Photoshop Fucktuppery: The Unicorns Deserved Extinction
1. There is nothing really sexy about a unicorn. If unicorns existed they would just prance around all day farting glitter. They would be the worst kind of gay guy–the gay for the sake of being gay super flaming homo that insists on starving down to 100 lbs, subsisting on a diet of meth and parliament lights, driving a 93 Pontiac Grand Prix littered with old bags from McDonald’s, and being called Lil Mama while they are being pounded by a 37 year old jazz choreographer they met at a “video store”.
2. This guy looks like a catfish. If he was underwater and made this face he would be able to collect plankton without even trying. I am going scalloping today with my brother-in-law. If I see anything resembling this guy under that water I am going to set the Gulf of Mexico on fire.
3. It is over-photoshopped. This means that they probably did this photoshoot in their living room with him laying on a fur throw blanket from the Martha Stewart for 7-11 collection.Here is a tip for any up and coming photoshoppers–if someone’s nose is a little shiny–leave it that way. No matter how hard you scrub, your face will never realistically look as poreless as plastic.
4. He is wearing sequined mants. (thats man + pants–see what I did there?) If I came home and found this thing sprawled on my living room floor I would pull a hate crime so fast and brutal that Casey Anthony would be paying me for an interview.
5. I did it better. Maybe thats what this boils down to. Maybe I am just a self centered prick with a Ghengis Khan complex–but I did the unicorn thing for halloween a few years ago and frankly (Even though I looked kind of like Cher, as I do every halloween) I think I pulled it off and butched it up a tad. So the moral of the story is that if you are going to do Unicorn there is a right way and a wrong way to go about it. And looking like one of Elton John’s crusty fruity pebble dingleberries is the wrong way. It is against the Gloganvlog code of awesomeness.
PS–how hot is the chick at my side? She is one of the only female gloganvloggers, but rest assured that even though she is holed up in a lesbian relationship with her boyfriend right now you will be seeing more of her.