LGBTQI: More Confusing Than Marc Jacob’s Leather Skort?

I will admit it. I had to google LGBTQI. It seems like they keep adding letters to it every year. Soon it will be longer than my fucklist. Haha Just kidding—thats impossible since there are only 26 letters in the alphabet….I also took issue with the fact that Lesbian comes before Gay….and then I found the photo to the right and thought “Let the lesbians have this small victory. They deserve something nice for once. ”

So I took out my Davinci code scroll analyzer and did some deciphering.

L is for Lesbian: Referring to a woman who believes in astrology, wears hemp bracelets, drives a semi-truck full of lamb shanks, has tattoos of ironic phrases, streaks her mullet, bites her nails, and wears joe boxers under old navy tapered jeans with chuck taylors.

Lesbians like to watch dog-fights and are sensitive to UV light. They are also all allergic to Ballsacks, pet dander, and legumes.

G is for Gay: Meaning a guy who takes it up the hindquarters. Or puts it in someone else’s hindquarters. Basically if there are dicks and hindquarters involved and no women around it is gay. That is just statistics.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

B is for Bisexual: Meaning someone who is on their way to Gay Town, but has stopped at an all night buffet, and is deciding if they want to have fish tacos or cock for dinner. Some bisexuals just don’t want to face the evil glitter breathing dragon that is gayness, others just see life as one big sex party and want to stick it in a hole no matter what is at the other end. Others form attractions based on emotions and confuse this with sexuality. We call them “Lohans.” Others generally have a legitimate attraction for both sexes. This is as unnatural as Harem pants to me, so I have to leave it alone.

 

 

T is for Transgender: This however is broken down into even further categories of Transexual and Transvestite. A transexual has had their dick inverted or their whiney giney resculpted into a dick. A transvestite likes to put on panties and heels and traipse around hells kitchen trying to keep their wig on. Basically when a man wants to look like or become a woman, or a woman wants to look like or become a man, or when Lance Bass decides to get a nose job to look more like Dakota Fanning it is transgender.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Q is for Questioning: Meaning that the person is one confused bitch. I don’t know why this is a thing–doesn’t everyone question at some point? All the other letters seem to describe a destination like Penis Province and Cooch-Country. Technically right now I am questioning–why I can’t find a guy like the one being carried over the threshold of decency like Bethenny fucking Frankel in the photo to the left.

 

 

 

 

I is for Intersexed: It refers to someone whose gennies don’t fit neatly into the categories of male or female. Chynna (the wrestler) has a clitoris the size of a softball, and Jillian Michaels balls are big, solid, and made of brass. An intersexed person can have anywhere from 2-17 pairs of genitals. And they are nocturnal.

And they dont like seafood.

So I hope this has been informative. Personally I am still confused. Or Questioning. Or intersexed? But definitely Lesbian. And I have the hairy legs to prove it.