Reasons Why I Want A CaterParaplegic Dog

This is a photo of a caterparaplegic dog–a word I just made up to signify that it is both paraplegic, and looks like a caterpillar. See what I did there?

The reasons I want one are as follows:

1. I could name it Baby Brokenlegs. Funny story–I actually used to have a guinea pig with two broken legs. This happens when four kids play the parachute game with a bed sheet and a pet. From that day on BBL (as we called him) just dragged his hind legs behind him making squeaking noises. What a trooper.

2. It would scare other dogs. My paraplegic dog would need to be a small breed to fit into my apartment, (lets just say if my apartment were a dick, it would be smaller than the “Situation’s” Shituation. I enjoy irony. So having a tiny robo-dog that can scare away a great dane would be the highlight of all my cocktail parties (of which there are none).

3. Watching it run downhill would be hilarious. In my wildest fantasies, I fasten a kite to its back and send it running down a hill. Somewhere towards the bottom it takes flight–and runs away from my abuse like Little Elijah Wood in The Radio Flyer.

4. This is a generality, so I apologize if I offend any wheels out there but I feel like most wheels in this world come with a fine set of brakes. I would install remote control brakes on my paraplegic dog–that way if he decided to run off after some poon, or just to escape my Hitler-esque feeding/toilet break regime I could stop him in his tracks with the push of a button. This would also come in handy in training when I told him to “Stay”.

Wanting a caterparaplegic dog is just as healthy as wanting to have sex with mentally handicapped people, walking unarmed into a war camp in Libya, skydiving from the roof of the Whole Foods in Chelsea, and injecting black tar heroin into your spinal cord.

The good news is that caterparaplegic dogs are very rare–if they indeed exist at all. So all of us sickos will have to find some other way to satisfy our twisted unconventional desires.

Fight club anyone?