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Number 1 Reason NOT To Drink And Drive This Weekend

November 4, 2011

I’ll be 100% 50/50 honest with you. When I was in college I drove drunk every weekend. In fact most of the time it was more than once per weekend, and most of the time I was WAY more than just drunk. I was incredibly lucky that nothing bad ever happened, and there was more than once where I got behind the wheel and realized I shouldn’t be driving. In fact one time I pulled over at my friends house and knocked on his door, but he was too drunk to answer. So I got a blow up mattress out of my trunk, blew it up using the exhaust from my car and slept on his porch in front of his door. But I digress.

If I had known that my car would suffer the consequences of my selfishness I wouldn’t have gotten behind the wheel even once.

According to statistics that I’m making up on the spot 100,000 billion cars perish every year as a result of the reckless drunk driving of their owners. These cars are not at fault – Your Toyota Tercel didn’t go to a human lot and choose you, it was the other way around. But you are still willing to risk your poor cars life every weekend and for what? A pitcher of rum and coke and the chance to fumble blindly at a sexy piece of ass only to wake up rolling around in your own vomit? (Actually that does sound kind of fun).

Just do me this one favor- before you get behind the wheel of the shitbox domestic minivan your parents bequeathed you with when you went away to college (just so you know they gave you such an unreliable car so you wouldn’t come home that much –chew on that) think about sitting on the side of the road holding your Ford Aerostar in your arms as its starter fluid leaks onto the ground around you and it sputters its final goodbyes. If you could live with yourself after that then go ahead, have your fun, drink your drinks.

But remember this – Without your car you will have nowhere to have sex, sleep when your girlfriend/boyfriend kicks you out, or pee in on road trips. Are you willing to risk that?

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