My Tits Are Wondering Where The Single People Are. And Tom Hardy’s Dick.

One of the requirements for being a gloganvlog writer is that occasionally you write a post whilst you are fucked up. Yes, whilst. We are a very forgiving website–a typo here or there is fine as long as you can get a point across. And actually, even if you can’t get a point across as long as you can make a joke its cool too. So I want to preface this by saying that I am drunk.

Why is it that the last 4 guys that I have talked to/met/flirted with/slept with in the last 4 weeks have been in relationships?

This boggles my mind–truthfully I am glad because now isn’t really the time to get involved anyway–summer is around the corner. Also I make it a point to only get serious with guys that really really really blow me.

away. Have I made that joke before? Too easy? Oh well.

But I do find myself gesticulating on why there are so many taken guys out there willing to play with my Mila Kunis. WTF does gesticulating mean?

In my 15 years on earth, I have been in enough relationships and dated enough guys to know that when I really like someone I only have eyes for them. Tom Hardy could dangle his dick–wait, let me stop right here. I was about to tell an untruth. If I ever get within a league of Tom Hardy’s dick I am pretty sure I will jump on his back, donkey punch a concussion into that bitches skull and drag him away to my limousine which will be stocked with viagra and roofies. He will wake up several years later in a ramshackle hovel built into the side of a mountain in excellent shape ( I will give him physical therapy during those years when he isn’t coherent) and we will build a sober life together living off the land and selling man-made nature/artifact/arrowhead jewelry on etsy.

I think I digressed.

Upon reflecting upon my typing I meant to say that when I am with someone–I am just with them. I don’t bother getting in relationships with people that I am just not that into so what the fuck are all these guys doing sleeping with me when they are dating someone else? The only person I still sleep with while I am dating other ppl is my fuckbuddy–and he and I have been involved for over 2 years. Also when I become exclusive with anyone the first thing I do is text my FB and let him know. Sidebar me and my fuckbuddy had an amazing night the other night–he was really stressed out from work and had forgotten to jerk off for an entire week. This took the whole sexual experience to an entirely different level of sexishness and I personally feel like his dick may have been harder than Nicole Kidman’s forehead. So my point is that abstaining from sex will make it better–but it is an ideal that seems impossible to me. I wish I could not jerk off for an entire week, but as we all know I would turn into a fucking godzilla monster and. woops. godzilla. japan. too soon.

Isn’t it funny that fuckbuddy and facebook have the same initials? Also Fairuza Balk.

So my point is I don’t understand how:

1. 80% of the guys I have talked to/been with lately have been from Jersey.  I think destiny is calling. Thank god for Caller ID.

2. 100% of the guys I have talked to/been with lately have already been in relationships. I should be happy about that because it means they won’t bother me too much–but truthfully it just makes me wonder why there are so many guys out there that are not happy with the person they choose to be with.

So what does it all mean?

It means that all you can do is hold onto your own morals. I have steadfast rules–

1. Enjoy being single and go on every adventure life throws at you. Even if the adventure is an Irish guy from the wrong side of the hemisphere. Or a construction worker who loves microwave meals.

2. When someone worth it comes along–someone really worth it you will know. And it won’t be a question of whether or not you want to be faithful because you will be so into that person you will stop your shenanigans then and there without even batting a titlash.

Damn it I forgot my point.