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Reasons I Am Glad I Didn’t Live In The 1950’s

April 26, 2012

Have you ever thought about how fucked up life in the last century was? In the 50’s, preteen boys and girls had to shower together in gym class, but getting to 2nd base was hard core.

Middle/High school are pretty much horrible for everyone. No matter how good you had it you are still emotional, insecure, and unsure of how the Hell you are ever going to survive a world where Asians hang out by the soda machines, Whites hang out in the parking lot, Blacks hang out in the hallways and Mexicans clean up after everyone. It was bad enough when I was in high school, but in the 50’s I can’t even imagine.

Teenagers had to shower together. Want to hear a great idea? Put a bunch of overly emotional, sometimes violent, incredibly insecure and totally mean asshole children in a room together unsupervised, naked, with some water and wet towels. Throw in a few skinny young gay kids that can’t help their boners because their hormones are running high, and a few girls that just got their first periods but don’t know how to shove cotton up their gineys because Tampons haven’t been invented yet.

High School Sweethearts stayed together. Can you even imagine how miserable that must have been? In those days people were raised with a totally defunct moral code – basically that the point of life was to raise a family. If they found someone moderately attractive in high school, they stuck with them. 3 years, 3 kids, and 300 lbs later and you have a bunch of people who peaked in high school just waiting for their children to become teenagers so they can take their revenge.

Getting to 2nd Base was hardcore. People must have been fucking horrible at fuckles back then since they barely got any practice. I can’t even fathom having only cocked one or two people in my entire life. I would have no idea what I liked. Women probably didn’t even know what their clitorises were, or that if you rub one hard enough a genie appears and gives you a magic bean that will allow you to climb to Jerusalem and save Jesus from going to rehab (that’s what really happened in that cave. Back then, cave was a loose term for spa). I bet their blowjobs actually consisted of breathing onto a dick, and the sad thing is that it probably worked, since it was so rare for guys to get laid, they creamed their pants at just the thought of an areola.

I am totally glad that I grew up in the 80’s and 90’s. Technology hadn’t taken over the world yet so I still got a great childhood involving plenty of adventures, injuries, and sexual experimentation, but the model of the nuclear family had already been destroyed by cocaine, weed, and  the 60’s and 70’s. When I look back at it I am both incredibly glad, and incredibly scared. If I am this morally ambiguous in 2012, I can only imagine what kids are going to be like in the future.

After all, my nephew already has a girlfriend and has a vicious addiction to kool-aid. I am thinking of sending him to that cave, with Jesus. To heal. I just hope there are no Lohans mucking about.

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