Mattel Finally Comes Out With A Realistic Looking Doll: Beer Goggles Barbie

About Fucking Time.

Mattel announced today that it was tired of being labeled as a manufacturer of unrealistic expectations for young girls everywhere and has unveiled designs for “Beer Goggles Barbie” otherwise known as “Butterface Barbie” and the “Leave quietly in the night” doll.

In the wise words of Dane Cook: “We’ve all fucked a lagoon creature or two.” I am just glad Mattel has finally embraced the fact that 95% of people in this world look like the roasted shnuggets that pop out of a dragons asshole after shabbat dinner. (all dragons are jewish).

In a world where little girls grow up wishing they had enough resolve to have eating disorders, now our children (who I believe, are our future) can say that they are actually prettier than the dolls they carry around. This will foster self esteem and set realistic expectations, and one day–in a perfect world girls won’t be offended when you ask to put a bag over their head–because they will say: At least my face is still prettier than Whitney Houston’s voice. Thanks Beer Goggles Barbie!