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Muff Diving: The Home Field Advantage

February 19, 2011

There have been  plenty of drunken arguments in my adult life about who is better at what, and  what feels better where. Point blank, it is ridiculous to think that a girl couldn’t go down on another girl, better than most, if not ALL men. This is real life, and as an angry lesbian on a rampage at any given time, I will fight to the death for my credibility on clam diving. The most notable argument being with a skin head, who I told I would stab to death with his own knife if he didn’t back down. In retrospect, probably…should have let him win that fight. I digress.
Lets get down to brass tacks here. I would never sit here and say that I can give a better blow job than a guy could. Why? Because I have no fucking idea what dudes like, or what it feels like. Plus, I’d rather kill myself than ever have a weird, loaded, meat stick in my mouth.
Now, I don’t just mean gay guys. I mean straight guys too. They may not WANT to give a blow job. But, if I’m a bettin’ woman, I would put my money on the fact that any guy would out blow me on a skin flute. Because I don’t know what it feels like to be a guy.

If I can admit that, then guys should be able to accept the fact that it’s one in the same. You are not going to know your way around a clit better than me. Have you ever seen straight porn?
What the fuck are they doing? It’s not cake batter, you don’t need to whirl it around for 3-5 minutes. Just because you’re moving your mouth fast doesn’t even mean you’re in the right god damn place.

I’m not saying this because I feel like I am some master of the arts. In all reality, I don’t even like going down. It’s boring. But if I’m going to do it, then I’m going to do it well. Statistics show that 70% of women have faked orgasms. By statistics, I mean google. We all know the internet would never lie. So, there is a strong chance that although your girlfriend claimed she got off, she actually was just tired of you biting at her vagina like a wildebeest and wanted to get back to watching Gossip Girl.

I’m not trying to deflate your egos…
Okay, yes I am.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. February 19, 2011 8:21 PM

    Disclaimer: if any straight guys want me to prove that a guy is better at a BJ than a girl I am available, able bodied, discrete, and drunk.

  2. February 19, 2011 8:22 PM

    Except the discrete part obviously.

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