing of her mansion.
Homos, it’s done: Breaking Dawn, Part 2, has officially been spoiled. Save your money, and stay out of those theaters. You’ll need it for the teen supernatural thriller I’m writing for the big screen, in which a chick will bang a unicorn, who will be played by a Joe Jonas, who’s already prepping for the role with his “personal trainer” and a steady dose of human growth hormone.