Reasons I Hate Zooey Deschanel

Her big wide blue eyes make her look like she has ocular spina bifida. Even though she is actually kind of pretty, she feels the need to act all cutesy, basically begging all Japanese businessmen within a 30 mile radius to come and try to poke her in the butt through her neon bloomers. She reminds me of gollum, from Lord of the Rings – meaning that my worst nightmare would be for her spindly grasshopper appendages to claw their way over my duvet at night, crawl on top of my chest, and say something ironic and cute, like: “Gosh, I never realized snow-blowing was a sexual term. I’m so naive.”

If Zooey Deschanel was my neighbor, I would burn the entire apartment building down, then rebuild it using money from government programs and orphan’s that I send out on the subways to sell candy, then burn it down again.