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Muff Diving: The Home Field Advantage

February 19, 2011
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There have been  plenty of drunken arguments in my adult life about who is better at what, and  what feels better where. Point blank, it is ridiculous to think that a girl couldn’t go down on another girl, better than most, if not ALL men. This is real life, and as an angry lesbian on a rampage at any given time, I will fight to the death for my credibility on clam diving. The most notable argument being with a skin head, who I told I would stab to death with his own knife if he didn’t back down. In retrospect, probably…should have let him win that fight. I digress.
Lets get down to brass tacks here. I would never sit here and say that I can give a better blow job than a guy could. Why? Because I have no fucking idea what dudes like, or what it feels like. Plus, I’d rather kill myself than ever have a weird, loaded, meat stick in my mouth.
Now, I don’t just mean gay guys. I mean straight guys too. They may not WANT to give a blow job. But, if I’m a bettin’ woman, I would put my money on the fact that any guy would out blow me on a skin flute. Because I don’t know what it feels like to be a guy.

If I can admit that, then guys should be able to accept the fact that it’s one in the same. You are not going to know your way around a clit better than me. Have you ever seen straight porn?
What the fuck are they doing? It’s not cake batter, you don’t need to whirl it around for 3-5 minutes. Just because you’re moving your mouth fast doesn’t even mean you’re in the right god damn place.

I’m not saying this because I feel like I am some master of the arts. In all reality, I don’t even like going down. It’s boring. But if I’m going to do it, then I’m going to do it well. Statistics show that 70% of women have faked orgasms. By statistics, I mean google. We all know the internet would never lie. So, there is a strong chance that although your girlfriend claimed she got off, she actually was just tired of you biting at her vagina like a wildebeest and wanted to get back to watching Gossip Girl.

I’m not trying to deflate your egos…
Okay, yes I am.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. February 19, 2011 8:21 PM

    Disclaimer: if any straight guys want me to prove that a guy is better at a BJ than a girl I am available, able bodied, discrete, and drunk.

  2. February 19, 2011 8:22 PM

    Except the discrete part obviously.

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