Olympics Or Special Olympics: Is Ryan Lochte Retarded?

Exhibit A: Cock-eyed nipples. In the middle ages, people with wandering nipples were burnt at the stake for being tardsy.

Exhibit B: He posted for this picture, so he is either retarded, or a colossal douche.

Let me preface this by saying that I love retarded people. A lot of the guys I have dated have had a touch of the Downs’, and I enjoy it because they are physically attractive, but not smart enough to catch onto the fact that I am totally manipulating them. I am not calling Ryan Lochte unattractive, in fact out of all the Olympic Athletes who I would cock hardcore, he is definitely in the top 100. I am saying that his eyes are a little sloped, and he says some pretty stupid things. I will also say (and maybe this makes me a skinty bitch) that he is a little thick. Yes, he is an Olympic Athlete, but does anyone else think he is built like a brownstone? I recognize that tiny little belly button pooch like its my mother’s bush. It comes from excessive alcohol use. Here is my evidence that Ryan Lochte belongs in the Special Olympics:

He told Women’s Health Magazine that the best way to pick up women is to wink at them. He said “[I] make eye contact. Some guys keep staring, but I’ll give a wink and come back later, because it keeps her thinking,”

Yes, it keeps her thinking that maybe you have Tourette’s.

He told ESPN that women are “Evil”. He said: “Is there decent girl out there who doesn’t lie?” he asked. “They all lie. They’re all evil. I just want to meet someone who is real, who is honest … who wants to love me as a person.”

What poon-respecting straight man would ever publicly call women evil? If he keeps this up, he will be a on a one-way train to dick-town. On second thought, this doesn’t make him retarded it makes him smart. Keep it up!

He allowed his mom to tell the world he is a slut that likes one-night-stands. She said: “He’s not able to give fully to a relationship because he’s always on the go.”

The only place he is going to be able to go is a peep show at a gay theater for a nondescript weeknight handie. Letting your mom tell the world you are a slut is only going to guarantee one thing: Herpes.

He cried during The Notebook.

I am pretty fucking gay and I didn’t even cry during The Notebook. The only sad things about that movie: How long it was, and the fact that everyone got old in the end.

If all of that isn’t evidence enough, then check out Ryan Lochte’s worst interview moments. That being said, I reiterate, I would still dick him 7 ways from Sunday.

Zoh-my-god is that cake over there? Cake? Cake? Cake!

I’m sucking in so hard I just sharted my speedos. Mom, do you have any more wetnaps? RyRy went dooksies!

If I stretch like this my nipsies look even.

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