Newsflash For The Blind And Deaf: Anderson Cooper Doesn’t Like P*ssy

Being this close to pussy makes my head retract back into my neck like the dick of an uncut Colombian prostitute.

I was going to treat this story with the dignity that I think any coming out story deserves, but then I realized that this is Gloganvlog, and nobody comes here to read heartfelt expose’s on the courage of celebrities. So in recent news, coming as a surprise to nobody except Helen Keller, Anderson Cooper has publicly stated that he (like many of us enlightened individgies) loves dick.

I don’t really know how I feel about this. Anderson Cooper is well-known as a humanitarian, a solid journalist, and a sex symbol. His coming out should have been perfectly timed. Gay rights is pretty much the IT social issue in the media recently, so was coming out at this point a calculated measure to add steam to the movement, or an opportunistic  “safe” decision on his part? Would coming out earlier (for instance during the rash of gay teen suicides in recent years) have done more good, or was that epidemic an important part of bringing the gay rights issue to the forefront of people’s minds?

I don’t know the answer. I also don’t really care what the answer is, because that would interfere with my drinking. Any public figure coming out of the closet is a step in the right direction. So I salute you, Anderson Cooper. With my dick.

Forever and ever, amen.

We are going fishing for penis in the Amazon. I hope I don’t catch any crabs…

There are only three things I will clutch this tight: My mother Gloria Vanderbilt’s pearls, My David Barton Gym Membership, and my wallet when I frequent all-male whorehouses in Phuket, Thailand.