Lessons We Can Learn From The Original Gangster, Snow White

First off, let me clarify that we are talking about Disney’s version of Snow White, not Kristen Stewart. Pretty much the only things we can learn from Kristen Stewart is that you only need one expression to be an actress, perpetual boredom is a state of being, and Robert Pattinson is as smelly as he looks (otherwise she wouldn’t have cheated with some fugz director). That being said, I would still do Robert Pattinson. In the butt. Using Febreze instead of lube. Today we are kicking it old school though, and talking about the original gangster Disney version of Snow White. Listen up kids:

Don’t trust old people, especially ugly ones. If you are young and pretty, there is no way an old person is going to like you for your personality because frankly, you probably don’t have one yet. So if an old geriatric bitch offers you face cream (first look at her face and laugh) and then just say no. If she offers you food, make sure to check it for spit. Old people taste like shoe strings, split pea soup, and hard-knock life experiences- like The Holocaust.

Staying in a house with seven men, and seven beds is a good idea. Clearly they will never get horny and sleep rape you. Also, with 7 beds there is most likely no room for a Red Roof Inn complimentary cot, so you are going to end up essing some dees, and mattress-jumping like a bed bug in Brooklyn. The moral of the story is, use a tooth brush and destroy your gag reflex. You won’t need it where you are going.

If you are going to take a nap, do it in style. Glass coffin all the way. None of this refrigerator box in an alley bullshit that those bourgeois NYC homeless bitches pull.

Running away from your problems is not the best way to survive. Snow White must have been pretty, because she was a fucking moron and even God wouldn’t be that cruel. She ran away from a jealous old bitch, got attacked by a forrest, shacked up with 7 midgets (you know the forest animals were talking shit), nearly got killed three times and was finally saved by some gay prince who desperately needed a beard or his father the king was going to take away his David Barton gym membership. Snow White was a pussy. So the moral of the story is, instead of running away from your problems, face them head on. If she had just thrown some water on that haggard old bitch we could have skipped all the drama and gone straight to the Happily ever after.

I’m sure there is some actual good advice in there, but good luck finding it.